The Beast that Steals Food From the Office Refrigerator

A Story by Richard Urban

Urban Legends

It lurks among us, seeking that which it may devour. Its movement is as silent as a shadows journey across the ground. The all consuming hunger that drives it is as endless as your grandparent's descriptions of their trip to the Grand Canyon. You can find this beast anywhere. Though it has never been seen or photographed, it thrives in the presence of humanity. It is the, Beast That Steals Food From the Office Refrigerator! (insert dramatic music here)

Wherever humanity can be found slaving away in the cubical jungle, you can be assured that Beast That Steals Food From the Office Refrigerator (BTSFTOR for short) is there waiting. It doesn't hunger for human flesh, nor does it want to drain the blood from an unlucky damsel's veins. The BTSFTOR desires the food that is found stored in the office refrigerator! Tupperware is its prey. The thought of what is in those plastic food treasure chests makes the BTSFTOR slaver like a fourteen year old boy looking at his first Playboy Magazine. It can be left over spaghetti or the remains of the chicken tender platter from last nights dinner at Applebee's, the BTSFTOR doesn't care. It will take the food, Tupperware and all, and devour it in a frenzy of unmicrowaved lust.

Though the BTSFTOR has never been seen, its existence has been the bane of humanity since mankind erected the first cubical and installed the first coffee machine. Legend has it that placing masking tape with your name written on it on your Tupperware will repel the beast like garlic repels vampires. This is pure superstitious naivete. Nothing can stop the BTSFTOR! As those in the office cry for help in anguish and hungry dismay, their human resources departments have attempted to find and capture the beast. Unsuccessful attempts at surveillance has left the BTSFTOR's assigned hunters empty handed. So, the valiant human resources departments in offices everywhere have brought out their big guns. In an attempt to appeal to the beast's sense of right and wrong, the HR departments have unleashed endless volleys of memos and emails about the importance of respecting the lunches of others and how taking someone else's lunch is the lowest form of thievery.

Oh, but the BTSFTOR is a wiley and cunning monster. If it feels that the HR deparment has come too close, it will go into hiding like a son in law at Thanksgiving dinner. It leaves no trace and bides its time. When the humans become complacent, when they feel that it is once again safe to stuff the refrigerator with macaroni salad, the BTSFTOR returns. Like the return of Christmas merchandise to the stores in September, the cycle of Tupperware devouring, memos, and disappearance starts all over again.

Let this be a warning to all those who would foolishly place their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in the office fridge. You may think it's safe. You may even think the beast is allergic to peanuts, but you are wrong. The BTSFTOR is waiting and drooling (with an Epi-pen for food allergies ready) for a fool to place their lunch in its realm.