Saving Yourself

A look back, a memory, a loneliness, a knowing...

 You can't ever look back

on your worst days, 

those days you wish you'd stayed in bed,

never stood up,

never said a word. 

Why have days like that?

Why not just pretend? Why not fill your head

with made-up minutes, just turn them into hours, into days? 

It's all a dream you don't have to wake from,

but you go through the motions

and you rise,

aching in the small of your back,

aching in the deeps of your dreams,

not looking anywhere

but down,

down, down.

    

   You don't want to wake because  

   in those open-eyed moments

you miss the first man you ever wanted to marry---

you miss the reminders

of your father. 

You miss him because

his hands were large, and they petted

the side of your sleepy face,

you, little girl,

and you can still hear him whistling, 

chopping parsley in the kitchen.

    

Love and hate rear up like thoroughbreds,

but you keep good form,

you stay in the saddle,

you ride that runaway.

Hanging on for dear life 

you ride,

and when your foot slips through the stirrup,

you know you're gonna die. 

Somewhere

in some book read long ago

you remember the sentences that might save you. 

You saw back and forth on the bit

to knock him off stride, 

to slow his race,

make him forget the thrill,   

but his ears lie flat,

he's got the bit in his teeth,

he's streaking ahead full tilt. 

You remember something else

and head him straight toward the wall,

but he's crazed, 

willing to crash,

and now your eyes ache, so wide open. 

You saw like mad, pull back hard, release quick,

pull back, release, pull back...

you see-saw the reins until he hates it enough

to slow, 

and he slows,

he slows. 

 

Now you know you'll live

but your foot's still stuck

in the stirrup. 

 

Yes, you'll live, you're still in the saddle.  

 

You turn that horse around, you walk him all the way back. 

Your friends on their horses 

sit right where you left them. 

"You had such good form when he reared," someone says. 

What?  

You still hold those reins tight, 

your heart hammers hard,

You're wide awake and you know---

  you just saved yourself.

Author's Note

I'm open for any comments. I wrote it all at once in one huge paragraph, but re-worked it to poem form.... Any line separations where rhythm feels off?

Reviews

[Dianne]

I love this poem. It matches my own experience that only you can ever save yourself. No one else can do it for you, but you are strong enough, you are up to the job. And at the end you can even feel the heavy breathing.

What?
You still hold those reins tight,
your heart hammers hard,
You're wide awake and you know---
you just saved yourself.

[[untitled]]

This is really good. You used your metaphor magnificently....I know, I grew up on horses! The last line was very good.

[Winter McPherson]

You must be a horse person...nice imagery of emotions depicted as runaway horses. The first paragraph is something I can relate to right now.

[Sandra Rains DeBusk]

I loved it Toni, I thought it was awesome. You and I think alike...

[Sandra Rains DeBusk]

Very good Toni, I loved it!

[radian7]

I love this poem the more it gallops along pun intended the more the visual tempo quickens and becomes more animated. You go girl. Hi ho Silver!