Empty Happiness

A Story by Reese

What do I really want? Happiness? I already have that, but it feels empty. Maybe that's what I feel.

Blurry eyes, wet paper, pen stopped mid word, I closed my eyes and stopped the tears from falling on my cheeks. My brows furrowed, clenching my eyes shut, stopping the overflowing tears on my eyes from rolling. I didn't want to cry, I was tired of crying. Crying for nothing, crying for something I didn't know, crying for the mixed emotions I couldn't pinpoint, crying again and again. The tears overflowing like a glassful of water, pouring it in, never stopping. So full, yet so empty that I couldn't stop the water from coming in. I wanted to get away from it, run from it, but the dead weight of emotions drags me in and pulls me deep under, drowning me.

What did I want? What did I want to gain? What did I really want in my life? Happiness? I already have that, but it feels empty. Empty. Maybe that's what I feel. Empty.

Empty of emotions, empty of everything that makes a human being feel. Coldness? I just don't know.

How do I do this? How do I feel again without you in it? How do I feel like a human being again without feeling everything a human isn't suppose to feel everything? How?

How?

I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm confused, I want to be happy but these things is just flowing, and I just don't know what to feel. I don't know how to feel one emotion at a time.

I tire myself because I want to make my brain shut, my body ache, and my eyes tired because I want to just feel that and nothing else.

It's too complicated, I don't even know how much you want me or not want me. I don't even know if you still love me or not. I don't even know if you miss me or not.

I just want to know one thing from you and maybe these mixed emotions I feel would stop. I just want you to hint me what you want because, right now, you are making me feel as if nothing had happened. You are making me feel as if I'll be just here when you get back and reclaim me like I have no emotions to feel about it.

I'm a human being that conceals her feelings too just for the sake of everyone. But why do you waste it and make me feel like you are taking advantage of it?