Only One

i was feeling gloomy

Maybe one day I'll be able to look back on the summer and laugh at how stupid I was.

Maybe one day I'll have forgotten all the time we spent together, all the times i could have just kissed him, all the times i was jealous of every girl who was hugging him, all the times i felt like if i had something different, things would have changed. Maybe all those dances we went to weren't a waste of time, but a passing of time. Maybe he never felt anything, maybe he felt the same things. Maybe I was so blind I didn't see how far I would fall. Maybe once I fell I thought he would help me up. Maybe I just tried too hard. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

 

Yesterday was the pits. I saw him with that girl. I know exactly how she felt. I know that, because they weren't holding hands, that the relationship won't last another week. I know that he's going to find somebody who will give him all the sexual attention he needs. I know that I'm going to have to leave next year because I would be miserable running into him in the hallways all the time. I know that she wants him as much as i did/do. I can't go back to him, he thinks so little of me.

 

I never expected that he would stare longingly at me when I told Bryan that I loved him, when I'm about to break his heart. I never expected that one person could change oyur hopes, your dreams, your expectations, the music you listen to, your opinions, the way you see yourself, but he did. I never would have expected him to know my laugh but he did. I never would have expected him to not have told me everything, but he never did.

 

And now I can't enjoy myself today. I can't go back to where he is and apologize. I can't go back to where he is and ignore him like yesterday. I can't go to where he is and be with Cruz. I don't miss him. I don't love him anymore, I just need him back in my life. For the longest time, he was the voice inside my head.

 

He said some things that hurt, though. "I knew that you liked me so much." I did. But it wasn't like that. I wasn't your puppy dog. I was a girl who needed you. "I'm sorry for using you" What are you talking about? You didn't USE me. You made me feel alive. "I'm sorry and what I did was horrible" If you were so sorry you would have never done that. You would have given me a second chance.

 

But no,

now your sister is creeped out by me. my old friends update me on your life because they don't know that I don't care like that anymore. the old songs I can't listen to. our old places I wouldn't be able to go to anymore because I'd break down, I'm sure.

 

so thanks.

you've made my life miserable.

 

again.