A Walk Through Hell

Satirical version of Dante's Inferno

A Walk Through Hell

Anyone who has had any formal education beyond their freshman year of high school can tell you that Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy is one of the most acclaimed and celebrated poetic allegories of its time.  Because of this allegory, many over the last several hundred years have conceptualized Hell as a place of morbidity, hopelessness, and death.  Even those who have not read the first installment of the Divine Comedy will still tell you that when the word Hell is introduced into conversation it conjures images of voracious demons, Cerberus the three headed dog, and the grandfather symbol of them all, Satan.

            If you remember when you read the novel earlier in your years, you might recall that Dante was lead by a guide named Virgil, the famous Roman poet from the days of old.  Well, I would like to share a great many things with you regarding Dante’s journey.  Some of these may surprise you and some you may have already guessed to be true.  Either way, this is my account of what happened preceding Good Friday those many years ago.

            Let me start by saying that all of what Mr. Alighieri wrote did really happen, to an extent at least.  The most pertinent piece of differing information was the overall layout of the underworld as Dante had described it.  No, there is absolutely no brimstone, volcanoes, or any other fiery implication one could think of.  Yes, there is grass and vegetation in many of the starting circles, but as one moves closer to downtown the amount of vegetation lessens, naturally.  No, Hell does not smell as bad as others describe it, in fact much of it smells quite pleasant.  Yes there are still demons, but no they are nothing like one would see in the movies, and no they are not evil.  In fact, demons are those who, upon completing their rehabilitation, wished to reside in Hell to aid Satan with his work.  Many of them serve as councilors, some are tour guides like myself, and others are small business owners within the city limits; restaurants, pharmacies, clothing distributers, other areas of that nature. 

Essentially, Hell is a thriving suburban and metropolitan community that would rival most worldly cities for economic prosperity and quality of living.  The “circles” are merely areas of residences within the suburbs and the downtown area, each of which have a specific emphasis.  The focus of each communal area is then centered on the needs of the patients that are assigned to each housing district.  For example, the gluttons will have cafeterias and food outlets that only serve balanced and nutritious meals.  Meanwhile the wrathful will live in the area next to the wooded forests and religious temples in the hope they may quell their rage and live a peaceful life.  Nothing is without purpose.

Now, I must tell you that God is the only entity that may give permission for one to move between worlds.  For that reason, the good Lord and I both felt that the best way to remove Dante from his current funk was to show him both the best and worst the afterlife had to offer.

Over the thousand plus years I’ve spent giving tours through the three “after worlds” as we call them in heaven, and I have never lead a man that was as nervous and cowardly as Dante.  If you don’t believe me ask yourself, would anything possess you to faint if you had to cross a small river in a large dingy?

            Before we continue with our story, I have a small confession to make, seeing as this has become possibly the largest and most accepted misconception the world has seen. Usually when taking newbies through the gates, I try and scare them a tad; have a laugh at their expense as it were.  I actually got up the nerve to tell him that the Latin printed on the gate seal read, “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here”.  His face was priceless; what was actually written was “Welcome to Hell, Health and Rehab”. Initially I was impressed with my joke, but after the allegory started receiving so much attention and commoners thought that’s what the gate actually read, my demon friends who carved the inscription were upset that their good natured gesture had gone to waste.

            After he had endured the gate and fainted on the ferry ride, the first stop on our tour was limbo.  It is written that this is where desperate souls cry out in torment and suffering.  Yes, Dante was right that the people in this outer circle were yelling, but as you can imagine, he couldn’t begin to understand many of the languages that were being spoken.  After all, Italy is in comparison, a very small part of the world.

Anyhow, most of these folks in limbo are simply calling for their loved ones who have already checked out and made it up to purgatory or heaven.  Dante might tell you that it was because they failed to swear an allegiance to a deity or higher being.  In the after worlds all of us believe in the freedom of choice, as long as that choice is amicable and educated.  Satan himself will have his non-discriminatory talks with those who he feels will benefit from them.  His agenda focuses a lot on the abolition of closed-mindedness.

Following our completion of the first circle, we both followed the road to the second circle where Minos, the Minotaur, oversees the happenings within the community.  I asked Minos if he could please show Dante how his tail worked.  He was happy to oblige.

 “Originally,” started Minos, “My tail was thicker and worked to slay my earthly enemies.  After Daedalus and his son Icarus bested me with their weapons, they left me badly wounded, ultimately plaguing my body with an iron deficiency.  Upon having lost the ability to guard the labyrinth, God appeared to me and offered me a job as a communal manager here. Many people think that the only function of this little beauty is to show them what circle they belong to.  However, most don’t realize that I use my tail to sense character defects that need to be improved here.”

            Dante grew curious hearing the Minotaur’s story, “What do you mean that you can sense character defects?”

            “Well, before I was given my job, the Good Lord gave my tail a certain clairvoyance if you will.  Essentially, it allows me to see what issues an individual needs to resolve from their earthly life before entry into purgatory, and eventually heaven. I’ve never misjudged anyone who has come through here.”

            As the short Q&A between the two of them started to take off I could see that Mr. Alighieri’s tension was slowly starting to loosen.  We had been traveling for an hour by this point so it was about damn time.  Minos always does well with making others feel welcome.

            “So then, “Dante asked me when finishing his previous conversation, “What lies in this second circle?”

            “The second circle is mainly where we send the couples who come here in the hopes that they may both recover together.  For example, we have Paolo and Francesca over there speaking with their therapist and mental wellness instructor.  Paolo is working out some anger issues while Francesca is attempting to resolve some of the problems she still has with her father and former husband.  And over there is Helen of Troy.  She’s due to check out soon; Paris was here the last time I came through but I suppose he completed the rehabilitation process already and is waiting for her.”  I gave him a few more seconds to devour the information and give one last look around the circle.  “Come now, we must press on.  There is still much to see.”

            For whatever reason, before we could even start leaving for the next level, the b*****d fainted on me again.  Having to drag a one hundred and fifty pound man down the side of relatively steep hill is no easy task let me tell you.  Especially when it’s the upper level’s rainy season.  Regardless, things like this do happen from time to time, and it’s in my job description to make sure that any visitors will be taken care of properly.

Once reaching the third circle, I threw him off of my back and onto the ground so that he would wake up and see that we were among the Gluttons.

“Where are we?  What circle are we in now?”

He wasn’t one to catch on very quickly.

“Feast your eyes on those who have done perhaps a bit too much feasting during their earthly time.  Ultimately, Satan figured that the best way to rehabilitate the gluttonous was to put them on a strict diet and workout regimen until they are able to successfully stay healthy and well on their own.”

The rest of our tour following the third circle was painless.  Plutus and I were able to catch up with each other in the fourth circle while Dante fiddled around talking with some of those who had financial troubles back in their earthly life.  Normally I wouldn’t think that squandering or hoarding one’s own money would be a sin, but nonetheless, the boss upstairs likes every angel to have a good grasp on the concept of financial management.  Avarice doesn’t sit well with Him.

After a few more hours of walking, talking, and explaining to Mr. Alighieri the inner workings of the underworld, we came to the large drop off where the waterfall cascades into the eighth circle.  To my delight, I was pleased to find that Geryon hadn’t fallen asleep yet and was able to give us a lift so we wouldn’t have to take the wooden barrel.  I’ve had to do that twice already.  Let me spare you the suspense, it’s not nearly as much fun as you think it would be.

Surprisingly, neither Dante nor I were stopped or questioned for any reason in most of the Bolgias.  The most difficult to get through is always the first, especially when I have male clients.  Normally I would tell Satan that he should keep a tighter watch on the Seducers so that the tours would go more smoothly, but I have to secretly admit that I always enjoy a little temptation.  Regardless, I knew the schedule that I had to keep.  To our benefit we made up time on the last nine Bolgias.  Finally it was time for my favorite part of the tour; the final circle.

Normally, people are taken aback when I mention that I most enjoy the last circle.  Something that most don’t realize is that the icy lake Dante described in his original account is actually a preserved park, filled with vegetation and natural wildlife.  If you take any of the paths into the park, eventually they all lead to Satan’s domain in the very center of the park.  Oddly enough, it’s a very modest house with blue shudders and a red door, complete with a wraparound porch.  No address, just the letters 666 on the front door.

In addition to the beauty of the park, I also very much enjoy this part of the trip because I love to see people’s reaction to seeing Satan for the first time.  Usually everyone has the preconception that he is a giant, voracious, crimson colored monster with black wings, jagged teeth, and an insatiable appetite for evil.  The only part that people ever get right is the skin color.  Otherwise, he just looks like the everyday common man with a black robe and a receding hairline. 

The front door opened upon our arrival as it usually does; Satan’s timing is impeccable.  As he exited the house and strolled down the path from his porch to the black, wrought iron gate where we were standing, I turned to see Dante’s reaction; dumbfounded and thunderstruck are two words that may begin to do the image justice.

“Hello.  And welcome my dear boy.”  Satan gestured to Dante in a welcoming tone.  His voice was as profoundly deep as I remembered it to be the last time I passed through his circle.  “Virgil, thank you for venturing down this far on such short notice.  I know that most others have the week off.”

“Not a problem sir.  Happy to do it.”

“I’ll make sure you receive a few bonus days vacation after the New Year.”  He gave me a quick smile before turning once again to Dante, still standing speechless with his jaw half way down to his stomach.

“Are you afraid of me Mr. Alighieri?”

I assumed he was still fighting the dense knot that had formed in his stomach, as I had tried to do during my first meeting with Satan.  “Y-yes,” he cleared his throat before adding an adamant, “Sir.”

“Ha, please,” Satan laughed, amused by the fear still in Dante’s eyes, “Do not be frightened.  Come, I wish to take a walk with you.”

“What are you going to do to me?”  Dante asked, his voice was weak and trembling still.

“I am going to challenge your sight.”

It was obvious that Dante had no idea what Satan meant by this, but as the robed man with red skin started to walk down a dirt path, we both followed suit.

After moments of silence, the first of us to speak was Dante, “Sir, why exactly am I here?”

“Well now, that seems to be a loaded question doesn’t it?”  Satan gave a pause.  “Perhaps the obvious response would be that you were lost in the wilderness and in need of help, but that isn’t the answer that you’re looking for.  No, what I think you wish to know even more so, is how this place is so different than what you expected.  I am correct in assuming that is it, yes?”

“Honestly Sir,” Satan cut Dante off.

“Please, let us not be so formal with one another.  Call me Lucifer if you would like.  Satan works too, just so long as it’s none of that “Prince of Darkness” or “Devil” junk.  Only those who have not met me or do not know me will distort my name in such ways.  I urge you not to do so.”

“Okay then,” Dante cleared his throat once more, “Satan.  Why is this all so different from what I had imagined?”

Satan gave him a grin that I recognized.  It was the same grin that was given to me when I asked the same question more than a thousand years before.

“Let me ask you, is this what you had imagined?”

The question festered in the pit of Dante’s stomach.  “When I was younger growing up in Florence, the church is what was accepted.  The practices of Catholicism and the passages of the bible, I still read and study them passionately.  There is so much within Catholic teaching that condemns this place, and subsequently condemns you.  How can this all be seen in any other way when the Gospel of Matthew clearly states, ‘Angels will come and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth’?  And what’s more, there are many other references to Hell’s perilous appearance in biblical text.”

“Ah yes, there are many references of Hell’s suspected morbidity and violence.  The book of Revelations provides perhaps and even nastier account of the suspected goings on of this world.  Fire, brimstone, torment, stench, darkness.  It’s all there, as I’m sure you’ve read at one point or another.”

“Exactly.  Does that mean that the authors of the bible failed to speak truthfully?”

“Not at all.  To them, this place very well may look like that of which they wrote.  And I’m sure that if they were for any reason condemned to Hell, their previous conception of the underworld would be what greets them when they arrive.  Do you understand?”

“Yes, but that leaves me with another question.  If my previous conception of Hell was like that of biblical texts, then why do I not see this place in such a way?”

“This is Virgil’s Hell my good boy.  It is possible that yours may be very different, but that is a choice that you are going to have to make for yourself.  Ultimately, it is all in what we choose to see, and in what we choose to believe.”

With that, we arrived back in front of the gate of Satan’s house.  Gently placing his hand on Dante’s shoulder, he smiled with white teeth as he took Dante’s hand as said his goodbyes, “If it is written that our paths cross again, I wish that it may not be in this world.  You’re a good man.  And a faithful one.  The gates of heaven await your arrival, though I hope that you will see many more sunrises and sunsets before you meet the Good Lord.  Until then, may His light shine upon you and give you peace.”

Nothing else needed be said.  So finally, after a grueling three-day trek with one of the most absent minded albeit most genius men I have had the pleasure to meet, the two of us climbed out into the beautiful morning light on Easter Sunday.  And just in time too; I had an important brunch date with Ovid, Horace, and our wives.  We all made a pact a while back that if anyone had to work on holy week the poor soul who did would be treated to the tall stack at IHOP.  “International” does not only apply to the earthly world.