The Last

Today was going to be the last. I’d decided last night before I went to bed. I flipped through pictures of my brothers, my parents, grandparents, friends, my dog Rory, and said a silent goodbye. Then I slept, really slept, for the first time in months. Clear head, clear mind, a sense of purpose I’d never had.

Sleep was filled with vivid dreams – flying high in the clouds, running hurdles, wind on my neck, sunshine toasting my skin, smells of grass and honeysuckle, the nubbly texture of the football on my fingertips. The lines in my mother’s face when she smiled, and the warmth of my bed as she smoothed the covers and kissed me goodnight. The smell of Rory’s breath as he woke me in the morning. The sound of my brothers laughing uncontrollably over some stupid cartoon show. My dad with a full shaving cream beard. The coolness of the air, the sight of my own breath while waiting for the bus. So many memories, feelings, sensations, all good. All of them good.

When I woke this morning, Rory was licking my face. I swear that dog smiles. Really. An uncomfortable gush of emotion filled my stomach. Why can’t people be as happy as dogs? Why can’t my reality be like those dreams, all good, no bad, no pain, no hopeless? Just happy dog days. Why does life have to be so hard?

I scratched Rory behind the ears, and he looked straight in my eyes like he wanted to answer my questions. Like he had all the wisdom of the world, straight dog logic so different from parent, teacher, counselor logic which was just words. Rory had the answers, he just couldn’t share them. But he seemed to know my plan, know my thoughts, as he’d always known me from before time. He made the whimper noise I’d heard before, when he seemed desperate to communicate with me, like when my brothers overflowed the upstairs bathtub. But this was different, more sad. I scratched his ears some more, but didn’t look in his face.

I dressed and left for school like any other day, but earlier to avoid the family. When I got to the bus stop, I just kept on walking into the woods. The air was warm for Spring, more like Summer even at seven in the morning. I climbed up in the tree, my tree where I did my thinking, and relaxed. The sun looked like a sugar cookie. The smell of honeysuckle and musky wet leaves filled my nose, reminding me of last summer, when everything changed. When everything turned bad. When love came and went, leaving me dead inside. I tried not to think about it, but why not? Today it didn’t matter. It couldn’t hurt me anymore. My mind opened the door and let the thoughts come crashing out, the words that killed my heart and emptied me.

My cell phone rang in my pocket, six rings then it stopped. My mom. A few seconds later it vibrated – voicemail. I couldn’t listen. Didn’t want to interrupt the flow of thoughts, the feel of the woods, the smells and sensations, since it was the last. The bottomless pain, like an open bleeding sore, flared up to a crescendo, then receded. A breeze stirred up the leaves and the tree swayed slightly. Clouds passed over the sky in fast motion, like a movie. A cardinal landed on a tree about twenty feet away and looked at me like Rory, like it had something to say.

My cell phone vibrated again, reminding me of the message. I eyed the phone, then dialed in my code.

“Hey Craig. Was anything wrong with Rory when you left this morning? He’s acting really weird, dragging stuff out of your room and jumping at the door.”

I heard my brothers in the background, laughing and calling to Rory.

“We just wondered if you noticed anything strange with him. I was sorry you left this morning before I saw you. Didn’t get to give you a hug. Oh, yeah, I want to take you to lunch Friday. Just me and you. You have a orthodontist appointment at 2, and I thought I’d pick you up from school early, like 11:30. We can check out that new pizza buffet. Okay, well , see you tonight. Love you.”

I snapped the phone shut and shoved it back in my pocket. My stomach tingled, and water filled my eyes. The warmth of the day intensified the smells of the woods, and began to thaw my icy core. I hopped down from the tree and squeezed my eyes shut for a minute. The warm water spilled down my face and immediately cooled in the breeze. I grabbed my backpack and headed to the bus stop.

A torrent of dreams swirled in my head, all of them good.

Reviews

[Dustin Chang]

I love your dream description. Very vivid and graceful. Funny how despair and sadness can be easily balanced out by small warmth. Beautiful write.