The Slaughterer

This is my first story.

The Slaughterer

 

“Did you hear something?” John whispered.

“Come on John, you’re too old to be afraid.” teased Seth.

The weird noise from the tall grass behind them is getting louder.

“Its dark Seth cant we go tomorrow?” John said. “Haven’t you heard the rumors?”

The two jumped in fright when suddenly, a figure leaped from the tall grass. Both of them didn’t move. They just stared. The figure stared back with glowing eyes. As the moonlight caught the creature, they realized that this creature is just a deer.

“See, it’s just a deer,” Seth said. “Don’t be scared, those rumors aren’t true.”

 

They continued their walk inside the dark and diverse forest taking pictures of nocturnal animals in captivity. It’s their job to take pictures of animals for research. They also take notes of their behavior. The town near here tells stories about this forest. The townspeople say that when you enter this forest, there’s no guarantee that you will make it out alive. Some residents claim that they’ve lost a love-one and they’re blaming the forest. In spite of the warnings, Seth persisted. He took his best friend john to come along with him.

“Seth look here.” invited John.

They are several meters apart so they have to shout to each other.

“What is it?” shouted Seth while examining a rare species of owl.

“It’s a tarsier.” said John. “I think there are plenty of them here.”

John waited for an answer. He paused for a moment but Seth didn’t reply. He just heard squeaking sounds.

“Seth, are you there?” screamed John.

Once again, he didn’t get a reply.

“Stop it Seth you’re making me nervous.”

 

Suddenly, a man covered John’s nose and mouth. He struggled for air and tried to pull out the hand which is clasped tightly on his face. He gasped but caught no oxygen. At last he fainted.

John and Seth woke up inside a small room roped at two separate poles. They tried twisting their bodies to escape. They screamed for help but got no answer.

“I should have listened to those people,” Seth began. “it’s not safe to wander around the forest.”

“Don’t blame yourself Seth.” John said. “It’s not your fault.”

“I think we’re abducted by someone.” Seth said.

 

They heard footsteps coming from the door. The door clicked and swung open. A fat old man walked inside. The man has an axe used for cutting wood.

With no hesitation, the man swung his axe chopping John’s left arm off. He screamed in pain and agony as he watched his own arm fall on the floor. Fountains of blood squirted out of his shoulders. As he is catching his breath, the man slammed his axe again and this time, it chopped John’s right arm off.

 

Seth just can’t believe what’s happening right in front of his eyes. The brutality of the scenario is unimaginable. The old man turned to Seth and said: “Next!”

Author's Note

Please teach me some techniques. I want to grow even better.

Reviews

[Lou]

You have a bit of tense confusion going on in this story. For example: "They continued their walk inside the dark and diverse forest taking pictures of nocturnal animals in captivity. It’s their job to take pictures of animals for research." The first sentence is in past tense, and the second is in present tense. You want to make sure your whole story is in the same tense.

Also, I think you should describe more. Rather than saying Seth was examining a rare species of owl, you could tell us what the owl looks like. Also, describing the setting would be nice and could help you create a mood for the piece. More description of the slaughterer too. He's a fat old man, but what else? Is he grizzly and unshaven? Is he sweaty? Is he tall or short? Things like that.

I like this story, I think it has real potential to flourish into a great short horror story.

[nono]

This is interesting and very confusing. But that's a good thing. Because as the reader you want to have to figure something out. So this is very good I love the description. Just always go back and check for grammer. As a writer you always want to do that, but all in all this is a nicely done.

[K.A. Paras]

Thank you for the reviews. I will make a new story. I will keep in mind all your teachings. thanks..

[Domenic Luciani]

I noticed the tense confusion as well.
Something I found lacking was suspense. You have scenes where things meant to shock the reader are implanted, but they just happen. "The two jumped in fright when suddenly, a figure leaped from the tall grass. Both of them didn’t move. They just stared. The figure stared back with glowing eyes. As the moonlight caught the creature, they realized that this creature is just a deer." This is a scene where you have plenty of opportunity for suspense, but there's nothing holding the reader back, nothing forcing the reader to gulp and look around nervously.

Your characters need depth as well. It's a pretty short piece, but that means that it would be all the more impressive if you made the reader care about the characters. as it is, you could switch the names and personalities of the characters and everything would be unchanged. Also, their background information should be relatable to the overall story. I would also suggest you explain the character's feelings on the situation. You tell it through dialogue, but that's just it, you tell it. Something doesn’t become frightening because a character says "it's frightening." something becomes frightening when you describe why it's frightening. Personal style comes into that.

Logic also plays a role. An axe used for splitting wood will not cleanly slice through someone’s' arm. A fat old man can't sneak up on anyone, especially if that person is not alone. it takes much longer than a few seconds for someone to pass out from a hand held over their mouth (I could understand one clamped over their throat much better). If disappearances are occurring, wouldn’t that spark interest in the authorities? Also, wildlife that could be found in one forest can most often be found somewhere else, perhaps a forest that isn’t notorious for disappearances?

As for grammar, most people figure this out sooner or later, but dialogue followed by he/she said is followed by a , not a . so it would be "“It’s a tarsier(,)” said John." look at any book and you'll see this is true. a lot of spots you have grammar that technically isn't correct, but it's bland and otherwise uncreative. "They heard footsteps coming from the door. The door clicked and swung open. A fat old man walked inside. The man has an axe used for cutting wood." Read this a few times to yourself. things happen like bam. bam. bam. there's no flow, they're just singular statements. you could make them into bullets and it would sound the same.

Now for encouragement. I can already see that your writing has potential. You’re just a beginner and you need time to grow. Thankfully, this site will get you there. So keep writing. Learn, enjoy, and grow.