Chapter Fitteen: Finding The Flicker Of Light

"Gas prices soaring as the economy slows..click..Car wreck on route 79 going east..click..Fighting it was the hardest part.."

I paused with my finger on the remote as I stared at the TV screen fixated.  It was some random Lifetime movie, currently showing a screen shot of a woman as she told her story.  I set the remote down beside me, curious enough to watch for awhile.

"There were days when I couldn't get up but I did," she laughed softly, "They'd come home and find me on my bedroom floor asleep.  I would be so exhausted from simply standing up from the bed that all I could do was fall down and that's where they'd find me, on the floor completely out."

"What kept you going?" asked who I assumed to be the lady producing the interview turned movie.

She chuckled again, "What kept me going?  Life I suppose.  The sheer beauty of it and everything in it.  It'd be too good to leave and I certainly wasn't ready.  Cancer-"

I gasped.  I'd felt it'd be something like that but the pure irony in all of it got to me.  As much as it hurt to watch, I had to.  It was obvious she was a survivor and if she could do it then certainly Jenni could and maybe I could learn something to help her.

"This is my weakness in life.  My own battle to fight as everyone has.  But that's a part of life, it's how we become who we are." She leaned forward, looking straight into the camera, with her hands clasped to her knees, "So to all of you struggling out there with a disease of your own, whether it be a failing marriage or AIDS or even depression, remember the good in life.  There will be ups and downs and sometimes it'll seem like those downs go on forever but eventually it all has to meet back up at the top."

She shrugged, leaning back again.

"You just have to keep fighting through each day and remember that it's worth it because when you find that perfect moment, no matter whats gone wrong or whats happening, it will be okay and you will be okay.  Happiness finds you in the most unexpected ways."

I heard a sniffle to my left and jumped up from the couch seeing Jenni leaning against wall in the entrance to the living room.  I wiped my own tearing eyes and stepped towards her.

"How long have you been standing there?"

She gave me the simple answer, "Long enough.."

I opened my mouth to speak again only to have her unintentionally interrupt me, "I really should be heading home though, it's almost time for dinner.  I'm just going to step out and call Evan to come get me, alright?"

I nodded, "Yeah, it's cool."

She smiled lightly and gave a little wave, making her way to the front door.  I watched her silently from the living room doorway, the TV illuminating the hall and casting shadows on the walls.  I stood for a moment before letting a sigh slip out and returned to the couch to grab the remote and flick the TV off.  I trudged up the stairs to my room and flung myself on my bed, a million thoughts running through my mind.

Great Birthday!

Wait..

S**t!

I bolted up just as my phone went off.  I looked at the screen.  Andi, of course.

I laid back down and flicked it open, "Hey baby," I said, trying to keep my voice neutral.

"Hey gorgeous," I could hear the grin in his voice and it only made me feel worse about what I had to ask him to do, "How's your birthday been going so far?"

"It's been.. uh.. good.  Great!"

You've never been a good liar..

Oh shut up!  I yelled to my subconscious before realizing how insane I was acting.  I shook my head returning to the conversation at hand, "Do you think that maybe we could.. like, you know, like reschedule tonight or something though?"

Even though he couldn't see it, as of habit, I bit my lip and grimaced slightly for effect.

"What?  Baby, what's going on?"

Ugh, I groaned, even through the phone he saw right through me!

"I just have this.. uh, massive headache!  AND my parents just got back!"

"What?" I could hear the questioning tone, "I thought your parents were in Cali for work.."

Oh god, oh god, here it comes: word vomit!

"Yeah, yeah, they were.  But, uh, they decided to surprise me and come back just in time for my birthday!  And since I already don't feel good they thought it'd be great to just stay home and celebrate!  I would invite you over but I don't want you to catch anything, you know, cause that would be like, uh.. bad!  But see you at school tomorrow?"

"You don't want me to catch a.. headache?"

S**t.  See this is why I hate lying!

"No, no, I just think I'm coming down with something and that's why my head like hurts, you know?"

"Alex."

Uh, oh..

The use of my real name was starting to freak me out.  Andi never ever called me Alex even to get my attention.  It was always babe or gorgeous or whatever but never Alex.

"Look, I thought everything was good with us.  I mean todays our three month anniversary!  And you know what the funny thing is?  I had everything planned out, we were going to go out with everyone, you were going to meet my friends like you wanted!  I had them clean up and everything..  That was all for nothing..  And, ha," He laughed, "I had the most perfect way to end the night, you would have loved it because, god Alex, you know why?  Because I love you.  I love you."

Again came the mocking laugh and I cringed, pulling myself up to the sit in the center of my bed.

"I f*****g love you Alex and here you are going off and cheating on me or whatever the hell it is you're doing!"

I gasped, not only was he way off, but this was also the part of his personality that I hated.  How he could just jump to conclusions and how he would get so mad.

"Andi!  You know I would never!"

"Really?  Really, Alex?!  Then what are you hiding?  Is he there now?"

"God no, Andi, no one's here!  And there's no one who could be here because there is no one else..  It's just you, I promise."

I heard a crash in the background, "Andi..?  What was that?"

"Certainly not what you're thinking, I don't have anyone on the side," He literally growled through the phone.

"God, Andi!  I can't even deal with you right now, I'll see you on Monday, alright?"

"Maybe not, is your secret lover calling you now?"

I hear his sarcasm dripping through the phone.

"Goddammit Andi!  Just, just-" I struggled with an insult, "F**k you!  Alright, f**k you Andi!"

"Oh wouldn't you just love to do that!"

I let out a scream of frustration, fiercely pushing the disconnect button and throwing my phone at the wall.  I stood up and paced, beyond infuriated.  He had deliberately provoked me!  I couldn't even think!

I turned swiftly and rammed my fist into the wall, hissing as I pulled back and grabbed my hurt hand.  The knuckles were split and as I looked up there was a decent sized dent in my wall.

D****t..

Ugh, well, I was going to have to clean them up sooner or later, so why not get it done now?

Clasping my injured hand, I made my way the bathroom and reached up to the medical supplies searching for a bottle of peroxide to clean the cuts with.  Not finding any, I grabbed the rubbing alcohol, pausing as a memory flooded my mind.

"Rubbing alcohol, I couldn't find the peroxide..  Sorry, I know it stings."

When I'd hurt my palms from skateboarding..  I had seriously had enough of the ridiculous irony today.  Why couldn't he always be that sweet?  That.. perfect?  I know it's not right to expect perfection but he was so perfect sometimes when he messed up it only made it that much worse..

I brought a hand to the tears dotting my cheeks, my back pressed against the wall, half falling, half sliding, I collapsed to the floor curling my arms around myself.  I rocked myself back and forth as the tears came, just trying to hold everything together.  I was so.. conflicted.  Angry and sad and confused and worried and upset and everything just all tied up together.  And not to mention the amount I'd been crying lately!  I just felt like I was breaking, like I was falling apart.  My whole life was f a l l i n g  a p a r t.