Chapter Eleven: Forgiveness Comes In Doses

That "I think we need to talk" hung in the air between us as I shifted to lay with my back flush to his chest.  I didn't want to be the first to say something seeing as I'd been the one to blow up and start the fight earlier that morning.  So we stayed for another few quiet moments, both wanting to speak up but at the same time wishing to keep the new found peace we'd found.  I didn't mind.  Talking could wait another couple of minutes.  Besides, I was the enjoying the simplicity of lying in his arms this way.  Andi with his back against my headboard relaxed and his arms wound tight around my waist as I leaned comfortably into his body.

Eventually, I felt his body stir and his chest rise as he took a breath to speak.

"First of all, I need to apologize.  What's my business is your business and vice versa.  I shouldn't have said what I did and for that I'm sorry."

I lay still against his body as I waited for him to continue.  I think it was easier for the words to come when he didn't have to judge my reactions as he spoke.

"The thing is, I know my mom loves me.  I know that and I'm grateful for it, truly I am but I can't say that I'm not still angry at her.  And I won't lie, I'm as much at fault as she as.  That I'm well aware of but mostly its my dads funeral that I can't get past.  The fact that she literally forced me up there and told me to tell everyone how 'wonderful' he was.  And then when I took off for a week she didn't bother to even ask where I'd been.  It was like she didn't care.  The funeral was huge, oh god, this freakin' 'amazing' thing and then after she could have cared less what I did.  Just so long as my fathers reputation was intact and kept up even after his death.  And I guess you could say I've taken advantage of her in way.  I know she doesn't want to upset me anymore.  And I think even she may have realized that getting me to give that speech was wrong.  She feels guilt from that.  But now, god now, it's like we're tip toeing around each other and I have to keep doing something even more and more extreme to get her attention.  I just wish she would say "No" once in awhile.  Show me that she cares enough to stop me.  Just prove the love that I know is there.."

He began to trail off and I tilted my head up to look into his eyes.  I wasn't too surprised to find the pain clouding them even though it hadn't been notable in his words.  Words that I kept going over and over in my mind..

"Honey?"  Andi's voice came through as my eyes drifted over to my window.

I looked back up to him seeing he was concerned and my brow furrowed wondering why of all things he was concerned for me, "Yeah?"

"You going to say something or just think about it all day long?"  He gave a chuckle, slightly amused but also slightly anxious.

I giggled, pressing my face into his chest before looking up with somber expression, "You wouldn't actually do anything dangerous would you?"  I asked in all seriousness.

Andi rolled his eyes and before he could respond I sitting up swatting at his head.

"I'm serious, you idiot!"

He caught my wrist and held it lightly, "Of course I wouldn't love.  And I'm sorry for laughing.  Really."

Andi began a trail of kisses from captured wrist up to elbow efficiently distracting me from any coherent thoughts.  I sat in a daze for awhile before snatching my arm away embarrassed and turning my back to him as my entire body flushed with color.  I couldn't believe how such a simple touch from him could completely blow my mind away.  My thoughts processed like molasses whenever he decided to place those lips upon my skin.  Speaking of which..

Andi nipped lightly at my neck, "It's kinda a blow to my ego when you move away you know.."

I groaned, standing up muttering, "Don't let him distract you.  Don't let him distract you." to myself and pacing across the room.

"We're talking about your mother, remember?" I growled putting emphasis on the "remember".

Andi stood beside the bed his hands in the air as if to say he wasn't guilty, "Hey hey now, I don't believe we've talked about your mother yet."

"Oh my god.  Are you serious?  Don't even try to change this onto to me.  You, you, YOU!"  I ended the final you with a poke to his chest as I glared up at him.

He gave me an innocent puppy dog look, "For the record, we have already talked about my mother."

"I know that," I rolled my eyes, "What I meant was what we can do to fix things for you guys."

"Alex..  Things don't need to be fixed.  I mean, yeah, I'm upset about it and yeah, it's probably going to bother me for awhile but I don't want to dwell on it.  And I don't see why I should," he shrugged, "It's too late by now and I'd rather go out and live my life.  I want to happy and my mom doesn't necessarily have to be a part of  that happiness.  I think I can learn to live with that."

I looked up at him, trying to find a way to get him to understand.  That he didn't have to live with it.  He could have his mom and they could be happy.  He had a choice.

I reached up, taking his strong jaw in my hands, forcing those emerald eyes to look into my own desperate eyes.

"Andi..  It doesn't have to be that way.  It's only been a year, you can still fix it!  Don't just 'learn to live with it'.  Fight for it.  I mean, you love your mom right and you want her to be happy much as you want to be happy yourself, right?"

He nodded slightly, my hands still grasping his face as I tried to get him to realize the huge decision he held in his hands.

"Then try talking to her.  Look, babe, I know its not as easy as that and I know its going to be hard but you won't regret it.  You and your mom will come out better people from it.  And you can be better together.  There's still time to fix it and it's not to late.  Don't ever think that.  It's never too late."

He nodded again, sinking down onto the bed as he pulled me down with him into his lap. 

He nuzzled into my neck, his breath tickling my ear as he whispered an almost inaudible question, "Not to pry but does the reason your so passionate about me fixing things with my mom have to do with the fact that you think you can't fix things with your own?"

I curled my knees up to my chest and hugged my arms around myself before turning to meet his eyes even as mine filled with tears threatening to spill.

"That's the thing Andi.." I whispered as one sole tear made a trail down my cheek, "For me, it is to late.  You can't fix something like 8 years.  A week, a month, a year, even two years!  That you can fix.  But eight years..  that's the sort of thing where it simply is too late and then you must concede to live with it."

Andi pulled my body closer to cradle me in his arms, "I'm sorry Alex..  I'm so sorry.."

My body shook as I let the tears go and my voice cracked and shook as I struggled to finish explaining, "And you know what the wor- worst pa-part is?" I continued on, only asking the question as rhetorical even though I did feel Andi give a quick nod, "I don't even care anymore!  I don't care!  How sad is that?!  I could care less about my mother, my mother of all people who you're supposed to love unconditionally and they're supposed to love you unconditionally back!  And I don't care!  I never want her to come back, ever!  What kind of a horrible person am I?!"  I cried, nearly hysterically at this point as Andi soothing rubbed a hand down my back.

He held me as I cried for god knows how long until the tears subsided and I was instead replaced with embarrassment.

I sat up slowly and wiped at my cheeks, "Why does it always seem that I end up so emotional around you?"

I didn't think that he wouldn't actually seriously consider it so I surprised when he gave a thoughtful answer, "Because I'm the only one who'll listen and not judge."

He stated it simply as he saw it, not asking me but telling me and unknowingly informing me that I would always be able to depend upon him.  I laughed just for the joy of laughing before twisting and giving him an awkward hug.

"You know you're amazing, right?"

He ruffled my hair, "Of course dollface, now what do you say I give you that skateboarding lesson?"

I jumped up squealing, "You just got ten more times amazing!"

I moved quickly around the room, spotting my bag that he must have dropped when he first came and scared the s**t out of me.  Which seemed almost comical now even though at the time I nearly thought I was going to die.  I pulled out the clothes that I'd planned on wearing for today and almost had my shirt off before remembering Andi was in the room.  I turned to see him looking at me with his eyebrows way up, surprised but at the same time saying 'go on now, go on'.  I rolled my eyes before making a shooing motion as he got the hint and left my room closing the door behind him.

Typical guy..

I changed quickly, pulling my beloved size 5 Converse onto my feet and tugging a shredded belt through my jeans.  I took one last glance in my mirror grinning to myself like an incompetent moron.  I was going to learn how to skateboard!  Yessssss!