My Dearest Lesley...

Dearest Lesley,

I ruined you. I will never try to seal that truth. I held many demons within me that I never wanted to be released. They were. They flooded out of me and into you; devouring the fortress we called our love. I will always regret letting you see them, letting them feed upon your heart. Try your hardest to shake them off, Lesley. They will only bring you down farther into darkness; promising escape from pain, but leaving you in the pit of hell. I’m trying to find the way out. I’m searching for a little glimpse of light. That light holds the real relief, the true promise of escape. For now, I find myself shrouded with the never ending darkness; wondering mindlessly around, stumbling and yearning for a new beginning. Find that light, my dear.

As I spill my thoughts onto page, my mind recalls one simple memory. The cold sheets still stung my skin; sending shivers throughout my body, searching for warmth. The blue of your eyes washing over mine, tangling each of our souls in a passionate embrace. My heart beats even now, imagining your skin on mine. I placed a soft kiss upon your delicate neck, and pulled your body onto mine. That night we spent in swimming in silky expanses of our bed. The memory is still flooding my thoughts, even to this day.

I want to let you go, but my heart still yearns for yours. It calls for those times of innocence and purity. Is your’s calling, too? They sing a melody I have never heard before. It feels like the song is moving in slow motion, being gentle and caring. It fades in and out, each time sending a different feeling throughout my soul. Desperation, love, yearning, longing, hunger, aching, urge, but also fear. Concern is laced on the endings of each phrase. It doesn’t belong. The call is painful with the uncertainty, but it’s also has a hidden beauty linked to it. Whenever I try to express the song through my fingertips, it comes out short. There’s always something missing. I know what that certain thing is, Lesley, it’s the matching melody that your heart sings within.

The night that shall forever live in my mind, was the night your lips left mine. The night your heart sang another and mine screamed with pain. The walls dripped with blood and the silence shouted with anger. The mirrors on the walls reflected a corpse, slowly rotting from the inside out. How I urged to rip my heart out and cleanse it with my tears. My eyes fought to close, but they stayed pierced on the doorway that ended our love. I used the last fight I had within myself to keep them opened, fearing the shadows that waited beneath my eyelids. When they finally shut, I hoped I would open them again and see the pale white walls of the hospital. I would look around and see your helpless body sitting curled up in a ball. I sometimes imagine that you were holding something within your arms. Do you know what it was? Your still beating heart, black and blue with all my lies and sweet promises of nothing. The tears that washed from your eyes were a parting gift to it. When we left that room, you left your heart behind.

Ever since this began, I was blessed with a curse. And for better or for worse, I was was born into a hearse. I know I said my heart beats for you, I was lying girl, it beats for two. Because I’ve got your love, and I got these voices. Take back every word I’ve said, ever said to you.

How I regret sending my lips upon a foreign source. The reason why I left our love shattered on the bedspread, I will never know. The secret is covered in darkness. Each time I try to lay my fingertips upon it, I fall back into nothing. Turning away from you will forever be a misstep, but with each stumble I’m learning. I see now that those other figures latching onto me are just a test. I have failed it over and over again. When shall a shade shine upon them, will they leave? Will you be my light? Lesley, my darling Lesley, I hope you will forgive me for my actions. I know sorry will never be enough, but look beyond the word and into the heart of the one saying it. There will be the meaning of the word.

Oh, take all these pleasures away, for I’ve sinned. And oh, this is all my fault, I made no effort to speak your name. Tonight I place the blame on myself, hiding behind a crutch. Still can’t make the nightmares fade, nightmares fade away.

I don’t want you to question what will come next. Let your heart decide. Listen to the song it sings, and decrypt its true meaning. Then, you will know if our love shall once again bathe in the light. I’m still searching for the true meaning of my heart’s calling; shall we put the two pieces together and find what lays in the unknown?

The end is ever looming, there shall I wait, even if it takes you till the end of the world, I will be standing there, holding onto the lock that binds our love.

James