Wiindigo - Work in ProgressA Stage Play by vukcicWIPAn old, rustic cabin, with cabin stuff as décor. Waning daylight is seen through windows. A man, EDWARD, and a woman, MAGGIE, are seen. EDWARD reads a newspaper while MAGGIE prepares food. EDWARD reads the newspaper for several minutes, then snorts and laughs.
MAGGIE
What?
EDWARD
Nothing.
EDWARD continues reading while MAGGIE continues cooking.
MAGGIE
How do you like your eggs?
EDWARD
I don’t.
MAGGIE
You don’t like eggs?
EDWARD
No. I hate them. Look at them.
MAGGIE looks at an egg.
MAGGIE
What about them?
EDWARD
No, really, just study it.
MAGGIE studies the egg.
MAGGIE
What? It’s just an egg.
EDWARD
There’s a chicken fetus inside. A little baby chicken jelly that would have been a big healthy chicken. I can’t eat something that is so clearly a fetus.
MAGGIE
You think about this stuff?
EDWARD
You don’t?
MAGGIE
Not really…I mean, it’s just an egg. It’s food. So what if it’s a chicken fetus? I don’t really like birds that much anyway. When I was 10 a peacock bit a chunk out of my finger.
EDWARD
That’s ridiculous. Peafowl are herbivorous.
MAGGIE
This one had the bloodlust.
EDWARD
Maybe he was seeking retribution for all the avian fetuses you’ve devoured.
MAGGIE
Maybe they don’t treat animals very well at the petting zoo at White Plains, Saskatchewan.
EDWARD goes back to reading. MAGGIE continues cooking. Moments pass.
EDWARD
Wait.
MAGGIE
What?
EDWARD
You’re Canadian?
MAGGIE
Yeah, why?
EDWARD
I…You didn’t say you were Canadian.
MAGGIE
Is that a problem? I’m proud of my Canadianism.
EDWARD
I just didn’t know. I figured you were American.
MAGGIE
What’s the difference? So I’m from north of the border. There are a lot of Canadians in the States you might not realize.
EDWARD
The way you talk one would begin to suspect some sort of Canadian conspiracy.
MAGGIE
Yeah, I go to monthly meetings.
EDWARD
Are they held at Tim Horton’s?
MAGGIE
Yes. Mainly we just gossip about hockey and maple syrup.
EDWARD
Anyone I know a member?
MAGGIE
You’d be surprised. I usually carpool with Celine Dion and Alex Trebek.
EDWARD
Don’t you mean moose-pool?
MAGGIE
Of course, silly me. We trek through the harsh Canadian wilderness on mooseback.
EDWARD
Seriously, though. I don’t mean to upset you but I didn’t tell my mother you were Canadian. So if you would, when she arrives, neglect to mention it, I’d appreciate it.
MAGGIE
It would be a problem?
EDWARD
My mother is very patriotic.
MAGGIE
It’s not like I’m North Korean or something. Canada is just like a less ugly America.
EDWARD
Don’t even pretend you don’t have WalMarts in Canada. Just keep quiet about it, though. Don’t mention the metric system, or loonies and toonies, or Medicine Hat, Ontario.
MAGGIE
Medicine Hat is in Alberta, not Ontario. Do you know anything about Canada that you didn’t learn from American television?
EDWARD
Is there anything else?
MAGGIE
Not really.
EDWARD
When my mother arrives, if she asks, tell her you’re from Minnesota. That’s the closest thing to Canada I can think of without actually having to be there.
MAGGIE
I don’t understand why this is such a big-
The smoke alarm begins to sound. She’s burning toast.
-D****t, d****t d****t. D****t!
EDWARD
Woah there. I don’t think that language is appropriate on the CBC.
MAGGIE
Oh, I burned the damn toast.
EDWARD
How did you do that?
MAGGIE
I don’t know.
EDWARD
The toaster is designed specifically to prevent user error.
MAGGIE
I don’t know okay? It must have been jammed or something.
EDWARD
That’s what you do after you make the toast.
MAGGIE
Huh?
EDWARD
Nevermind.
MAGGIE
Can you help me here? I can’t get the toast out.
EDWARD gets up and enters the kitchen area. He puts on his glasses and inspects the toaster.
EDWARD
There’s a penny in there.
MAGGIE
I have no idea how that got in there.
EDWARD
We’ve been here in my mother’s cabin for one night. How did you manage to lose a penny in the toaster?
MAGGIE
Oh I remember.
EDWARD
What did you do?
MAGGIE
Well, I was tossing pennies at that cup there. I must have missed.
EDWARD
Are you twelve years old?
MAGGIE
No.
EDWARD
Well, you broke my mother’s auxiliary toaster. She’ll be irked.
MAGGIE
Irked?
EDWARD
Yes, irked. They have that word in Canada don’t they?
MAGGIE
Listen, if I knew this Canada thing would have been such a big deal I would have mentioned it, okay? But the drive up here was going so well I didn’t want to ruin it.
EDWARD
It wasn’t going that well. You talk in your sleep.
MAGGIE
Well, it’s a long drive to Trapper Creek from Anchorage.
EDWARD
It wasn’t even three hours.
MAGGIE
What did I say while I was sleeping then?
EDWARD
Nothing really that interesting.
MAGGIE
Well, it ruined your drive you said. So it has to be somewhat jarring.
EDWARD
I remember very clearly you said, “This ain’t a ancient ritual, this is backgammon,” then you said “You eat half, I eat half. We cut down the middle like gingerbread man.”
MAGGIE
Hmm.
EDWARD
That’s it? Just hmm?
MAGGIE
What do you want me to say? That I was dreaming of devouring you while playing board games?
EDWARD
What are you, 90 years old? Who plays backgammon?
MAGGIE
I don’t know. I’ve never played it. I don’t know why I was dreaming of it. Maybe it’s a sign that I’m really bored in this stuffy cabin and we should do something.
EDWARD
Like what? There’s nothing to do. We’re going to wait for mother to arrive, you’re going to pretend you’re my lovely girlfriend, we’re going to eat a tasty meal that does not require the use of the toaster, then we’ll sleep, she’ll leave, then I will pay you, and we’ll never see each other again.
MAGGIE
That all sounds so business-y. Can’t we be friends?
EDWARD
Why? We have nothing in common.
MAGGIE
Sure we do. We’re both, I don’t know, people. We both have opinions on the best way to prepare an egg. I prefer over hard, you prefer liberated from dietary constraints. We both hate backgammon?
EDWARD
I don’t hate it. I used to love it. My mother and I often played it here, at this cabin, when I was younger.
MAGGIE
So you and your mom came up here alone?
EDWARD
No, of course not. My brother and my father we’re here too.
MAGGIE
Where are they now?
EDWARD
Dead.
MAGGIE
Oh, sorry.
EDWARD
Did you murder them?
MAGGIE
No. I don’t think so. No.
EDWARD
Then you don’t have to be sorry. Besides, that was a long time ago.
MAGGIE
So did you grow up around here?
EDWARD
Anchorage. After high school I went to college in Seattle and now I only visit. And even that seems too much sometimes. I hate it here.
MAGGIE
You know, sometimes when I have to do something I hate, I just pretend it’s something awesome instead, and it gets easier.
EDWARD
Thanks, I’ll try that.
MAGGIE
You’re welcome.
EDWARD
Also, when my mother gets here, try not to say stupid things like that.
MAGGIE
Don’t be rude.
EDWARD
She’s very judgmental, and she does not under any circumstances suffer fools.
MAGGIE
I’m not a fool.
EDWARD
I believe you, but you do have a tendency to sound like one.
MAGGIE
I’ll just remain silent and attentive like a good house woman.
EDWARD
Woman’s lib sarcasm aside…do that.
The doorbell rings.
EDWARD
That’s her now. Behave, smile, be pretty. This is important and if you blow it I’m not going to pay you.
MAGGIE
You have my solemn oath that your mother will love the crap out of me.
EDWARD sighs and opens the door. JACK CRAVEN enters, carrying a fire ax, dragging the body of ANDREI. He slams the door behind him and stares at EDWARD.
JACK
Hi.
EDWARD
What is this?! What’s going on?! Who are you?! Maggie, call some-
JACK
-One question at a time, if you would. I confuse easily.
EDWARD
Get out!
JACK
I can’t. This is important.
EDWARD
I can’t have you here! Who are you? Who is that? Are you a psycho killer?
JACK
Come on, friend, one question at a time. I can’t keep up.
EDWARD
Who are you?
JACK
See? That isn’t so hard. We humans get so worked up over simple details. We just need to step back, take a breath, and just calm down a little, am I right?
EDWARD
Who are-
JACK
Am I right?
EDWARD
Sure. You’re right.
JACK
What about you over there, missy? You think so too, right?
MAGGIE
You’re right.
JACK
Good. Now we’re calm, we’re settled. We’re ready for introductions. Johnathan Craven is my name, but I prefer Jack. So call me Jack.
JACK extends his hand to EDWARD. EDWARD does not shake.
EDWARD
I’m Edward Haddon.
JACK
Nice to meet you, Edward Haddon. And who might you be, sweetheart?
MAGGIE
M-M-Maggie.
JACK
(Mocking stutter) M-M-Maggie? That a family name?
EDWARD
What are you doing here?
JACK
I'll explain in a minute, but right now this here's my number one priority.
EDWARD
But you can’t be here!
JACK
Oh? Ain’t you gonna show me any hospitality? You’d turn out a weary traveler into this cold, cold Alaskan evening? Do I look like I’m prepared to sleep in a f*****g cave?
EDWARD
Who is that man?
JACK
Oh, him? He’s no man. He’s evil.
MAGGIE
Evil?
JACK
Evil to the bones, missy. Evil right to the marrow. He ain’t no man, as Edward Haddon and Jack Craven are men. No ma’am.
EDWARD
He looks like a man to me.
JACK
Sure, he looks like a man all right. That’s how they get you. They wrap themselves up in man-shaped suits and play your better angels, but they ain’t gonna fool me any more.
EDWARD
If he isn’t a man, then what is he?
EDWARD turns to MAGGIE and mimes a phone call.
JACK
That ain’t gonna do you no good.
EDWARD
What?
JACK
Gettin’ your ladyfriend to call the police. The line’s been cut.
EDWARD
You cut the line?
JACK
Not me. Him. (He prods the body with his ax) He did it. He was gonna get you folks tonight. I saved you.
EDWARD
You saved us? What is it? What is he? Tell us.
JACK
You hear stories, sometimes. Whispers, really. In the corners of bars, in back alleys at night. Never out in the open, talking with the civility and politeness that we humans here talk with right now. These stories are the stuff that will nail your lids to your forehead so you never sleep again. There’s evil in the snowfall, Edward and M-m-Maggie. Evil that’ll come out and get you, and your families’ll never see you again. That’s what he is.
EDWARD
Can’t you just use a name or something?
JACK
Wiindigo.
EDWARD
Wiindi-what now?
JACK
Wiindigo.
MAGGIE
What’s a wiindigo?
JACK
A spirit, comes to you in the snow, looks like a man but it ain’t. They feast on us humans, chew on our bones.
MAGGIE
And that’s a wiindigo?
JACK
You bet your sweet a*s it is.
EDWARD
How can you be sure? It looks like a normal person.
JACK
I’ve been tracking this one for weeks. It only comes out to feed during snowstorms, and I’ve been waiting.
MAGGIE
I made toast.
JACK
Well, by what I can smell I’ll stick with bread, but I appreciate your kindness, sweetheart.
EDWARD
So what do we do now? I can have this body in the middle of the floor when mother arrives.
JACK
Who?
EDWARD
My mother is due to arrive any moment. I need to make sure everything goes well, and corpses are not something that will aid in that.
JACK
There’s only one way to be sure the spirit of the wiindigo is truly dead.
EDWARD
What is it?
JACK
You ain’t gonna like it.
EDWARD
What?
JACK
No, really. You ain’t gonna like it at all.
MAGGIE
What is it? Tell us.
JACK
You gotta eat it.
EDWARD
You’re insane.
JACK
You know, I hear that so often I might start believin’ it.
MAGGIE
I will not eat that body. I just made lunch.
EDWARD
I can’t take this anymore. You have to leave this instant.
JACK
I ain’t leavin’.
EDWARD
You must.
EDWARD tries to push JACK toward the door. JACK buttends EDWARD in the face with the ax handle. EDWARD stumbles back and falls into the chair. MAGGIE gasps and grabs a cleaver.
JACK
See? Your lady has the right idea. Bring that cleaver over here sweetie, he’s got some nice haunches that will do mighty tasty with the right hollandaise.
EDWARD holds his nose.
EDWARD
You’re a madman.
JACK
Listen, Edward Haddon. I’m doin’ this for your own good. This wiindigo was stalkin’ you, I was watchin’ it. It was gonna eat you and M-m-Maggie over there and laugh while it picked little bits of you out of its teeth with the nail of his little finger. If we don’t eat him, he’ll get a new man-suit and come back to finish what he started. Is that something you want? You wanna get ate?
EDWARD
No.
JACK
Right. Who does? ‘Sides tapeworms I guess, but that ain’t what we’re talkin’ about.
MAGGIE
Do I have to?
JACK
Yes ma’am you do. Everyone who lays eyes on a wiindigo has to eat the wiindigo or it can come back. We don’t want that do we?
MAGGIE
No.
JACK
Good girl. So. We got some work cut out for us.
JACK laughs hysterically. Lights fade.
SCENE 2
Same set. Dark. EDWARD stands by the door.
EDWARD
Where are you mother? It’s been hours. You should have been here.
MAGGIE enters from the kitchen, wearing oven mitts.
MAGGIE
She’s probably decided to stay in Anchorage for the night. The snow’s getting worse. Stop worrying. You’ll ruin your appetite.
EDWARD
She would have called.
MAGGIE
She can’t call, remember? The phones are dead.
EDWARD
I hate not knowing.
MAGGIE
It’ll be okay. She’ll get here as soon as the snow clears up. EDWARD You don't know that. You don't know what this snow can do to travelers.
MAGGIE
Just because we don't really know each other-
EDWARD
-You're right. We don't know each other. I'm not paying you for your condescension. So just keep it to yourself.
MAGGIE, miffed, returns to the kitchen. She begins to prepare a very large soup pot, adding water and vegetables. EDWARD paces between the window and the door.
MAGGIE
What do you need me for anyway?
EDWARD
I meet you in Seattle, you agree to travel over 2500 miles with me on a whim and the promise of money, you go along with these ridiculous circumstances, and you just now think to ask me that? Now? After everything?
MAGGIE
I figured you were gay.
EDWARD
How dare you make assumptions about me.
MAGGIE
I'm just making conversation. If you being gay is still a touchy subject or whatever, I'll stop.
EDWARD
I'm not gay.
MAGGIE
Then what is it? What do you need me for? You can't get a girlfriend the normal way?
EDWARD
It's complicated.
MAGGIE
Are you a weirdo or something? (She continues adding ingredients into the soup) Like, do you collect your toenail clippings to make a mosaic of Walter Cronkite or something?
EDWARD
Of course not.
MAGGIE
Good, because an ex of mine did that, and those jars get heavy.
EDWARD
My mother is very judgmental.
MAGGIE
So I heard.
EDWARD
I...just...it'd mean a lot.
MAGGIE
Okay.
Silence. Moments pass. MAGGIE puts the pot on the stove to simmer. JACK enters, smiling and whistling, wearing a butcher's apron. No blood yet.
JACK
So Edward Haddon and M-M-Maggie, are you ready to butcher a human body?
EDWARD
I thought it was a wiindigo?
JACK
Right, a wiindigo. It'll look like a human body though. But really, it's a wiindigo.
MAGGIE
What parts would go best in soup?
JACK
Fingers and toes, sweetheart. Fingers and toes.
EDWARD
I can't do this.
JACK
You can and you will. Or the wiindigo's spirit will live on. And it will-
EDWARD
-Blah blah blah, live on, come back, eat our faces off. I got it. I just don't think I can physically consume human flesh. It's such an abomination.
JACK
Pretend you're starving.
EDWARD
You can't pretend you're starving. That's like pretending you can fly or pretending you're not a librarian with a fish collection. Some things either are, or are not.
JACK
What if your life depended on it?
EDWARD
I don't know. I suppose if there were absolutely no other options beside eating another person and guaranteed death, I would do it.
JACK
Good man!
JACK pulls a gun from his coat and points it at EDWARD.
JACK
I'm sorry if this seems cliché Edward Haddon, but your life kinda does depend on it. Since you and the missus over here were the wiindigo's intended victims, it's gotta be you that devours his flesh. Every last pore and sinew. Now, I can't have some crazy snow spirit out huntin' my family, so this has to end. Here.
MAGGIE
Edward, it won't be so bad.
EDWARD
Are you insane? Of course it will be bad.
MAGGIE
Ignore that whole toast thing. I'm not a bad cook. I can make it tolerable, I think. Jack never said anything about cooking it. We can cook it, right?
JACK
What are we, barbarians? Of course we can cook it.
MAGGIE
See? We'll have some a*s steak and finger and toe soup and before you know it, we'll have eaten an entire adult wiindigo hiding in a man-suit.
EDWARD
This is awful.
JACK
Awful ain't even scratchin' the surface. Ready for some butcherin'?
JACK leaves to get the body.
EDWARD
How can you be so accepting of this? Aren't you at all suspicious?
MAGGIE
Suspicious of what?
EDWARD
Jack. All we have is his word to go on.
MAGGIE
I've heard stories of the wiindigo before.
EDWARD
I don't believe in spirits. It's all nonsense.
MAGGIE
You've never heard of people wandering into the snow, never to be seen again?
EDWARD
Of course I have. You have no idea. But this, the wiindigo, it's just too outrageous to accept. We have to do something. I think Jack is a murderer, and he's using us to cover it up.
MAGGIE
That would be pretty smart. Convince a couple on a romantic getaway that a big scary monster's out to eat them. I can think of worse ways to dispose of a body.
EDWARD
He'll kill us if we don't though. What are we going to do?
MAGGIE
What can we do? There's something about him that tells me he believes to the word what he's saying.
EDWARD
Any insane person would believe their delusions.
MAGGIE
I say we play along for a bit longer. See what happens.
EDWARD
Then what? Do we start chopping into that body without a care, get ourselves nice and guilty, then stop and call shenanigans?
MAGGIE
I don't think there's any other way, unless you want a bullet in your face.
EDWARD
I don't want a bullet in my face. You have me there.
MAGGIE
Just stay calm. The snow will stop soon and maybe we can make a run for it.
EDWARD
Maybe.
JACK enters.
JACK
Maybe what?
EDWARD
Maybe the moon's actually made of custard.
JACK
What? That's stupid. Cheese, obviously. Everyone knows that.
MAGGIE
So now what, Jack?
JACK
Yeah, about that. So funny story, it turns out the wiindigo isn't dead.
EDWARD
What?!
JACK
I went to the bathroom to get him, and...well...he's gone.
MAGGIE
Gone where? There's ten feet of snow out there.
JACK
He's a wiindigo. Snow is his element. This is not good.
EDWARD
Now what do we do, Jack?
JACK
I dunno. Lemme think for a minute.
EDWARD
There's either a murderous insatiable beast on the loose or (to MAGGIE) a gravely wounded victim struggling to get help.
MAGGIE
We have to look for him, I mean it, or he...the wiindigo. That.
JACK
He left a trail of blood.
EDWARD
We'll follow it!
JACK
Really? You don't think I thought of that?
EDWARD
Did you follow it?
JACK
Follow what?
EDWARD
The blood!
JACK
No.
MAGGIE
What not?
JACK
I came in here to tell you guys it's missing, obviously. Get your heads in the game.
EDWARD
Well let's go! We have to find him!
All three leave in different directions. The stage is empty. Lights fade.
SCENE III
The same cabin. After dark. Empty. After a few seconds of the empty silence keys can be heard jingling at a lock. Soon, the front door opens and an older woman, STELLA HADDON, enters carrying at least three items of luggage. She's struggling more than one would need to in this situation.
STELLA
Edward!
She struggles some more.
Edward, where are you?! Come in here and help me! My gout is flaring!
A man, ANDREI, gravely wounded, stumbles into the living room from within the cabin. He and STELLA lock eyes and stare at each other for several seconds. STELLA drops her luggage. ANDREI screams in terror. JACK, EDWARD, and MAGGIE enter, carrying the fire ax, a tennis racket, and a meat cleaver. ANDREI turns to face them, and passes out.
JACK
Oh, thank goodness. We found him.
EDWARD
Mother!
STELLA
Edward! What is going on?!
MAGGIE
Everyone stop yelling!
JACK
Sweetheart, put that soup on, we're feeding four now.
EDWARD
How did you get here? The snow...
STELLA
I've lived in Alaska my whole life. Some powdered sky sugar isn't going to stop me from seeing my boy's new woman.
JACK
Who wants to help me get our friend back into the bathtub?
JACK begins to slowly drag ANDREI away. Everyone just watches.
STELLA
Edward you tell me right now what the hell is going on here? I just reupholstered these cushions.
EDWARD
Apparently a wiindigo was going to eat Maggie and myself, but this man Jack arrived and saved us, and now we have to eat it to prevent it from being about to resurrect itself and come for us again.
STELLA
Is that it?
EDWARD
That's a pretty good synopsis of the events up to now, yes.
STELLA
You're very lucky, Edward, that this man was here to stop the wiindigo.
EDWARD
What?
STELLA
Go help that poor man before he throws out his back!
EDWARD, in a confused daze, assists JACK drag ANDREI away. STELLA begins to take off her outerwear, then notices MAGGIE.
STELLA
Are you pregnant?
MAGGIE
Excuse me?
STELLA
What did you do to guilt my boy into paying your way?
MAGGIE
I don't understand.
STELLA
I can see it on you, you're not at my boy Edward's level. You're beneath him. So what is it? Drunken one-night stand? © 2011 vukcic |
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Added on May 3, 2011 Last Updated on May 3, 2011 AuthorvukcicLapeer, MIAboutI write because there's absolutely no reason not to. For anyone. more..Writing
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