The Curious Case of Hansel and Gretel

A satirical news piece

Bismark, ND

The trial of two children suspected of killing an elderly woman in her Wald, ND home is scheduled to proceed this Thursday despite continued concern over the ages of the suspects.

 

The victim, identified by police as Dorothy Cerridwen was found dead in her home by police, who had come to the home to perform a welfare check after neighbors reported suspicious activity coming from the direction of the elderly woman’s residence.

 

“We thought we were just responding to some minor misdemeanor” said Wald Chief of Police Darren Wilders in a statement. “Its not the first time that a group of kids has thrown a party in one of the more secluded areas, thinking that they’re far enough from town that no one will notice, despite being practically in someone’s back yard”

 

At first the police thought that the murder was the result of a bungled break in.  Now two children are to face a number of charges, including vandalism, grand-theft, hate crimes and murder.

 

“The whole community is in shock” Wilders added “that such a horrendous crime could happen in our community.  That this crime was supposed to have been perpetrated by children makes it all the worse”.

 

However, the children, whose names have not been released due to their ages, are expected to plead guilty to many of the charges, including murder.

 

The children’s attorney, Denis Armand, takes a different note: “My clients believed " and continue to believe " that they were acting in self-defense.  No matter how gruesome the after-affect, the children were attacked, and did what they had to in order to survive” he told reporters earlier this week.

 

A spokesperson for police conceded that the children never denied having killed Ms. Cerridwen, while also saying,  “This should not be taken as a sign of innocence.  These children were proud of what they had done. This was definitely premeditated”

 

Contrary to these findings, investigators first believed that the murder was an accident, and the children did not become suspect until several weeks after the murder.

 

In fact, it was not until the child’s father, who has also not been named, tried to sell jewelry and one-of-a-kind crystals from Ms. Cerridwen’s home that the children were connected in any way to the victim.

 

When questioned, the father said he had no idea where the jewelry was from and that his children had brought it home.  It was only then, allege investigators, that the children were questioned and actually boasted of having killed an “old witch”.

 

The children’s DNA was then matched to fingerprints previously found in the home, and strangely, to saliva found on a half-eaten gingerbread house found behind the residence.

 

Armand contends that the candy is physical evidence that the victim did in fact “try to lure the children to her home”.

 

“I do not believe that that poor old woman meant the children any harm” the children’s social worker, Dianne Redman said in an email.

 

“These children were suffering from acute neglect, malnutrition and isolation” she continued.  “I mean when you have a situation where two children bring home a fortune in jewels and jewelry and no one even asks where they got it and simply starts re-selling it, that should send lights off all over the place”.

 

An evaluation of the children after they were taken into custody concluded that they showed signs of long-term malnourishment, physical abuse, and severe mental strain.

 

“In the long run, I’m not surprised children in this condition would suffer some sort of collapse.  It’s these kid’s parents we should be holding accountable and bringing to trial” she added.

 

It is not yet known whether the children’s legal counsel will attempt to have them declared mentally unfit to stand trial, now that Evan Peters, the district judge in the case has found them old enough to stand trial.