the morning view remedy

The nothingness begins inside like fog or on a dark dreary train ride sitting on the seat all alone with nothing to do but to hold my phone.
Tears may fall but you will not see one single tear fall.
Inside my head where do I begin I lost a friend, i pushed him away like it was for some other day, like i stayed there like he'll be back again someday.
So I cry listening to old remedies,like the rain and our favorite cd.
Let it fly let the music touch me like it did back then.
Yes I am sad yes I am grim.
So what is it that keeps pushing me away from you and you away from me like nothing like this inside my heart inside my soul.
Tragic venue like I don't know my thoughts of you spread like fireflies inside my head.
Where did we go, where did you go and where did I go?
Nothing was wrong except for the devil playing the puppet of love,
like wires being broken and twisted so bad we had to cut them.
If we really love that's part of the tragic portrait.
Yes I'm calling out the devil this was his fault he knew how much I love you and how much you love me;
But because of the tragic situations I pushed you away and you untangle this love chain and it melted away into the clear blue a sadness.
What do I do what do I do.
I listen to the music our favorite band that we held on to,like the song 11 am and I cried and I cried, fly away my love fly away.
Whispers of your laughter my love,your singing, your intelligence love, your humor and even your sadness, you are loved, your passion,our passion,and now I'm speaking through this microphone on my phone because I don't know what else to do but with you but to let this go again and again and again and again.
I'm left with nothing but the memories and the thoughts and the feelings of my broken home that left me alone, that forced me to push you away so that you too will be left alone and I hear the whispers love of you my love for you and it goes with the wind and when I smell the rain I always think of you, and when I hear the birds sing I always think of you and when I feel the ocean I always think of you, and when someone else is holding me I always think of you,
I always think of you and what do I do.
I hear the owl, that night bird and I feel as if it is you but my dreams do not allow me to dream of you but I always feel you in almost everything that I do.
I'm falling and I hear you and I feel you everytime that you feel free as if you were flying in a lightning storm and falling and flying and gliding through the air and soring threw the air.
I was content with you even though you put me through hard ace, it was not your intentions and that was not you that was the puppet of you and of me.
I sacrificed my almost my freedom to get to where I am and I am still and am not completely content and happy where I am because you are not where I am.
So fly away like the fireflies in the late spring and in the summer time.
Fly away like a butterfly through a flowery field in a rain storm.
You are home wherever you may roam because that is the type of soul that you are and that is why I love you, you are free, you are free and that is why you left me, to set me free and that is why i let you go because I'm free too in this world and it is for me is my way and my time to roam.
Let the waves live in colors for me and for you to remind us of our love that is blessed because it is free.
So you see let the waves take you wherever it may be, and let the clouds pass over you like sweet ocean flowers and rain and this poem was for you my friend always has been and maybe always will have been..enter in your own dreams..that is for me.

Reviews

[Wesley Dingler]

This type set format is easier to read than before, when the whole thing was a single paragraph. Now on to business...
First off, if you've got a reference to what I consider to be one of the best melodic rock records ever (morning view) you've got my attention. Very cool. But I also really liked your turning of phrases in line to dictate your shifting of thoughts, particularly when you shift to hearing the owl (I'm a birder myself) and the way it supposes how animal sounds really do catch us in a moment and shift the paradigm, if you will.
You did a great job with this. And I see now you have another poem up. Let's go read it too now.
Do keep up the great work, Tabbycat.


-wes

[the phoenix girl]

Thank you Wesley. This means a lot to me, and the way you explained how you felt about it means me deeply appreciate my talent and everyone who is a writers talent. For me to have been a writer since a small child and well basically I've been in the dark way to long and so very grateful to have you as a friend and also a fellow writer, and knowing that we can talk about this stuff is awesome. I can't wait to introduce you to my friend and soul sister. Her poetry can be very breath taking.

[Vria P Crow]

Dear Phoenix Girl,

INTRODUCING PERSONAL THOUGHTS

Initially, I was taken aback by the format; it presents itself as prose poetry. I am a supporter of experimental poetry and among other non-traditional forms of writing. Therefore, the contents of this review will be concentrated on the Format, Revision, and Interpretation.

FORMAT

REVISION

Secondly, Revision is the most difficult step in writing for various reasons. It is intimidating to see your own work littered with red marker everywhere, but please do not allow it to overwhelm you. I encourage you to dismiss the following revisions and implement the ones that you agree with.

1. "Tears may fall but you will not see one single tear fall."

The repetition of tears is redundant. I imagined the speaker crying yet the object of her affection did not see it. This is where Show, Don't Tell comes into play. I would like to "see" her crying in isolation instead of being told; there is a juxtaposition between the narrator and lover.

2. The lowercase "i" is randomly placed throughout the poem where as most "i"s are capitalized pronouns. At first, I thought this was done purposely to convey something of importance. However, the inconsistency lead me too a dead end. I advise you to either capitalize the pronouns or make it lowercase, similar to how e.e. cummings structures is work.

3. "i pushed him away like it was for some other day, like i stayed there like he'll be back again someday."

This sentence is a prime example of the redundant use of "like" and the inconsistency use of lowercase "i." The poem is polluted with similes using "like" followed by the general use in conversation. I advise you to vary your sentence structure with other poetic devises such as metaphor to compare two things.

4. "Fly away like a butterfly through a flowery field in a rain storm."

Writers often run into the barrier of generalizations. For instance, the image of a butterfly or bird is often overused to compare it to freedom. I would advise to capture this idea using sensory details that is unique to you.

CONTENT

Primarily, the speaker is alluding to her shifting emotions; the opposition of love and sadness. "the morning view remedy" is comprised of lyrical components with repetition and poetic devices. Subjectively, the reader can relate to the feeling of loss whether it be from a difficult break up or death. The intensity of this poem suggests that the "friend" passed away especially in the last line: "this poem was for you my friend"; the past tense indicates a eulogy.

sin (cerely),
ria

p.s. You have successfully evoked sympathy for the speaker. Well, done.