Because Really

Regardless of how often you fight what you’re feeling, no matter how hard you beat that incessant gnawing into temporary submission you are never really able to turn off each and every feeling brought on by an unhealthy obsession. You can pretend of course, and weave yourself a happy daydream that everyone who sees you will happily accept just so they don’t have to pity you. Or stop their busy lives to care even if only for a moment. But, every night when the lights are off and it’s just you and that empty pit in your stomach and the dreams…No… The nightmares. Your mind begins to destruct that wonderful daydream. Your real longings break free. They wrap around every nerve in your body until you have convinced yourself it’s real, until you’re practically crying from the feeling of completeness again . And then, just as suddenly as it comes you’re eyes adjust to the light now pouring through the cracks in your shades, and the gnawing comes back. You’re alone and you fight it all over again. Because really, what else can you do? Because really, that’s all you can do.

But there comes a time when you’ll wake up one day and the pain will not be as overbearing as you remembered. You will actually want to get out of bed and try to accomplish tasks. You won’t spend your entire day constructing your perfect smile, consintrating on making your laugh believable and you won’t have to blink your eyes hundreds of times to hold back the tears that are waiting to be shed. You’ll smile and it wont take effort. You’ll laugh, and it will be a real laugh. A ‘You’ laugh. Like before, no one will comment, no one will draw attention to the big, hundred pound gorilla that’s standing directly behind you, but they’ll know. They’ll know that you’re trying. That you’re fighting it. Hard. And its starting to work. And you’ll know too, because that gnawing is just a nibble now. That pit is just a small hole and you’re slowly filling it back up with yourself. You’ll still hurt. Oh yes, you will hurt. It will hurt forever. Even when you think you’ve gotten over it, when you’ve moved on and your life is happy. You will think back on it one day and those dreaded tears? They will come. They’ll spill hot and unforgiving down your cheeks. You’ll remember every moment, second, centimeter of time, of memory. Only now, you’ll welcome that hurt because you know that it means that you fought it. You’ll accept it because it happened and it was, in it’s own awkward way, beautiful. Because really, what else can you do? Because really, that’s all you can do.

 

Author's Note

honesty is the best policy -bejamin franklin

Reviews

[Queen of Chaos]

very deep and thoughtful

[dilettante1890]

So true! Nice little piece. I enjoyed it!