Irrational Guilt

I can’t begin to come close to imagining the number for the amount of times I thought you upset, tired or mad at me. Most of the time, the thought you might be done with me is all in my head. With my anxiety comes a lot of insecurity.

Irrational guilt is the feeling I’ve done something wrong when i haven’t.

This can be caused by my anxiety, insecurity, depression, low self-esteem and paranoia. It’s a frustrating and consuming cycle, a fractured and inaccurate view of the world’s feelings.

Irrational guilt is assuming someone’s bad mood was caused by me, not by things like a rough day at work or conflict with a friend. It’s thinking that, if she is distant, it’s because I’ve offended you or said something wrong when you might just be taking a nap or watching a show. It’s seeing you cry and knowing I can’t help. Everyone does something wrong sometimes, but insecurity tells me that I do things wrong all the time.

I can look at those situations and know I didn’t do anything wrong, but then the “what ifs” overtake me and I almost convince myself I have. Anxiety layered with insecurity is so destructive because Im already worried but then anxiety amplifies that feeling even more.

Too much of my time has been spent feeling guilty about nothing; I’ve wasted too many words asking that question about august over and over. I’ve gotten better at stopping myself, of typing it in the text box and not sending it. It’s difficult to overcome insecurity and work on raising my self-esteem enough to realize Im not this terrible person who damages people’s lives with my actions. I’m not a terrible person and this guilt that feels so real actually isn’t.

You’re my only person in this life, I want to say I’m sorry that I have ruined relationships for you. I’m sorry that I can’t be that person you can always talk to. I’m sorry you feel you can’t vent or open up to me about everything. I’m sorry that I can’t be that emotional support for you. I’m sorry I always turn it to me. I’m sorry my feelings are so up and down.

I am sorry I think your upset with me but more importantly, I want you to know why. My insecurity is driving my actions, my anxiety is pushing down the gas pedal I and I’m focused on holding on tight when I should be trying to take back the wheel. When I’m asking irrationally, I know you aren’t angry at me �" what I’m actually asking for is reassurance. Reassurance is the enemy of irrational guilt in many ways. The relief that reassurance offers can be very helpful, but it doesn’t always last. It’s not fair to someone to ask for reassurance over and over; you have to go back to the source of the problem to gain lasting relief and rational thought. The ability to stop and say, “Does this make sense?” Because most of the time it doesn’t, and once I have that clarity I can focus on what’s important. I will never completely stop asking this, but I can work on stopping and remind myself to think things through and fight my insecurity. So I’m asking for your patience and understanding; it’s not a trust issue, it’s part of my mental illness. It’s, unfortunately, the very cliché phrase �" it’s not you, it’s me.