Twittering On

A column from Venue Magazine about Twitter

I don’t know about you, but I’m bored with the whole Facebook thing. The endless adverts, the constant stream of emails and the dodgy add-on applications piss me off, frankly. I do not want to be contacted by something called Speed Date, be offered hook-ups with middle-aged women and receive an endless barrage of requests from people I have never heard of to be their friend - some of whom clearly belong on the Jeremy Kyle show, not on a social networking site.

 

I’ve pretty much given up on it. Now I’m Twittering. It fast, free of ads and – best of all – with only 140 characters to play with you can’t prattle on aimlessly.

 

The BBC aren’t above lifting a tweet (as the short, snappy messages are called) from someone famous rather than call them for a direct quote, as anyone who watched their coverage of Michael Jackson’s ‘death’ will know, and Twitter is fast becoming the medium of choice for our politicians – especially members of the Labour party. David Cameron might think that “too many twits make a twat”, but the limit on what you can do means that you’ll never have to face Gordon Brown’s obsequious smirk a la YouTube, and you’ll find both local and national government officials posting pithy remarks. Labour councillor Mark Bradshaw is a huge fan, spending so much time tweeting about how inadequate the Lib Dems are that a phrase has been coined in his honour. Bradshawing, according to the Bristol Blogger (www.thebristolblogger.wordpress.com) is defined as ‘basic, simplistic and ineffective political spin in which you attempt to blame the opposition for the consequences of your own policies through endless repetition’. He tells me he likes to twitter because: “It provokes feedback and debate, and that’s a valuable outcome, even if you don’t agree with the content.” Paul Smith, prospective parliamentary candidate for Bristol West, likes it because: “it’s quick and easy to use. It’s much more dynamic than Facebook and it’s better for having short chats with a group of people than texting.”

 

I’ve built up an international network of A-gays to b***h with when the mood takes me, including Matt Lucas, Pedro Almodovar and Stephen Fry. Britain’s most intelligent TV host is often ruder than a big bag of rude things; who else would have come up with the phrase ‘c**k-mothering arse mustard’ watching Andy Murray get trounced at Wimbledon? Within days of his discharge from prison I was swapping recipe hints with Boy George. Forget Gaydar, Twitter is the place to be seen.

 

You have to be careful, as unscrupulous users have hijacked some well-known identities, but it’s fairly easy to weed those out. Or you’d think so. The other week the Daly Mail quoted a tweet from Lyn Brown, Labour MP for West Ham, about David Cameron’s now-infamous use of the T-word during an interview. Only Lyn Brown isn’t on Twitter; the lazy arse with the temerity to call himself a journalist had been fooled by a fake - not the sort of thing you’d see in Venue, of course. And, rather brilliantly, the fake Nick Griffin, who calls himself ‘your democratically elected, indigenous, bonk-eyed representative; a danger to others and a national f*****g disgrace’, has five times the number of followers than his odious counterpart.

 

Kerry McCarthy, MP for Bristol East, certainly enjoys making her opinion of her Parliamentary colleagues available to all in the twittersphere. I’ve had call to email Ms McCarthy in the past, and got nothing more back than a form letter which promised nothing. Yet in the twitterverse she’s approachable, quick to answer enquiries and as helpful as can be. Unsurprisingly she’s pretty dismissive of Lemsip Toothpick’s chequered love life and has very little time for Cameron (“He’s got no plans for anything!”), but she’s always good for a natter. Distinct lack of Tories twittering though; has Cameron issued an edict in the wake of twatgate, perhaps?

 

 

Author's Note

This column is due to appear in the August 28 issue of Venue Magazine, Bristol and Bath's weekly what's on guide.

Reviews

[R. J. Dennis]

Hi and welcome to Writer's Cafe! Great first post! :) Admittedly, I do not know the politicians in England, but from reading this, I feel as if I now have a good grasp on some of them. I completely agree with you on the annoyances of Facebook and the wonders of Twitter. Since this article is flawless, there is nothing really to critique in that respect. Great job and I look forward to reading more of your stuff!