love

She broke his heart three times. But he took her back the first two times. The third, he didn’t have enough heart left so she broke his soul. His spirit. Left him in the dust.

His heart was always his biggest downfall. It wasn’t his fault he fell in love. For the first time in his life.

It’s not his fault he gave up his career for her.

It’s not his fault when the voices arrived.

It’s not his fault when she started communicating with the voices.

It’s not his fault when she became the voices.

He gave up everything for her. He would do anything for her.

She broke his heart the first time and there were wounds, but he took her back. She was his first love, you can’t blame him.

She broke his heart the second time and there were bruises, but he took her back. She was his first love, you can’t blame him.

She broke his heart the third time, eventually taking his soul with her and there were tears. His tears. He doesn’t cry. Boys aren’t supposed to cry, something he heard his whole life.

He left her. She broke him. She broke him down until he was a sliver of the man he once was. He was a little boy to her. A toy with no feelings. She never loved him.

He loved her. He loved her with all the passion he could muster. He loved her like the sun loves the moon. He loved her like plants love the rain. He loved her until she broke him.

Tore him down until he couldn’t breathe. Until he was crying himself to sleep. Until all his thoughts, all his ideas contained only her. She wouldn’t have it any other way.

She was the monster under his bed. The demon in his closet. The voices in his head.

She never loved him. She just wanted to consume him. Eat his heart out like the wretched thing she is. Suck all the love and light and life out of him until he was nothing.

He loved her, with his entire being. With all the love he could give, all the love he could create, he gave to her. He gave her everything.

She gave him nothing.

Author's Note

This is my first post (yay!) so I appreciate all comments (good and critical!!)

Reviews

[emipoemi]

This reads more like a poem, for starters, and in fact would be more powerful as a poem. But either way, it's not yet finished, though a great start. With both poems and stories of this sort, you need to pick your beats, and hit the readers where it hurts at the right moments. When you repeat things too much, the readers lose interest in the piece and lose faith in you as a writer. You have to keep building up, up, up, until you give them a cathartic experience.

With that said, there are soooo many moments here where you repeat details unnecessarily, and the repetitions are the more powerful iterations. Try fiddling around with just saying everything once, and making the occasional line break to structure the poem (for I'll say it again, it's more powerful as a poem than a story), and see how it reads. Guaranteed, you would feel more satisfied with it, for it would create a cathartic moment that readers could experience right when they reach that end.

This otherwise is a great piece with substantial potential! Good start!