Airport

            I slouch in one of the firm plastic chairs that fill the waiting area. To my right, a wrinkly man slurps on his coffee. His chins stack on top of each other, bearing bristles of mangy hair, rough and unkempt like an abandoned garden. Steaming drips of coffee dribble down his face from his crusty lips. Slits peer out from behind thick glasses. As he stirs in his chair a sour odor invades my nostrils. A wailing child squirms in his mother's arms. He attempts to snatch up his pacifier which slips out of his mouth. The shrewd shrieks pound my eardrums and shoot waves of throbbing pain through my head. Two rivers of pained tears streak down his fire red face from his swollen eyes, drenching his overalls. In the walkway a monstrous security cart flusters the crowds of bustling commuters like a gunshot in a flock of scavenging crows. 

Author's Note

Any way I could make this MORE showing and LESS telling?

Reviews

[Matt Pellegrini]

Hey, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to help with your specific question about trying to show more and tell less, but I'm hoping I'll be able to get close to what you're looking for.

One thing you could do is to introduce what you're showing to the reader in a different way. For example, instead of just saying, "To my right, a wrinkly man slurps his coffee," in the sentence before you could say something like, "A slurping sound catches my attention, and I look over to see where it came from," or something. I guess, maybe more cause and effect. Did you hear the slurping first? Were you watching the wrinkly man before and then watched him take a drink? How close are you sitting to him? Next to him? Instead, your sentence just summarizes that you see a man slurping coffee. I think this could apply elsewhere throughout as well. What does the narrator think about the wrinkly man, his beard, the wailing baby? I think a little back and forth between the narrator's thoughts and what is happening in the scene would be nice.

I'm a big fan of a narrator with opinions. I like knowing what kind of person a narrator is, or at least their feelings in their certain situation. And you probably don't have to go to a major extreme and have the narrator give their own back story and biography, but I do think a moment or two where the narrator is annoyed by the wailing of the baby, or instead thinks of how adorable the baby is regardless of its headache inducing shrieks or something along those lines will bring more character into the story. Because really, all the reader sees right now is an old man drinking coffee, a baby crying in his mother's arms, and flustered commuters. It's really more like a painting or a picture. It's kind of still life. Give us more action and movement. More is almost always a good thing. So I guess the way you could make this more showing and less telling is just by giving the reader "more" in general.

Another thing I noticed is that you do very well with minute details. The small unique things, but there's no real sense of a larger area. I'm guessing from the title the narrator is in an airport, but show the reader that. And you could do that either by showing terminals, gates, people with luggage, people kissing goodbye, or by going into the narrator's thoughts, being nervous about the upcoming flight, excited for the vacation, hoping not to sit next to a crying baby, or the best thing would obviously be to do both. Showing both scene that tells us its an airport, and having the narrator give their own personal feelings that will tell the reader its an airport.

I'm not really sure if this is just some small opening paragraph for something larger you're working on, which, if it is, you may not want to go into all the details and stuff if it's just setting the stage. But I think some of those things will give the reader more, and make them feel like they're there.

On a final note, I like your short, succinct sentences. They move quickly and probably encapsulate the distracting environment of an airport well. That's one thing I would tell you not to lose in trying to show more and tell less, especially if that's the kind of tone and pace you're going for. Something that moves like the frantic environment of an airport.