August 16th, 2023

overthinking.

I struggle to comprehend my inexplicable desire to vanish. For the first time in my existence, I have attained all that I once yearned for �" friends, experiences. I am expected to find joy, yet a lingering sense of incompleteness persists.
The person I have transformed into overwhelms me.
I was not fashioned to be an everlasting presence; I resemble a hurricane �" I sweep through, leaving chaos in my wake, impacting lives but ultimately departing, leaving them to continue as if unchanged.

However, change has occurred within me, altering my essence.

I am no longer the reckless, unstoppable, and unstable 16-year-old girl. The weight of that former self bears heavily upon me now as I navigate adulthood.

I resent the perception others hold of me. I detest being conspicuous, loathe embodying their perceptions.

I yearn to dissolve into obscurity, relocating to a new city, initiating a fresh start as a different iteration of myself �" possibly improved, or even worse. The certainty eludes me.

What remains unequivocal is my exhaustion, both from my surroundings and my own being. I engage in social outings, revel in festivities, yet the moment solitude encircles me again, I am reminded of my true identity. A transient figure in the lives of others, the awareness of my influence on them burdens me.

I recall how vulnerable I've allowed myself to become around them, and it pains me to acknowledge that they discern the person concealed beneath my layers.

They perceive me as a ticking time bomb, poised to explode and shatter all in my vicinity, and yet, they remain steadfast in their support. I grapple with my own inadequacy and ingratitude, perplexed by how I can desire more than what I possess.

The craving for adrenaline and the need for vibrant living are undeniable, and though I recognize the significance of remaining true to myself, I yearn to shed my identity, if only for a fleeting moment, and embrace an alternate persona �" perhaps a superior one. I yearn to abandon this tempest of emotions that engulfs me, eager to craft new narratives, to assume a different guise.

The depth of my self-loathing remains unfathomable to others �" the disdain I harbor for my own words, the tears that flow at the realization that this persona is an eternal companion. If a higher power exists, I struggle to comprehend why such a burden has been placed upon me. Do I deserve to endure this incessantly? Am I condemned to awaken each day, imprisoned within an identity I reject? Is it my destiny to experience every emotion in such an intense manner?

Days blur into years, and it appears that this disposition will forever define me. The sole distinction lies in my evolved perspective �" once preoccupied with my own miseries, now more attuned to the well-being of others, yet still powerless to rein in my actions. The void within me remains beyond my control. I do not wish to perish, not now. Instead, I yearn to embrace every conceivable experience, encounter every possible individual. I aspire to escape, even if for a mere second, from the confines of my own self.

Author's Note

i´m not sure if its an actual good piece, what i am sure is that it´s really personal. Please tell me what do u think

Reviews

[Michelle Saldana]

First and foremost, I'd like to say that your piece is beautifully written. Your words convey a profound sense of inner conflict and the struggle to reconcile various aspects of identity.

The pacing did take me a bit to adjust to – there were moments I wished things moved a tad faster, but then again, it gave me time to absorb the depth of each scenario. Perhaps it's just a reflection of my own constant need for speed, but it’s a small point in an overall captivating read.

Moreover, I wanted to add this- If the sentiments expressed in this piece stem from personal experiences, I genuinely hope you consider reaching out for support, be it friends, family, or professional help. Such intense emotions, especially concerning identity and self-worth, deserve to be addressed with care and understanding.

Warmest Wishes,
Michelle

[Farjana Chaity]

Beautifully written, keep it up with your good work ~ chaity