The Test

An experience that I for some reason felt like documenting

I don’t really understand the health benefits of water. See, as long as I have one, maybe two cups a day, I’m fine. I feel exactly the same as when I drink three litres in a day, except on three litres, I pee way more. So to all you hydrophilics I say: have fun urinating more than twice a day.

When I had to take a pregnancy test that all changed. Well, briefly. I got myself up in the morning, and lo and behold, no period. So, after walking my sisters to school I stopped in to my local Woolworths to procure a pee stick that would tell me if I was carrying a sea monkey in my uterus.

There was a box that promised reliable, fast acting results. That’s what I needed. Yay, perfect. But then came my dilemma. See, there was a box containing one test for $8.67, and another containing three tests for $16.40. That’s one entire test free. But, I didn’t need three. I needed one.

Did I know anyone else who might appreciate a test as a gift? No, Meg. You’re 17, and the only two people you know having sex are using birth control.

Will I need the other two? No, Meg. Your boyfriend broke up with you last week, and basically you have as high a chance of having sex as a piece of penne pasta does being eaten after it was dropped in dog hair. Dark dog hair.

Maybe I’ll need them a few years down the road? No, Meg. Just be f*****g realistic. Buy the single box.

Which I did, with a heavy heart and a mind far more distressed than when I went to buy the test. Don’t they know that I don’t need more stress? So rude. I just, I love a good bargain, and that one was nearly too good to pass up.

One trip to the self-serve lane later-thank god for self-serve, right- and I was on my merry way. With a large, pink, garish box in one pocket, and a roll on deodorant in the other, I started the walking home. You’d think the test would be the more shameful item, right? Well, you’d be wrong there. Nothing shameful about as possible teen pregnancy, not when compared to a teenage girl buying her ex’s deodorant so she can ‘smell him’.

Oh yeah, I knew it. I’d become someone I never thought I’d be. Someone horrible. I was sweaty on the walk home too, so I put some on and nearly cried because of the scent. It was kind of horrible, like most products designed to mask male body odour. But, that was only fifty percent responsible for the tears. Just the left eye. The right eye, oh, that one was teary due to other reasons.

Sniffling and smelling of a boy whose mum does all their shopping for them, I walked inside, filled a large cup with water, and over the next twenty minutes I drank it.

And I kid you not, not a moment after I’d finished, I felt the urge. That pressure where I assume my bladder is. I was ready.

I don’t get it, do bladders stretch or something? How could one live like this? I remember hearing once that those Victorian era ladies always had to pee straight away because their corsets were rather constricting. I was just like one of those women, except for the part where I was about to take the test to decide if I was “Fertile Myrtle”.

I opened the box, reread the instructions- I first read them on the walk home- and unwrapped my test, before shooting off to the loo. I never say loo. I guess this experience has changed me.

In I go, la-la-la, happy happy, other than possible unwanted pregnancy and abortion scenarios playing in my head. When down go the pants, the underwear, and dear god, there it is.

Betty Blood was in town, as the girl school attending, fourteen year old version of my mother would say.

I bought this stick, opened it, and I didn’t even need it. I was so annoyed that I peed on it, which I realised later was a mistake, as I’d just helped it fulfil its destiny, to be urinated all over. And, yes, what a surprise. One line for not pregnant.

Well f**k that, I’m off to watch another fourteen episodes of Buffy and neglect to wash the dishes.

 

 

Author's Note

Any suggestions/ criticism would be very much apreciated

Reviews

[jcfrancis]

I really enjoyed this piece! I don't have a whole lot of feedback for you other than the humor is well placed and I the details you added. The dog hair, dark dog hair. The exact prices of the pregnancy tests. These are real, solid images that the reader can latch onto and feel like they are there.
My only suggestion would be to add some of that wonderful detailed humor into those last couple of paragraphs. Some of that wry humor added into the "destiny of the pee stick", a detail of one of the Buffy episodes (drop a humorous comment about Spike for the insiders, for instance) and a detail or comment about the nature of the neglected dishes.
This sounds like a piece I would hear between segments on Public Radio. It's a really wonderful little commentary and I hope you find an appreciative home for it in publication!

[Meg]

Thank you so much, that was very helpful. I can definitely see where you're coming from, adding some similar humor at the end. I'll jump right on it. Thanks again :)

[Brian M. Peeples]

I thought this was really good, and very interesting. Keep writing! :)

[Meg]

Thank you, I shall definitely try to

[Ragini]

Wow, very nice. Had me hooked. Really loved the style of narration. Keep writing! Would love to read more of your work. :)

[Einstein Noodle]

Charming, relevant and very witty .. wouldn't change a thing .. i enjoyed the read start to end without wanting to start speed reading .. a sense of humor in life is way more valuable than any material treasure .. i will be looking for more!
E.

[Meg]

Ahh, thank you so much. You're too kind

[1Disawsum]

A funny story, excellent! Loved the humour in it, nothing better than reading a humorous story on here! No criticism, just a comment! :) xxx

[Meg]

Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it

[wordman]

damn i had no idea life was full of all these choices and decisions at such a young age
a funny and great write i learned a lot

[Meg]

Haha, I'm glad you've been able to learn. Thank you

[wordman]

you are welcome,and drink more water lol