Two Men In A LiftA Story by Alistair Canlin This is written in Glaswegian, transalations are available on request
TWO MEN IN A LIFT
“Hud the lift!” The bags Willie carried clanked as he ran.
Eric put his hand out to stop the door from closing.
“Ta much.” Willie puffed.
“Nae problem.” Eric eyed Willie’s bags “Planin’ a party?”
“Aye, it’s at ma mate’s.”
“Aye.”
The doors slid shut.
“Which flaer y’ wantin’?” Eric asked.
“Twelve.”
“Right y’ are. Ah’m goan tae the sixteenth ma self.”
“Oh aye.” Willie stared at the display.
“Aye, ma wife’s cookin’ us a special dinner.”
“Aye?” Willie mind was on the party.
“She’s a grand cook ma wife, y’ should taste her spag bol, no’ that she’s cookin’ spag bol the night y’ understand. Naw tonight’s a special night, lamb casserole Ah think she said, or wis it a curry?”
“Sounds nice.”
“Oh aye it’ll be nice. Y’re welcome tae come if y’ want.”
“Party an’ aw tha’, y’know.” Willie raised his bags in explanation.
“Oh aye party. Right enuff.”
The two stood in silence watching the display.
“C’moan.” Willie muttered.
“They always take longer when y’ watch the lights.”
“Seems so.” Willie tapped his foot.
“Its no’ gonnie make it go any faster.”
“Eh?”
“Daen that wi’ yir foot, its no’ gonnie make the lift go any faster.”
“Mibbee naw. It makes me feel better, but.” Willie continued to tap his foot.
“Gonnie quit it!”
“Or whit?”
The lift shuddered to a halt and plunged into darkness.
“Aaw naw!” They both cried.
“Whit did y’ dae?” Eric shouted.
“Ah didnie dae nuthin’.”
“Y’ must’ve touched summit.”
“Ah telt y’ Ah didnie dae nuthin’, hud yir wheesht it’ll get goan soon.”
“It’d better, ma wife’s cookin’ us a meal.”
“Aye so y’ said.”
The lights came back on.
“See telt y’.”
The lift still wasn’t moving.
“Wir no movin’.” Eric moaned.
“Ah kind of noticed.”
“How come wir no movin’?”
“How the hell should Ah know? Whit dae Ah look like, Einstein?”
Eric pushed himself back against the lift wall.
“Look, Ah’m sorry, awright? Ah didnie mean tae loose ma temper, its jist this party y’know, Ah don’t wantae miss any of it.”
“Ah know whit y’ mean. Ah’m the same wi’ ma wife’s cookin’.”
“Look will y’ shut up aboot yir wife’s cookin’!”
“Ah wis only sayin’.”
“Aye well don’t.”
“Thir’s no need tae bite ma heed aff.” Eric sulked.
“Ah’m sorry, its jist that Ah don’t like small spaces.”
“Thir’s a word fir that ain’t thir?”
“Aye bloody mad.”
“Naw, begins wi’ a C.”
“Kleptomaniac?”
“Naw, that’s somewan who steals stuff.”
“Christ Ah know a few of them.”
“Claustrophobic.”
“Eh?”
“Y’re claustrophobic.” Eric declared.
“Whit’s that when it’s at hame?”
“The fear of confined spaces. Ah used tae know a guy suffered fae it, but he cured himself.”
“Oh aye, how’d he dae tha’?”
“Threw himself aff the top of a block of flats.”
“Christ! Bit extreme is it no’?”
“Aye well Ronnie wisnie exactly the sharpest tool in the box, if y’ know whit Ah mean.”
“Ah wish they’d get a shift oan.”
“Huv y’ pressed the emergency bell?”
“Naw, d’y think Ah should?”
“Well they willnie know wir stuck unless y’ press it.”
“S’pose y’re right.” Willie pressed the button. Nothing seemed to happen.
“Vandals probably bust it.”
“Y’ mean nubdy’ll know wir stuck?”
“Could be days before they find us.”
“Sod that.” Willie started beating the lift door “HELP! HELP! Wir stuck in the lift!”
Nothing happened.
“Feel better?”
“Least Ah’m daen summit.”
“Thir’s daen summit and then thir’s daen summit.”
“Whit exactly does that mean?”
“Well Ah could be like you an’ screamin’ ma lungs out, using up aw the air, but then again Ah could jist sit back, conserve ma energy an’ wait fir somewan tae come an’ get us.”
“Whit dae y’ mean usin’ up the air?”
“Well its jist a small space an’ thir’s two of us, the maths isnie that hard.”
“Aaw ta much fir makin’ us feel better.”
“Ah wis only sayin’.”
“That’s aw y’ ever seem tae dae.”
“C’moan mate, we could be here fir a long time, dae y’ no’ think y’ could at least try an’ make the effort tae get along?”
“S’pose.” Willie absently tapped the buttons, but nothing happened.
“Shall we start at the beginin’?”
“Eh?”
“Ma name’s Eric.” He held out his hand.
“Willie.” He shook Eric’s hand.
“So this party?”
“Aye?”
“Who’s it fir?”
“Ma mate Bill, he’s emigratin’ tae Oz in a few weeks.”
“So y’re givin’ him a big send off?”
“Aye sort of.” Willie rummaged about in his bag and pulled out a couple of cans “Want wan?”
“Aye, why no’.”
Willie threw Eric a can and they cracked them open.
“Might as well make the maest of it, eh?”
“Here’s tae y’.”
“Cheers.”
They took satisfying slugs from their cans.
“That hit the spot.” Willie gasped.
“Better chilled though.”
“Y’ reckon?”
“Oh aye, see the best pint Ah ever hud?” Eric wiped froth away from his mouth “Dublin.”
“Dublin?”
“Aye, me an’ some pals went tae Dublin, best pint o’ Guinness Ah’ve ever hud. Sheer heaven.”
“Euch. Ah cannie drink Guinness. Give’s us the s***s.”
“Y’ don’t know whit y’re missin’ mate.”
“Aye Ah dae, a night drivin’ the big porcelain bus.”
“Eh?”
“Bein’ sick doon the pan.”
“Oh God, dae y’ huv tae?”
The lift suddenly jerked and dropped suddenly.
“Aaw God!” Willie grabbed the sides of the lift.
“S’awright mate. It’s jist the slack bein’ taken up by the cables.”
“Y’ sure?”
“Ah dunno, Ah don’t know anyhin’ about lifts, but it sounded good eh?”
“Y’ daft bugger.” Willie laughed in spite of himself.
“See it worked.”
Willie slid to the floor.
“Christ. Ah nearly shat maself.”
“Ah thought thir wis a funny smell.”
“Ah’m no’ kiddin.” Willie wiped the sweat from his forehead “Ma nerves are red raw.”
“How long y’ been claustrophobic?”
“Dunno. S’pose since Ah wis a kid.”
“How come?”
“As kids we used tae play oan this rubbish tip. Me an’ ma pal used tae dare each other tae see how long we could stay inside these fridges. Wan of us wid climb inside, the other wid sit oan the lid countin’. The record wis thirty seconds or summit. So this one time Ah climbed inside an’ ma pal closed the lid, it wis so dark Ah couldnie even see ma hands. Ah wis determined tae beat the record. Anyway, Ah’d no idea how long Ah’d been inside, but Ah wanted out bad. Ah kicked, Ah screamed, Ah battered the lid wi’ ma fists until Ah could feel the blood runnin’ doon ma arms, but still the lid widnie open. Turns out ma mate, hud put a pile of bricks oan the lid an’ buggered off. If it hudnie been fir an old man walkin’ his dug Ah’d still be in there the day.”
“Christ awmighty! That must’ve been bloody terrifyin’.”
Willie sniffed.
“So whit happened tae yir mate?”
“Oh he married ma sister.”
“Aah forgiveness is a wonderful thing.”
“Ah never said Ah’d forgiven him, he jist married ma sister. Ah huvnie spoken tae him fir over twenty years.”
Eric took another swig from his can.
Willie stood up and started pacing.
“Y’ll wear a hole in the flaer daen that.”
“Eh?”
“Aw that pacing.”
“It helps me think.”
“Whit dae y’ wantae think fir?”
“Duh! How tae get out man. Jesus Eric, anywan wid think y’ wanted tae stay in here.”
“Aye well.” Eric hung his head.
“But Eric, yir wife’s cookin’, y’ said y’ loved hur cookin’.”
“Ah dae, but.”
“C’moan Eric. Its no’ as if wir goan anywhere.”
“Its ma son, John.”
“Y’ no get oan?”
“Naw, we get oan fine.”
“Then whit’s the problem?”
“He’s goat leukaemia.”
“Christ. Ah’m sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“So how long y’ known?”
“‘Bout four months. Kept complainin’ he was feelin’ tired aw the time. We thought he wis kiddin’ us oan, tryin’ tae get out of school. We never did anyhin’, then the school called. He’d collapsed. Y’ should huv seen him, tubes and wires stickin’ everywhere. Aw these machines. Looked terrible. Doctors telt us whit wis whit, but Ah couldnie take it in. He wis ma boy. The wife says it’s aw ma fault, should’ve listened tae him, then mibbee we could’ve done summit. Doctors telt us it widnie huv mattered, but Ah think they wir only tryin’ tae make us feel better.”
“Is there anyhin’ they kin dae fir him?”
“Needs a transplant, neither the wife or me are a match. Rare blood. Caused by ma side of the family.” Eric sniffed “Anur thing the wife blames us fir.”
“Y cannie blame yirself fir that, Ah mean thir’s bound tae be sumbody sumwhere.”
“Aye that’s whit the doctors telt us. He’s oan a waitin’ list an’ aw that.”
“Christ man, an’ Ah thought Ah hud problems.”
“Kinda puts things in perspective.”
“Ah dunno whit Ah’d dae if summit like that happened tae me.”
“Y’ jist grin an’ bear it, carry oan as normal y’know.” Eric shrugged.
“Y’re a saint Eric. Y’ know that, a bloody saint.”
“Tell that tae ma wife.” Eric laughed.
“Y’ deserve anur drink.” Willie reached into his bag and tossed Eric a can.
“Ta.”
“Think nuthin’ of it.”
They both sat sipping slowly from their cans; lost in their own thoughts.
“Did y’ hear summit?” Willie stopped mid drink.
“No, whit?”
Nothing.
Then they heard it. A muffled sound. Could have been voices.
“Thir’s sumbody there!” Willie cried “HELLO! HELLO! Wir in here!”
There was another sound.
“See Ah telt y’.” Willie grinned at Eric.
“Y’re right.” Eric started banging the walls “HELLO! HELLO!”
There were definitely voices.
“Hello?” A voice shouted.
“HELLO!” Willie and Eric both shouted together.
“Are y’ awright?”
“Aye wir fine. Jist get us out of here.”
“The firebrigade are oan thir way.”
“Aye that’ll be us on our way.” Eric grinned from ear to ear.
“So whit y’ daen in there?” The voice asked.
“Havin’ a game of fitba, whit dae y’ think wir daen?”
“How long y’ been in there?”
“Christ knows, whit time is it?” Eric shouted at the door.
“Ah dunno Ah huvnie goat a watch.”
“S**t, Ah bet Ah’ve missed the party.” Willie kicked an empty can, which rattled and banged about the lift.
“Whit wis tha’?” The voice panicked.
“Nuhin’.”
“Hang oan mate, here’s the firemen.”
Willie and Eric could hear noises behind the door.
“Hello.” Another voice shouted through the door “Ah’m a fireman, we’ll huv y’ out in no time.”
“‘Bout time.”
“How many of you are there?”
“Jist the two.”
“Is anywan injured?”
“Naw, wir fine.”
“We’ll huv y’ out in no time, jist stand away fae the door.”
“Stand away fae the door? Whit does he mean stand away fae the door?” Willie demanded.
Eric shrugged, but suddenly his question was answered. The door shuddered with an almighty bang. Willie and Eric were nearly knocked from their feet.
“Whoa, wait a minute.” Willie staggered to regain his footing “Whit the hell wis tha’?”
“Sorry gentlemen.” The fireman shouted “We dropped the machine. Ah apologise if it caused any problems.”
“Problems he says, Ah nearly shat maself.” Willie seemed to be getting more and more agitated, even though his rescue appeared close at hand.
“Its awright Willie, we’ll soon be out.” Eric tried to calm him, as the lift door creaked open.
“Its open! The door’s open!” Willie cried, but that was the least of his worries. They could see they were stuck between floors. As the doors inched open they could see only a small portion of the floor at the top of the lift.
“Awright?” The fireman’s face appeared at the gap above them.
“Been better.”
“Look, Ah’m afraid this is the best we kin dae. We cannie budge the lift. The engineer went on holiday yesterday.”
“Typical.” Willie grumbled “Ah knew it’d be too easy fir them tae jist open the door and us walk straight out.”
“It’s awright, we’ll think of summit.” The fireman tried to reassure them.
“Whit time is it?” Eric asked the fireman.
“Ten tae two in the mornin’.” The fireman looked puzzled.
“Yir party’s probably finished.”
“Aye probably.” Willie sat back down on the floor.
“Look, how ‘bout Ah give y’ a punty up?”
“Eh?”
“That gap. Y’ reckon y’ kin squeeze through it?”
Willie shrugged.
“Well come ‘ere then, Ah’ll gie y’ a punty up an’ y’ kin climb through.”
“But whit about you?”
“Y’ kin pull us through aftir y’.”
“Awright then.”
Willie pulled himself to his feet and Eric got into position. His back braced against the wall, knees bent and his hands cupped in front of him. Willie came forward and placed his foot in Eric’s hands. He launched himself towards the gap. Eric puffed and panted, his face turned red with the strain.
Willie reached for the gap; the fireman grabbed hold of him and heaved him out.
“Freedom!” Willie shouted at the top of his voice and was slapped on the back and loudly greeted by all the firemen. A round of applause startled Willie, for the first time he noticed a crowd had gathered round the lift. He bowed theatrically as they gave him another round of applause.
“Huw! Whit about me?” Eric shouted.
Willie had forgotten all about him. He quickly moved back to the lift and stuck his head back inside the gap.
“Hud oan tae ma honds.”
“Are y’ sure Ah’ll fit?”
“Aye nae probs.”
Eric reached up and grabbed Willie’s arms. The fireman also leaned in and grabbed Eric.
“Christ y’ weigh a ton.”
“Ah’ll go oan a diet when Ah’m out.”
They pulled Eric up, his head and arms were out, but his stomach was stuck.
“Breath in.”
“Ah am breathin’ in.”
The fireman and Willie groaned and strained, but still Eric wouldn’t budge.
“Its no use mate.” The fireman grunted.
“No bloody fear.” Panic filled Eric’s face as he started kicking and wriggling, slowly working himself free.
“That’s it wir nearly there.”
Eric wriggled some more and suddenly he broke free, sending all three of them sprawling. Willie could have sworn he heard a pop as Eric came loose.
The crowd applauded again. Eric and Willie were slapped on the back like heroes. The firemen gathered up their kit, another call, something about a cat and a tree. The crowd, realising there was nothing more to see broke up, leaving Eric and Willie on their own.
“Y’ never did tell us why yir wife wis cookin’ y’ a special meal.”
“A celebration.”
“Oh aye, good news Ah hope?”
“She thought so.”
“An’ you didnie?”
“Our divorce came through this mornin’, thirty years doon the pan jist like tha’.” Tears welled up in Eric’s eyes.
“Ah know whit’ll cheer y’ up.”
“Oh aye?”
“Fancy a bag of chips, thir’s a late night chippie open roon’ the corner.”
“Aye why no’.” Eric smiled.
“Aye.” Willie grinned “We kin celebrate our freedom.”
© 2008 Alistair CanlinReviews
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Alistair CanlinGlasgow, United KingdomAboutIt was raining the day it happened, the day everything changed, the day the world changed forever, the day I was born. A monumental moment you may say, well if you believe my Mum I was born asleep, s.. more..Writing
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