At All Costs

just me

I was on my way out to walk Prissy and I was thinking as I caught the end of something where men were being boys. I don’t say that as an insult Women are girls too. Our interactions with the opposite sex prove it. Hell even with the same sex. The way we try to out do each other is kind of like double dare. I bet you can’t get that car. Yes I can I’ll get 2. lol smh.

 

Guys still hit the girls they like the most, find a way to be mean or hurt their feelings. Girl still try to impress. Some of us still grabbing the boys hands first or walking on the tablets in heart and minds hoping he will catch the subliminal messages being sent. Talking with our girls about how dreamy he is and how much we wish he “liked  me Liked ME”. Asking each other what did he mean when he said that. Some guys just fully confident. I always ended up with the popular loud ones but I used to like the shy guy. The one that looked at me with eyes that made my smile brilliant and my heart warm but he would never say it.I was a shy girl so neither would I.

 

I was about 7. I have written about this before but I was so shy. I understand now more why I am that way… Any how I loved to swing so I went to swing set and there was 4 dudes maybe they were 8 or 9. They were big boys to me. So they were sitting on those metal animals that used to be on springs. I will try to find a pick to post with this blog. So I come around the corner feeling them watching me. I hurried to the swings so shy. I hear them saying how pretty I am and other things like that. They were cute too. Almost all of them.

 

*side bar* I look that story  that usually brings me a joy and I noticed something that has shaped me  and my personality. I was alone. I always am. Always have been and at time feel I always will be *

 

SO anyway I rush to the swings and they start singing on those metal springy animals …ohhhh and I like it.. You bring chills up my spine every time I take one look at you.. I kept swinging higher and higher.. blushing and shy… Not wanting them to see. Loving the attention but feeling awkward. I can remember if they sounded good or not but they were on it. They sung the whole hook and then when I couldn’t take anymore I jumped out the swing and ran. I was as high up as humanly possible without flipping the swing over the bar. I ran. There was a creek in between my  apt. and the playground and tree….

 

I got around to the other side and had to stop because my ankle hurt. Then the least attractive guy should up asking was I ok. I lied and said yes and thank you and got up and ran to my house.

 

I bring up his look because I bet the cuter boys were on those springy things looking for the next pyt, yet this guy who wasn’t bad looking just not the best looking one out the group made the extra effort to check on me.

 

As an adult I have often ran from time and time again in my dealing. Going with the cutest and loudest one on the metal springy thing and leaving me around the corner nursing a sprain I created because I was there and scare and shy. Boy patterns, had I know at & what I know right now. I would have at least asked his name and let him walk me home. What is I met my husband at 7  and lost him…lol

 

Anyway, just thinking.

 

I love watching Prissy outside. She is always so excited to get back out there again. It was beautiful. Autumn rains always are. It was grey but it felt cozy like warm towels or sheets or socks from the dryer. It is wooded by my house so this morning’s rain and last nights pourings were trickling through the tall trees and making such soothing sounds against the cool damp muddy pine straw covered ground. The birds sounding few in number. I assume some were sleeping in late due to the rain. Yet the small orchestra still sounded lovely mixed with the rain drops that the trees allowed to fall and saved from the night before. As I type this @ 10:00 a.m. I see the sun smiling at me…  Through the cracking in my blinds. God loves me.

 

My dog was so excited and I was so at one. I need to take more time to enjoy those type of moments that cost nothing. I should go the King center and cry for a while.  It is pretty there. Anyway Prissy or circles as a friend of mine used to call her ran around like a wild Banshee. I love to watch her get excited now she is knocked out.

 

I love that anything can be a topic for me to write on. I’m in a spot on my couch that brings back good memories of a distant love I am releasing and I’m listening to this mellow playlist I created called just feeling it. The song playing is Carol Riddick Momemnts Like this and I keep listening to 2 other song she has done. It’s  Okay and  A Better Me. Tracy Chapmen Be careful of My Heart and  This time.  Just to name a fea and it is so peaceful.

 

I love this place where I am still in pajamas, reclining on the couch, mellowed out and just chilling. Thos moments remind me that it is okay and there is nothing I can’t get over and through. I love God for that. I was missing my late brother as I walked Prissy. I miss him a lot. He was my baby brother . See what working through your feelings and thoughts will do for you.. lol God is good, really though.

 

Though I hate where I am I love it. MY heart is getting well again, stronger, more sure about me. IT is so easy to believe for other, believe in them and never master that in Self.

Self must be realized, actualized, utilized and most importantly revitalized… Don’t ask me where that just came from.. But know.. *smiles*   To experience that you must understand your pain and embrace it so that you can heal. You must face your fears then ignore them and go forward with your dreams. You must find your happiness because only you can and it is inside of you. It is inside the neglected forgotten places within Self. It is what you tell yourself you can do without. It’s where you lie about your false securities and strengths. It’s where you hide from your truth, realities and circumstances, its where you settle in misery. It’s where you have given up on and ignored you. It is where you forgot your dreams. It’s where you refuse to let change take it’s course.

 

Your happiness is in you and you have to draw it out. It is no easy task.  You got to press through the awkwardness. For those of us that wanted to cut our hair and decided to let it grow out… The growing back out part when your at that awkward phase most people cut the hair back down because they aren’t patient enough to go through the process of change. Our happiness is looked in those places we least hope or want to travel. It is in the things we have to let go of that we most want to hold on to. It is in the tears we refuse to cry and the truths we won’t tell. .

 

I want mine.. Watch how bad as I bleed hurt and joy all at once in your faces… Feel it as I hurt to grow. I won’t stop something real and better awaits me. When I want to find myself I often go back to when I was 5 and I try to recall the things I wanted as an adult. I recall what I wanted my life to be. I wanted marriage and kids and a career I loved. I wanted to love every one…I wanted to change the world because I believed I could do anything I put my mind to. I get back to me.. 33 and 5 all at once it makes sense…

 

We are still girls and boys wetting the bed of life when we are sacred, hiding under the covers of fear, wanting to tap each other on the should and say I like you but instead we dare and play the dozens…This is just the ramblings of mad woman refusing to give up on a fulfilling, awesome, happy life. These are my truths alone but if God see fit maybe He can bless one who reads this.

 

I love you all out in cyber land and the friends and family that will get this.. Be Well.

 

Author's Note

excuse typos.. Im on my way out

Reviews

[R J Askew]

CL...a lovely piece of idling...you cover wistful recollections, spiritual and psychiatric speculation and observation. But best of all you show how you are able to capture your thoughts and feelings in a writerly way. And the piece is charming for being a true insight into a private moment.