A lack of hope

People like to hope. 

 If people don’t hope they have to face all of the misery and pain rather than putting it all off for a tad longer because, it will all, of course, “get better in time”. 

That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. 

If things do get better eventually, it isn’t as a result of your hope or time, it’s a result of every decision you have ever made which has lead you to that point, a result of life.  

Either way, the pain will reach you, no matter what walls you build, no matter how happy you think you are; you can’t outrun it. 

When you close your eyes it is that thing that you think you can see within the emptiness. 

When you turn out the lights it is that figure you create out of things you can see in the darkness, that figure you see as meaningless. 

When you go outside into the night it is that feeling like someone is following you, the paranoia that there is something just around that corner, waiting to throw you to the ground and rip you apart, leaving a lifeless, worthless shell behind that can’t even comprehend what this “love” thing is that everyone talks about. 

It is not knowing if you’ll ever truly belong because you can’t differentiate your hatred and your desires. It’s the monster that under your bed, sucking the life out of you every night, but don’t worry, “it’s fine” because you are adamant that it “doesn’t exist”. 

You can’t outrun pain, because you can’t give it a form, it only resides within you.

You are the common denominator here. 

Maybe it turns out that you are the problem. 

That your mind is a puzzle that is crumbling, none of the pieces fit like they used to. 

It is showing a different picture, but you can’t figure out what because you are too selfish to consider that anyone else could affect your brain, making it this mush that not even you can understand. 

It is supposed to be that darkness is merely a lack of light, so in the dark, you should look for the light to lead you out. 

But if you are the darkness, there is no escape. 

There is never an escape.

All you can do is cover up the problem and hope that it goes away. 

But that isn’t how life works, and you are fooling yourself if you believe that for a second.