Chapter Fourteen: Life Is Rarely A Fair Curse

"Cancer.."  The quiet whisper escaped Jenni's lips as her voice failed.

Her voice grew stronger as she attempted to verbalize the one thing that she knew would inevitable break me, "Alex, I have cancer."

The world blurred and my vision was fuzzy as I struggled to understand what she was saying.  No.  No, no, no!  My mind was screaming.  This wasn't happening.  This couldn't be happening.  No.

I dimly felt arms wrap around my shoulders as I shook unconsciously, sobs racking both mine and Jenni's body.

"W-w-when?" I choked out.

She sat up again next to me, "June.  I found out at the end of 8th." She wiped a hand across her face catching the excess tears.  It wouldn't have mattered, new ones soon filled the empty surface.

"How l-long?" I asked barely audible, not completely sure I even wanted to hear the answer.

A new batch of tears sprung full force to her eyes, "I-They don't know yet.  I have one last appointment to go to in two weeks and I get the choice to decide if I want to know the estimate or if I'd rather not know.  I'm not sure what I want to do yet."

My first instinct was to tell her to yes, she did want to know but the more I thought about it, the more indecisive I became.  Did I really want to spend a countdown of the rest of my best friends days?  Thinking all the while, only a week, three days, a day, today..  Or even more important watching her and knowing she was reminded every day the number went down.  But could I stand not knowing?  Knowing that as any day passes it could be her last, could I handle it?

I quickly realized how inconsiderate and incredibly self-absorbed I was being.  Could I handle it?  Hell, could she handle it?  That was the more important part.  I couldn't help but want to be a little selfish though, she wasn't the one who would get left behind.

I swiped a hand in attempt to clear the tears and put a brave front on for Jenni, regardless of how I actually felt, "In the end, it's really  up to you and I'll support you with whatever you decide."

"I know you will.. but, I- I don't know how to take it.  And I guess you were wrong," she was a sad smile, "I am going to die soon and theres not a thing either of us can do about it.  This isn't something we can fix!  It's out of our, my control!"  Jenni burst out, the expected by now tears bursting out.

I pulled her into my lap, "Shushhh, baby.  Shush, we're gonna figure it out."

"I mean how can I, how can anyone for that matter, decide whether they want to know when they'll die or not?!  How can they make that choice?  Can I live with knowing its a mere year, month, week, day before I die?  Or go with never knowing, expecting to die any second?  Either way I lose!  If I choose to know then I live in fear of that date and time will pass quicker than I expect but if I never know I could never get done all that I want before I leave this world.  Alex..  tell what to do."

Even as Jenni pleaded with me, I knew this was not a decision I could or would make for her.

"Jen..  You know I can't."

"Yeah.."  She sighed.

"Hey Jen?  Does..  Does anyone else know?  I mean, besides your parents, does Evan know?" 

I thought back to the night at the mall.  I knew he had to have known but I wanted conformation from Jenni.  Maybe it was wrong of me to be angry that he had known before me and didn't even tell me regardless of Jenni's wises.  I was her best friend and I thought that would always mean more than a boyfriend.

Jenni crawled out of my lap and laid on her back on the floor, her eyes closed.

"No..  And yes.  My parents, Evan and now you know."

"Why?" I asked the simple one worded question, knowing she would understand what I meant.

She didn't even flinch and answered as if she had been expecting it, "He wasn't meant to know.  I never wanted anyone besides my parents to know.  I thought I could beat this illness," her body visibly shuddered as she fought off tears, "I thought I could rid myself of it and be well again and no one would be the wiser.  Obviously, that's not going to be the case."

I shuddered at the now known meaning behind her words as she sat up and wrapped her arms around her legs.  It was like in was an unconscious movement to try and protect her fragile heart.  If only I knew how fragile..

"And when Evan found out, I thought it would only get worse.  We were in my room, just laying together and enjoying the quiet, serene almost, quality the air seemed to have to it.  I was at peace for a sole hour, the most I had been able to find for months wrapped up in his arms.  I felt comforted, like maybe everything would be okay.  Then my mom came home and I thought nothing of it until she came upstairs and then I remembered: I hadn't told her Andi would be over.  She thought I was alone so I suppose I can't place the blame on her.  She came up to my door, knocked quietly and said 'Jenni?  Chemo in a hour, remember?' and then I knew it was all over.  I felt Evans arms tense around me as he whispered the word 'chemo?' and it was so soft.  He had to have been in shock and then the dreaded question as he made me sit up with him at the exact moment Mom came in.  And I know she felt awful, I could read her beg of forgiveness and the silent apology as she left me alone to explain as she knew I wanted it.  He just looked at me Alex!  It was like I could feel his breaking in two and he asked me 'Jenni?  What'd she mean?' in that heartbreaking way that told me he already knew but didn't want to believe it.  And so I told him."

Her voice cracked a bit on the last sentence before she continued, "I mean, what else could I do?!  And now, things are different.  In public, things are as they've always been because he's well aware I don't, well I guess didn't now, want anyone to know.  And I hated and still hate that I had to put that on his shoulders, however unintentional it might have been.  Sometimes when we're alone, he'll just hold me tight and refuse to let me see his face.  I know he must be crying or at least close to it.  And I keep wondering if it's fair to him?  Should I break it off and let him live without me while I'm still here?  Let him ease into it or hold on like I want to until the end?  I love him so much, but I guess that's the thing, I love him enough that if its better to let go now, I will."

She finished defiantly, determined to do whatever it would take for the betterment of her boyfriend, regardless of how she felt.  I don't know if I could ever be that selfless.  But I suppose that's why Jenni was always the better half of us two.  That's just how she was, always doing better for a stranger than her own self.

"I, Jen, you know I can't tell you what to.."

"I know, I know, we've been through this before," She looked up at me, her eyes continually closing, "I hate to be such a bother but well, as I'm guessing you can assume, this is the most activity I've had in awhile.  Can we sleep?"

I laughed a sad laugh and patted the bed beside me.  Jenni crawled over and climbed up slowly, almost immediately falling into a slumber.  I stood up, wanting to leave her to find the much needed peace I hoped she would discover within rest.  I paused at the doorway, a sad smile gracing my features as I stared at my best friends tiny form upon my bed.  Her figure as fragile as ever and her mentality just as frail.