In Defense of Hell Part 4 (to continue)

Here I Stand, Sort of

(At Least for Now)

 

So, here I stand … 

 

Bobby …

 

“Bingo” …

 

Casanova …

 

A bad-a*s lowlife

Come to school the kids,

Because for the first time

In their stupid piss-yellow lives,

The daffodils got something right -

 

I am in hell - Maybe for keeps �" Even though

I do seem to be working my way

Into the Nothingness -

 

Or so, the morons

Like to think anyway.

 

-2-

 

I'm supposed to write

This phony plea to the Gardener

To put my lights out for good

 

Because the Nothingness is thought to be

A better deal than hell in some way.

 

But I got news for you, s**t-face,

 

Some of us don’t think so.

 

Some of us like the vibe here

And don’t get too excited about

Writing love letters to grandma

 

Or kissing her gigantic butt

Because she thinks we should.

 

No way! I like the way hell rolls.

 

I do a few off-the-wall hygiene duties

For a guy who happens to be

About the most righteous

Son-of-a-b***h lowlife

There’s ever been -

And whatever

I want to do

 

In my free time.

 

I mean, hell is as good or better

Than anything I’ve ever known

 

You might say,

What the place lacks

In family-friendly, TV sitcoms

And memorable white Christmases,

It exceeds in brainless, nasty b*****s

Who turn tricks at the drop of a hat

And party like there’s no tomorrow.

It may not be perfect, but overall

The Old Slow Fry is all aces,

As far as I’m concerned.

 

-

 

And these will go away into eternal punishment

But the righteous into eternal life �" Matthew 25:46

 

You can get any kind of drug you want here; I mean, you're expected to be high every moment because the Worm prefers playing with your head when you're wasted, especially if he's in the mood to get personal and chase your a*s through the flames and s**t. He's a crazy, sick son-of-a-b***h; but believe me, he does try to please �" And so do I, come to think of it. In fact, sometimes the getting personal part is my idea, which can really get his juices flowing; and then, things get massively destructive on both ends. Sometimes it's me chasing him or even everybody chasing us, or us chasing everybody else. It's beyond awesome because like the Worm, I'm a participant, not a bystander, so it’s ideal for a worm-maker like me.

 

Now, it probably blows your mind a little that I'm okay with the Worm. So maybe I should clue you into some things that may surprise you about hell. For one thing, there's no capital punishment here; and for some, there’s no punishment at all. You get your brand-new personal universe just like you do in paradise, only for a lowlife like me, it comes with some attractive comps. I mean, it's basically the same pitiful circus of violence, cruelty, and despair that I came to love when I was on the outside; but in hell, there's no interference with getting “the extra” out of things. I can knock around anyone I want �" for as long as I want!^[1] Honestly, hell is everything I hoped it would be, so the thought of begging some old lady gardener to whack me doesn't have a lot of appeal. It pisses me off a little when I think about it. Say sorry? I don't think so.

 

I think you'd be surprised by the number of A-list celebrities who hang their hats here: You might not like hearing it, but there are even a dozen or so former popes, and pretty much every liberal TV news journalist there’s ever been. Not too many famous bugs like me really, but a whole crapload of popular NFL game announcers and maybe like a million Hollywood types and country-club Republicans. Surprisingly, those groups combined out-number your basic street felon to the tune of 6 to 1 in hell’s current inmate population.

---

[1] One of the most shocking spiritual lessons Paris learned as a boy involved a classmate asking him what he would do if the Russians launched a thermonuclear attack on the United States. Although he could not remember his answer, Paris recollected that his classmate said he would “definitely” commit at least one murder and one sexual battery. Paris said those words represented his first significant encounter with the sin of hearing - That it felt like his friend was “pissing in his ear,” and that he could do nothing to stop the poison from seeping into his brain.