mentally dating you..physically hating you

this is a story that i have wanted to tell because it is the defintion of my high school experience

For most people, high school is where they fall in love or where they learn that love is the hardest virtue to find. But, you have people like me who have a different point of view about high school.In high school, i learned that the world is filled with pretty messed up people. People who will not appreciate anything you do for them because to them, you are just another "lost" person.

Freshmen year, i hated school because i felt as if i was surrounded by a bunch of people who never appreciated me --maybe i was right ...but i still don't know. Then my composition teacher sat me next to this guy who i had never even seen in my class. Maybe because he never talked or maybe because he never seemed significant to me.But either way i did what i had learned to do best, i turned my head and faced the window so i would not have to talk to him.This became a habit and one day he decided to break the ice by asking me what my name was. I said "keily" and i turned my head. then in a low voice i heard him say" well mine is Jonathan" ,but i cared less so i didn't say anything.

After that, he made it a habit to always say hi to me each time we were in class and eventually i started talking to him because he seemed cool.It was end of freshmen and i had a few "friends "and by that i mean i had people who i said hi and bye to but nothing more. Since i had nothing to do over the summer i decided to take a Geomety class to kill time.When the day came i walked to school and at the entrance i saw Michelle who was in my Algebra class the previous year. Since we were the only ones there things started getting awkward and she decided to say something. "soooo keily i see you love math so much that you even come to summer to take classes,or maybe you're just like me with no life so you just decided to take a class" Right there, i knew that i had met a person who was exactly like me.And all summer long we spent time together because we were low lives who enjoyed math.At the end of summer she told me to hang out with her and her friends . She even added " i saw that last year you got along with Jonathan so you guys can be with us" I didn't know that Jonathan knew Michelle but i knew i was going to have a great year.

 10th grade started off pretty cool because i was  taking honors classes and i finally had friends.Jonathan and i grew even closer because we had similar sense of humor and we loved talking about people.Eventually Jonathan decided to leave Michelle's group and be with me and some of my new friends.We stated getting closes because we walked home together ,texted for hours and waited for each other before school.There was one major problem between me and Jonathan, he would get easily offended by the slightest things. He spent most of his time with me or other girls so i guess he was starting to act like us. 

Eventually we had that awkward talk where i asked him if he was gay and he said he was bisexual. I didn't believe him because i knew that he was trying to deny himself of the truth. But that didn't bother me . At school we were so close that we would hold hands while walking, he would call me "bae" and he would sometimes even sit on me because we were now best friends. I knew all about his love life and he knew all about mine. He finally came out to me as gay and i was so proud of him. Things started getting weird for me because i was starting to like him, not as a friend but i stared having feelings for him. I could'nt tell anyone because everyone knew he was gay and if i told if it would have probably ruined our friendship. So i took the easy way out and started dating someone.Jonathan has also started dating and he seemed happy. 

For some reason, he did not approve of the guy i was dating because he thought that i could do better and i thought the same about him, but i couldn't tell him. Jonathan to me was the perfect guy, he made me laugh, he made me happy and he defended me.I tried doing the same for him to a point that i even started having issues with Michelle because she said that i was defending Jonathan even when he was wrong. Each time he had issues with anyone i would take his side and defend him.Except on one issues. My boyfriend. Jonathan and my boyfriend --Dion, did not get along because my boyfriend claimed that i was spending too much time with Jonathan and holding his hand and being too touchy with him.Jonathan on the other had claimed that my boyfriend was not good enough for me. But i knew the truth, i was dating Dion because Jonathan could never see me the way i saw him.And i did not blame him for that , i wanted him to be happy with who he was and i was not going to ruin our friendship because of my feelings.

Because of the whole issue me and Jonathan started being distant because i was trying to balance Dion and Jonathan.I was not good at it but i did my best until one day i decided to tell Michelle that i liked Jonathan and her response almost made me cry . She said " its pretty obvious that you guys like each other" I had been trying to cover up something yet the whole world already knew.So i told her to tell Jonathan that i liked him but since i had a boyfriend already i didn't like him anymore. I was obviously pretty dumb but Jonathan didn't seem to care. This broke my heart but i couldn't tell anyone and by summer of 10th grade i was ready to do anything to get Jonathan back.

Junior year started off slow but i had one goal, I wanted my friend back so i talked to him and i told him that what i had said was stupid and he agreed to be friends with me. But something had changed. he seemed like he did not care about me anymore .He was more into partying with his new friends .He even started smoking and going to clubs and he would come to school and tell me all about it. Honestly i wasn't interested in his new life so i just sat and listened. I think with time he realized that we were starting to be more different and we both stopped talking to each other. We would walk past each other in the hallway and act like we never knew each others fears. In math class where we sat next to each other, we would be quiet the whole period.

By summer of junior year i was still thinking of how Jonathan had changed my life and how much i still liked him but what broke my heart was when Michelle told me that Jonathan thought that i was the reason that he had messed up his life. She told me that he saw himself as the bigger person and that he wanted to move on with his life. At that moment i knew that i had wasted time on someone thinking that he valued me as a friend.One thing didn't change , i still liked him but he had taught me that in life there will be people who just want to hurt you because that;s the only way they can find peace,

 

Author's Note

sorry that this is so long, but i just needed to get it out of my heart before senior year.My emotions are probably all over the place but i hope someone gets what i'm trying to say