Acceptance

A Poem by Tucker Freeman

An introspective narrative about mourning and acceptance.

Smoking again. This habit’s gotten out of control. I’ve gotta find a way to quit.

But…it makes me feel better.

It happens every time I think about her.

How the hell do I get past this?

Oh, there she is again.

She’s not really there. But I see her.

“Andrew?”

Don’t respond. Maybe she’ll go away.

“Andrew?”

Please go away.

“It’s not gonna do you any good if you don’t respond.”

Well, she’s right about that. I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.

“I know you want me to go away, but you have to decide that for yourself.”

So go away then!

…

“Didn’t work, huh?”

It never does.

…

“Look at me.”

No.

“Just look at me, Andrew.”

Fine.

Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s her, alright. That damn figure is burned into my brain.

“What are you so scared of?”

I don’t know.

“I can’t hurt you, right?”

Not physically, no.

…

“How long are you going to keep this up?”

If I could, I would have stopped a long time ago.

“It’s not as if I’m choosing to be here.”

I know. I’m sorry. I know this is not what you would have wanted.

…

“You need to stop doing this.”

It’s not nearly as simple as you think.

“How long do you need to play this game with yourself?”

Until I figure out a way for it to stop.

“When will you finally come to terms with what happened?”

Never, apparently.

“This is really unhealthy for you.”

Oh, I know.

…

“Are you eating enough?”

I skip a few meals here and then, but I try.

“Do you see your family?”

Every so often. But I try to avoid it.

“What about your friends?”

You know the answers to these questions, so why are you even asking?

“Because I’m tired of this.”

…What?

…

“I’m just a projection, from your own ideas of me, and nothing more.”

And?

“The real me is gone.”

Yeah, obviously.

“So you should let me rest.”

I know. I’m just selfish.

“You’re not selfish. You just need to loosen your grip.”

On what?

“On me.”

Why?

“Because I’ve been dead for a year.”

I know, but wouldn’t you want me to remember you and hold on to you?

“Of course, but not like this!”

Then what do you want from me?

“I want you to be at peace.”

Weren’t you wishing that for yourself?

“It’s different. My peace is just an idea. Your peace, however, is a reality.”

Again, I’ve wanted to be at peace. I’ve wanted to move on. But I can’t. There’s something in the way. You’re in the way!

“I’m not in your way.”

Yes, you are!

“Andrew.”

Why do I keep seeing you? Why, after all this time, do I keep seeing you!? You’re dead, and in the ground, and yet you’re here! Why does this keep happening to me!?

“Because there’s something you haven’t done yet.”

What? What is it!?

“You know exactly what it is.”

No, I don’t! This is why I’ve been like this for so long! I don’t know what else to do! I’ve listened to everybody! I buried you, I read your eulogy, I went to therapy, I confided in friends and family, I tried to live my life the way you wanted me to, and…oh.

“Did you figure it out yet?”

Yeah.

“Good. All you have to do is tell me goodbye.”

…

Is it really that simple?

“Well, no. But it’s a start.”

I guess I never really said goodbye, did I?

“Nope. You did just about everything but that.”

I guess I was afraid to say it.

“And that’s okay. Out of everything you have to do, it’s the hardest thing to do.”

Am I ready?

“I think you’ve been ready to say it for a long time, but you kept holding yourself back.”