Being Present

Pushing my personal boundaries as a writer. Playing with formatting and all that jazz. I appreciate critique! (For my mother. And every mother)

mother, here is your scarf, the one i took to mexico i know

i said i lost it and i wasn't lying at the time

 

mother, here are your earrings, sapphires i wore them traveling

under layers of dust & unwashed hair, just in case

 

mother, here is a necklace, i don't know if it is yours i think

it belonged to your mother, maybe

 

mother, here are your mittens, i think they're lovely but i wrapped

my plants in them last night, it was that cold

 

mother, here are my fingernails, my heart, my tongue, a moment

that does not feel like you birthed me

 

mother, here, i give you back everything

Author's Note

Does the lack of end punctuation and capitalization work? Are there certain couplets that feel more or less awkward than others? Is the use of a single line at the end effectively jarring or uncomfortable?

Reviews

[Daniel Beckwith]

The single line works, it's like a POW in your face thing. I think if you're not going to have punctuation at all then don't have any commas either, but you need them for the tone and pace, so maybe you need a full stop. I think it's very good though, it's a fresh style, very with the times.

Second stanza, first line, "traveling" unless it's spelt different in American English. Third stanza, first line "its", just little bits.

[Freeman]

I dont know much about the technicalities of poetry but this is wonderfully written i was drawn in from the start.....