Notes From My Phone

A Poem by emma

Unfinished writing from the notes section of my phone

2/12/15 11:01 PM

i'm a ticking time bomb

self destructing through the sheer force of

my own will

eat too much one day

not enough the next

cry a lot every day

sleep for at least 12 hours one day

don't sleep at all the next

rinse and repeat

2/16/15 11:19 AM

he's your dad

and he kinda loves you

as much as he can.

2/16/15 6:42 PM

my children will not be raised how I was.

I will love them with all my heart

and more.

I will love them so much

I will feel I will explode from it,

all the love coursing through my veins.

I refuse to let my children grow up hating themselves

2/16/15 7:40 PM

"What happened to your wrist?" My mom asks.

I shrug and pretend to study my wrist.

"What? Oh that. I dunno. It was an accident." I used to have an excuse but the scab is mostly healed now. I figured nobody would ask about the small pink circles on my wrist.

"Well what happened?" She demands.

Of course she wouldn't notice until this long after the fact.

2/21/15 6:00 PM

my mother always taught me to make the best of every situation

3/6/15 1:41 PM

i need someone to look me over, dissect my brain and tell me what's wrong with me. Because there's something wrong with me. Something really bad and it must go deep down into my brain or heart or wherever to cause this much damage. It's like a parasite taking over my body, forcing me out. It's eating at my bones and muscles and that's why I feel so empty. Sometimes it wins and pushes me out and that's why I feel so disconnected from my body sometimes. But that doesn't explain the rest of it. The parasite could be making me not hungry and not tired. The parasite could be making me tired and starving and aching for the burning feeling of hard liquor down my throat. It could be making me want to hide in my bed all day every day. The parasite might be why I've come to dread even the thought of school. It could explain all of that but there's still a lot of explaining that needs to be done.

4/2/15 6:52 AM

I'm the worst version of everyone else's selves.

Everyone around me is trying to be healthy,

while I sit here and wallow in my own sadness.

Everyone around me says,

"You'll feel better mentally

when you feel better physically."

And I want to yell and swear at them

because I feel bad enough already.

My best friends always ditch me for my twin-

healthier, happier, better.

It's no wonder they all like him more.