Remembering the Reasons

Truthfully, I think I loved you before I met you. I think I loved you before I knew your name and before I saw you for the first time. I think I loved you before I knew what love was; years before I could understand it.

All those times I was left alone. All those times  I had been hurt and bruised mentally, emotionally, and physically.  Every second I spent with any other person, I felt wrong for it. I felt like I was wrong for it.

I never really understood why I felt so “guilty” for dating. I felt so “guilty” for telling guys that I loved them even when I thought I really did. I felt so guilty for touching other people, even just a hand. Although, I never really understood why I felt that way.

I think I understand it now.

It was because of you.

I always knew somewhere in the world there was someone who wanted to be loved like I did… in the same ways I did. And I would search for this person even if I didn’t realize i was searching for them. 

Every past relationship was not a mistake for me because without knowing them as what I didn’t want in my life, I would’ve never figured out exactly what I do want.

I loved you before I knew you.

I hoped for you before I met you.

Being hurt changed me from who I used to be. I used to believe that the world and the people in it were the most amazing things.. And then the world and the people in it betrayed me and hurt me and I lost all faith that there would ever be anything better. I lost faith that I could ever feel anything other than anger and sadness and pain. And I hated everything and everyone..

& then I stopped hoping for you.

Because I thought I’d never meet a genuinely good person ..

But then, I met you. And my perspective completely changed… I always thought I was better off by myself (like you did) 

and I didn’t even realize I was happier with you than I ever was when I was alone.

I had been breaking myself down for what seemed like forever , so much that I forgot what it felt like to be lifted and built up again. And because of you, I know what that feels like and it’s wonderful.

I understand that you’ve also been hurt in your own worst ways.

I understand that you have underlying sadness, anger, and pain.

I understand sometimes you don’t like to talk about the things that run through your mind.

I understand that sometimes you’re gonna say a lot of hurtful things you don’t mean. And I will forgive you when you calm down.

I understand you’re going to be confused when someone like me shows you a different kind of love that you haven’t been shown before.

& I understand it’s going to take time for you to heal.

But i need you to understand that:

I have been hurt, too.

I have underlying issues, sadness, and pain.

Sometimes I can’t explain the things i’m feeling or I can’t bring myself to say what I want to say to you for fear of rejection or anger from you.

Sometimes I’m going to take the words you don’t mean to say .. sometimes i’m going to take those to heart and get really really sad and just want to be held.

Understand that no matter how confused or overwhelmed or frustrated you get because you don’t understand why I still try to be with you after you hurt me or tell me to leave, I’m going to be there to tell you it’s because I love you. It’s always bc I love you.

And please, understand I am not here to watch you attempt to heal yourself.. 

I’m here so we can do it together.

Just remind yourself, for me, that when I tell you that “I love you.” it’s bigger than those words. It’s so much more than those words. 

You are broken. and  I am broken.

So maybe, if you think about it, maybe what’s left of me could make you whole again..

Reviews

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

quote: So maybe, if you think about it, maybe what’s left of me could make you whole again..

That in itself is truly true and beautiful.
thankyou for this long piece (story) of sorts, thankyou so much for entry into my competition. I really enjoyed it.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

not so much poetry, but prose...and so heartbreaking and yet hopeful as it goes along. We can self-deprecate for so long that we just find ourselves not worth a damn. But then someone comes along who really appreciates us and what we give to that person...and we start rebuilding the self-esteem.
Like hearts can find love...I really like the beginning...Shows the speaker just knows...someone is out there for her...to love before meeting...to love that someone who will come along and then does.
nicely written.
j.

[Nikolean]

This is beautiful. Complicated, broken and beautiful. I really liked how you conveyed emotion in this piece and it's honestly something I can say will do well in a poetry slam. It's definitely well-thought out and the feelings genuine, not something that can easily be made up or spoken shallowly. I like how the narrator explains themself and then continues to state understanding of the other.

At first, when I started to read this poem, I was a little turned off just because I assumed it to be cheesy and a little skimming over the edge-- and well it was a little long. But I'm glad I continued to read it because I was able to explore the mind of the narrator. You are a truly gifted artist and I loved nearly every moment in this piece, especially because I could relate to it personally. I feel how this narrator feels and I feel as if someone I didn't know captured a part of me I myself struggle to understand or am hesitant to speak of aloud.

Your structure is very well created and is something that is very desirable to read. Your parts are kind of like sectioned off and makes it a little easier on the eyes than a large paragraph and allows emphasis for certain points.

A small critique, is to maybe watch so that you don't use shortened "text-type" like "bc" in a piece like this. The moment took a little bit away from the piece.

In terms of my contest, it is definitely a fitting piece. However, it takes more of a form of prose and is more suited to spoken-word poetry (which also makes it a little long, which in this case isn't a bad thng because you had me hooked) so I'm not exactly sure if the piece structure is what I'm looking for. However, it moved me, and I really cannot overlook your skill to understanding and to capture those lingering and often hidden emotions.

Thank you for submitting this, it was lovely to read.