I Am Afraid

I Am Afraid

A Poem by Lauren Upadhyay

A manifestation of my irrational fear that I will lose everyone I care about.

I am afraid.
Afraid that I will lose you
To the merciless entropy of the Universe,
Or to the inexorable mystery of God’s plan,
Call it whatever you want, but whatever it is
I am afraid that it will take you from me at any moment,
And that I will be alone again.

I am afraid.
Afraid that every moment with you will be the last,
And our last shared experience will be an insignificant goodbye,
And that will be the last memory I have of you.
That is why I insist on physical contact, because
It reassures me that you’re real and
I am afraid that if I don’t constantly remind myself
I will forget what you felt like,
And then I will forget what "we" felt like.

I am afraid.
Afraid that I will lose you and not remember you,
That I will feel an unbearable and aching emptiness
And not know why.
I am afraid of fading memories,
As they suggest an essential futility in the beautiful endeavor
That was us.
They suggest that "we" is incapable of being constant,
That "we" is merely a rotation of the stone
As it continues its mossless journey to the sea.

I am afraid.
Afraid that in losing "we" I will lose a part of myself
And remain forever broken and immutably unwhole,
Unable to put myself back together because
My pieces are missing.
I am afraid that "we" is an essential part of me,
And that I will never recover from the loss.

I am afraid of losing you and afraid of losing me.
I am afraid of being alone and afraid of being broken.

I am afraid that we will lose "we" and
Then nothing will ever be okay again.

I am afraid.
I am afraid.
I am afraid.

© 2012 Lauren Upadhyay

Author's Note

Lauren Upadhyay
This is the first piece of poetry I've ever written, so please let me know what you think about it!

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Added on March 6, 2012
Last Updated on March 6, 2012
Tags: insignificant, moment, experience, essential, lose, losing, shared, felt, broken, afraid, forget, suggest, memory, goodbye, like