Letter for You

I have so many things to tell you.

I have written you so many times

15 times to be exact

 but

my courage seems to have walked out the door.

I kept those letters for you

waiting

hoping

you'll get to read them.

I don't really know why I'm writing this.

I don't see courage coming back anytime soon.

But here I am

writing

yet another letter for you.

I have managed to tell you many things 

about my personal life

about me.

I have let you see

a part of me that I don't show many people.

You

 have found a way into my life.

You

have somehow convinced me to let my guard down.

And let me tell you this,

I dont regret it.

I may have mentioned some of this to you before

but never the whole story.

Before I met you,

I was in a horrible state of mind,

mentally.

I felt

useless

worthless

unimportant

unloved

I was unhappy with myself.

Lots of things were running through my mind.

Things that would make people question 

my sanity.

And it was true.

What I had in mind

It wasn't sane.

I had been planning on committing murder,

a special kind of murder.

Suicide. 

I had been thinking about it for quite some time

and I was finally going through with it.

The day.

January 1st.

How.

Overdose.

The letter.

Already written out.

I was ready.

I didn't see a reason to stay.

I only felt pain.

I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

If I wasn't alive,

If I was gone,

who was there to disappoint?

I used to think

'people who take their life away aren't trying hard enough'

'people who kill themselves just need to have patience'

I didn't know

I didn't know until I was them.

I was the one contemplating.

I tried

so hard

to look for the good things in life.

I held on

as long as I could bear

but I was emotionally drained and tired.

I finally understood.

All I wanted

All I was looking for

was relief.

It seemed like the only viable option

Suicide.

That changed

when I met you.

We became close

quickly.

I shared things with you that I hadn't shared with anyone else.

I felt as if I could trust you

with anything.

You were like a superhero.

You had powers.

You could make me truly

smile

laugh

You made me feel something

other than pain.

It'd been such a long time since I'd felt 

happiness

a genuine smile.

I don't know how you did it

but you did it.

You made me feel like

I had butterflies

in my stomach every time we talked.

You made me feel like

I actually had a chance of changing my life

for the better.

What your smile could do was 

unbelievable.

What you could do to me was

unbelievable.

It was as if with your presence 

all my worries

all my pain

vanished into thin air.

I could feel myself slowly start to feel happy again.

You gave me a reason to stay a while longer.

You made my dangerous thoughts subside.

Every time I spoke with you

I got closer to you.

Every time I got closer to you

I pushed back my suicide date.

It had reached the point

where I had become so attached to you

that I could go through with my plan anymore.

I could just up and leave you.

I decided

not to kill myself

and so far

it has been the best decision I have ever made.

If my plan had gone through,

I would have never been able to experience everything I went through with you.

I would have missed out on so many amazing things.

I would have missed out on everything you could make me feel.

I would have missed out on you.

I didn't think I could grow closer to you than I already was

but I was wrong.

My feelings continued to grow.

My life with you was honestly so much better and happier than it had ever been.

Every minute I spent with you

Every second I spent with you

was amazing.

You have no clue how happy it made me being with you.

I had no idea it was even possible for a person to experience that amount of happiness.

I knew things would be all right

as long as I had you

by my side.

Every thing I saw

Every thing I heard

somehow found a way to remind me of you.

I was so happy to have the privilege to call you mine.

Every thing about your smile

your eyes

your laugh

made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

I was happy with you.

I could see us together for a long time.

I could see myself happy for the rest of my life.

I loved 

holding your hand and

kissing you whenever I pleased.

I loved 

feeling your embrace.

I loved you.

I loved you so damn much

and I still do.

I love you

Matthew Collin Parker.

I love you so damn much.

I love your personality.

I love the way you say 'fancied up' instead of  'getting dressed.'

I love how you're proud to be a country boy.

I love your soft, sweet kisses.

I love how you pay attention to detail

and try your best to keep me happy.

Even though being with you

 already makes me the happiest girl in the world.

And I don't think anything could make me happier

than being with the man I love.

I've been holding this in for so long

and it finally feels great to tell you

I love you.

I don't even know if you'll ever get to read this

but 

my love,

thank you.

Author's Note

This is a letter I wrote to my boyfriend (I converted it into a poem), so yes. Everything written down here is true.
********MY BOYFRIENDS NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED FOR THIS**********
[the name Matthew Collin Parker is made up]