Okay

Sometimes I want people to know that I'm not okay

That I'm actually struggling

That I'm finding it hard to breathe

But that's a line I can't cross

Because you can't go back

 

Nothing is worse that your problem being the reason you can't find a solution

Knowing something's there

That other people have done it, found it

But maybe yours is worse

Or it's not and you're just weaker

But either way you can't be fixed

 

It's in the silence

The quick second long smiles

That don't turn up your eyes

It's in the nods and the gestures

The glances and the quirks

It's in everything but the words

 

Sometimes I want people to know that I'm not okay

Because maybe it'll change something

Maybe they're the solution

Or maybe they're part of the problem

And uncertainty makes the line you can't cross thicker

Almost like it doesn't want you to

 

How do you know

How do you know that this is important

That how you feel matters

Because you've done what you're afraid of

You've brushed others off

You've rolled your eyes

You've dismissed

 

And somehow you are still the problem

Whether trying to deal with yourself

Or others

You're a problem

A problem that isn't allowed to be fixed

A problem sustaining itself

 

Sometimes I want people to know that I'm not okay

But at this point

Who am I if I'm not not okay

If I change

Will I disappear

 

What's a person's definition

Their look their voice their thoughts

Have I waited too long and now these are all plagued

By something that I'm too scared to take away

 

Should I accept

Accept the silence, the ways things are

The way I believe I am

Believe that I should now always be

Accept that I'm now in the trap of my own making

 

Sometimes I want people to know that I'm not okay

But they won't

So I'll go it alone

And that's okay