Why?

The story of a tired old woman's moment of discovery.

Why

-Tess Fenerty

     The ivory snow parted before my stumbling feet. I shrunk, insignificant compared to the magnificence of the spruce trees towering in the dark sky. My heavy heart beat slowly pulled down by the decision I had already made. My feet slid along in tune with the sluggish thumps. Silver moonlight spread out across the night like the wings of a snowy owl ready to guide my way to whatever was next.

Ever-constant pain shot through my veins as the chemotherapy ate away at my body. My heart still ached for the missed goodbyes to my husband and children who left unannounced. The heavy memories of my lonely years in seclusion and depression bent my head low. My vision blurred and my old arthritic knees hit the hard icy snow.

     The arctic breeze stung my face as my silver hair started to dance. The wind sung in my ear of a mother I barley remembered. The snowflakes , the slumbering grass , and the trees taught me of all their mothers and of the first mother. Shadows of the past danced on the fringes of my mind chanting an unknown yet familiar song. In those few moments I saw, felt, and heard the history of existence.

I experienced the birth, the life, and even the death of all the creatures that belonged to the distant past. Their memories overwhelmed me. I saw the eternal circle of life, and how one death provides for the life of another. I realized we were all a part of the one Earth below our feet. I saw how my life and every life down to the most minuscule of insects had a purpose, but their death did to. It came to me that there is no reason to fear life, death or anything and everything in between. They are equal and opposite. As bones dance beneath the skin, death forever lurks in life.

     I stumbled to my feet and started to walk towards the stars that glinted brightly on the horizon. With each step I took I let a piece of my pain slip away to nothingness. I glimpsed wispy memories of the times when I was happy. My elation grew by the second until I reached the end of the line. Fuzzy images glazed over my eyes that were clouded by cataract scars. My eyes jumped from a drop off with no end, and a field of snow that continued on to the distant horizon. Air rushed in my nose and circulated through my body once. Then it seeped out of my nose releasing the tension that had gripped me for so long. At last I was free, happy, and the pain was gone.

     With the knowledge that my soul purpose was to help the existence of others my heart soared. Like so many other souls had done for me I took one step forward. I felt my feet continue to move ,but I was gone off the cliff forever. I was off to whatever it was the snowy owl would decide to show me.