What Am I Really?

I live for the times I can float away
On currents of depression,
Thinking of my uselessness in my reality
Because what am I really,
If not a puppet waiting to be swayed?
What am I really,
If not a girl hoping to find someone who will treat her in kind?
Show her some finer things in life?

I live for those moments where I can float away 
On currents made by plants,
Thinking of all the times I should've been treated better,
All the times I should've been smarter,
But instead, the pain hit harder.
Instead, I began to realize that I can't,
I can't know when I should be smarter,
I can't know when the pain will hit harder,

Most importantly,
I can't be who I want me to be.

There's no one who can see these things. 
No prophet whose voice carries on the winds to those who need her. 
We can only try to get better,
Work to be smarter,

Yet, still,
The future will kill. 
The anxiety will break us down,
No matter how much you frown and think it out,
Things will only get so much better,
Hardly ever the measure of better we hope to put together.

That's why I live to float in those other universes,
Because, what can I really do here?
I've cried my tears,
Pounded my face in with pained hands,
Look where I stand!
Feeling worse than before,
Knowing there will always be more!

A vicious cycle!
I want out!
There's no longer such a thing as doubt!
I know!
I know nothing better is coming!
No sparkling hero to save my life,
Only demons with claws and teeth like knives,
Coming to tear apart my insides,
Remake me into some wretched doll to suit their likes.

All because I dared to be normal,
Dared to believe there was something more within besides pain. 
But, this is where I remain.

Author's Note

This one was written in the wake of my depression because of the person I felt was special disappearing on me. I wanted to write something about me floating on the waves of depression I experience. Finally, the words came and here they are.