Valley of Expiation

====Valley of Expiation====

copyright@pushkar prabhat, 2014

 

Echoes of a bleeding shower,

Occupy the nothingness;

Water falling through: empty,

Apparition, Me:

Access denied!

 

Faculty of senses, senseless:

What did i witness?

What did i do?

In rush, in fear, in flight;

Perhaps, reason was roadkilled!

 

Rising realisation:

Emanates beams of guilt;

From over: the folds of mistakes.

It’s late, blood floods my,

Valley of expiation.

 

The choice:

Only a canal can drain this.

Hope shines off the metal;

Hope: forgiveness blooms,

Once the atonement resurfaces.

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Reviews

[Dipanjan Dutta]

Deep thought, true senses and marvellous writing.

"Apparition, me: access denied" - Moved with these lines. Aren't being human today is an apparition itself? we have been losing our identity every moment, failing to realize the evil but still thinking that we haven't sinned - "Rising realization: emanates beams of guilt" - indeed so.

Your choice of words is powerful and you have a great potential. Will love to read more from you.

Thank you

[Pushkar Prabhat]

WoW!!! thank you so much for this generous review and insightful comments!!! :) :)

[Surya pradha]

nice flow of words. the pictures added to the effect as well. very well written!

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so much for your time and appreciation!!! :) :)

[Surya pradha]

you're welcome!

[Rene Salinas]

It seems that hardship at times feels like rain. "When ir rain it pours" and at times there seems to be a duality in the nature of hardship or a challenge or something like that I can't quite pinpoint but it has to do wiith your writing. On one hand the element of damage and hurt and heavyness on the other hand the possibility to wash it all away and leave us with the possibility to start all over into a different environment. Bot aspects seems to be explored by your creative use of language. At time words paired up intentionally as an amalgam in order to create a specific image.

Very creative

Thankyou

[Pushkar Prabhat]

Wow!!! thank you so much for this generous appreciation.........i believe life is not fair and often cruel.......but it is also, generous and beautiful sometimes......and so, there is always HOPE!!
thank you again.......it means a lot!!!
:) :)

[icomeanon_13]

This poem feels very personal and I don't get a sense the reader is supposed to know why atonement is needed. Nevertheless, this doesn't seem to affect the value of the words and the expression of regret. Here are a couple of technical things I noticed:

I'm not sure that "roadkilled" is a common verb. Not that it's wrong, only that it's unusual and falls oddly on the tongue. You may consider rewording this line.

Stanza 3, 4th line: a comma doesn't seem to work after the word "my." Consider removing.

Stanza 4: I don't quite understand the phrase, "atonement resurfaces." This could be the fault of the reader, but I would suggest thinking about a different way to word this.

On the whole, I think you successfully conveyed your emotions well in this poem. Good work!

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thanks a lot.........that helps! :) :)

[Shane Blackheart]

Brilliant writing, and the pictures help to paint an even clearer picture of your poem.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so much for the visit and a kind review!! :) :)

[Sami Khalil]

A powerful and emotive poem. You write with skill...Bravo, sir...:)...................

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so much for your encouraging words..............you know i try hard........it means a lot!!! :) :)

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome...Any time...:)........................

[Pushkar Prabhat]

...................:) :) :)

[Sami Khalil]

:)::;;;:::;:::::::::::;;;:;:::;

[Pryde Foltz]

Rising realisation:
Emanates beams of guilt;
From over: the folds of mistakes.
It’s late, blood floods my,
Valley of expiation.

An amazing piece, Pushkar. Every word was obviously carefully chosen to full effect. To its meaning … yep it wold seem the letting go of guilt and full expression of forgiveness is the key.

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so much for this insightful and kind review!! :) :)

[AprilRN1210]

the construction, phrasing, descriptions, and images used are exquisite alone, but together make for quite a powerful piece.. the way it flows and the line breaks are done skillfully and are affecting... this one is deep and thought-provoking as well as moving.. well done...

on a side note.... (just my opinion.. for what it is worth...)

"Echoes of bleeding shower,"... would either say, "echoes of a bleeding shower"..or..."echoes of bleeding showers".. flows better in my head..

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so very much for this wonderful review........i was waiting for you to review this.
you are right that does flow better. actually, initially i wrote "echoes of the shower", but i was not sure about that........what do you think? the or a?

[AprilRN1210]

awwwww, you are so sweet... you are more than welcome.. of those choices would choose "Echoes of a bleeding shower"..

[Pushkar Prabhat]

hmm okay!! thank a lot!!! :) :)

[AprilRN1210]

my pleasure :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

..................:) :D

[Jen]

deep personal thoughts. excellent mahn! keep it up (y)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thank you so much for your visit and kind words! :) :)

[Aparna]

a strong piece! loved it :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

thanks a bunch........:) :)