Scene.II

oo.oo.oo

The bell on the door tinkled and another pair of feet began announcing their ascent up the stairs with loud, consistent thumps. Marquis had mentioned a few other people being there, but since my arrival fifteen minutes ago, five other people had joined the original three of us. I halfway introduced myself to the newcomers, certain that I would never see them again after tonight.

From my position atop an uncomfortable stool I felt like the king of the bar. No one could touch me and I knew everything about everyone around me. I knew I was in control. I normally only felt like that but the vodka water in my hand gave me the extra confidence needed to help a feeling evolve into fact.

My new compatriots wanted to get to know me more. Where was I from? Oh they love Nashville! No, they haven't heard of my suburb. What was I studying? That's interesting, what did I want to do with that? What did I want to do with these people. With anything. Halfway through the conversation I realize I've had the same one three times that night and quickly lose interest. I rose from the stool and put my hand on Marquis's shoulder.

"Hey man'm gonna go grabba cig," I mumble.

I set off towards the door to the bar's balcony, determined that a healthy dose of carcinogenic gases will set me right. But… had I even been feeling wrong? I forget about it and light my cigarette, keen to avoid the twisting fractal cobwebs of my thoughts for a few moments. Often I wondered what it would be like to be completely separate from my body. No skin, no nerves, so no feeling of touch. No eyes, so nothing to see. No heart. No brain. Just me. The smoke leaks out of the corners of my mouth in lazy tendrils. I imagine it's my soul falling out into the night air.

I'm brought back to everyone else's reality when a loud 'Hey, man!' finds its way into my ears. I blink and shake my head a few times, hoping it doesn't look weird. Why do you care if it looks weird? You shouldn't care what other people think. Just be yourself. If you're trying you're not being yourself. Or.. Wait.. I want to put effort into who I am, but… d****t quit getting so wrapped up in your thoughts and just be normal. I lift my head out of my hands and find James approaching me with a high-five. I adroitly catch his hand in mine and wrap my arm around his back in a brief embrace. Just enough to show everyone else that we each have so many friends that we bump into them all over town. Well, that's why I did it. No, it was because he's my friend. Then again I'd never really considered him more than an acquaintance. The human mind, my human mind, will never cease to confuse and weaken me.

James asks me what I've been up to. I give him the same five minutes' worth of fabricated reality I'd been feeding everyone around me for weeks. Oh, you know, just work, man. Oxford's so boring in the summer haha. Yeah, yeah dude tell me about it, I can't find any either. Nope, no classes this summer. It starts to leave a bad taste in my mouth so I take another drag of my cigarette.

Eventually James's friends ask him if he's coming and he gives me another hand-slapping embrace, which I return. I flick the butt over the balcony and into the street, wondering if the filter will biodegrade properly before it ends up killing a bird or a fish. Actually, I wonder if they biodegrade at all. Actually, I wonder why I'm wondering about cigarette filters instead of trying to talk to these happy people. I want to be happy. Maybe they can show me how.

I wonder what my friends back home are doing.