A Flair for the Dramatic

I had a lot of fun describing the Indian here, he's rather cartoonish I think. That kind of makes the lightnings overstatement a little more effective from what I can tell.

 You're sitting on a bench waiting for a bus in New York City and it's raining.  The street light on overhead gives everything a whitewashed tint like light trying too hard to be sunlight.  The rain bends with the wind taking the light with it in brilliant cascades as it slaps the pavement clumsily.  It's dark everywhere else in the city, all the street lights on this block are out except the one you're sitting under.  You're sitting on a bench and its dark.  And there's this Indian.  He's just...standing there.  Almost naked.  Just to the side of your peripheral line of sight, his buttcheek sitting there just looking at you.  You keep almost seeing it when he moves and furrow your brow and mouth "oh come on".  You have 10,000 questions in your head:  Why is this indian here?  Why is he in full war garb?  Why can't he put on some pants?  Is he cold?... And he's just staring off into space.  A small box chested man with twiggy arms and legs but he's standing there majestically like a man with a purpose, arms folded jaw jutting in defense, a domed forehead buttressed by a monstorous brow almost crushing his small eyes.   You cough.  The wind blows.  A car drives by sprinkling you with a fine mist.  And one of those questions burns up inside of you.  You can't take it anymore, this indian is driving you crazy and you need to know.   So eventually you build up the courage and say "excuse me," "do you know how to get to the closest Jiffy Lube from here?"  The indian looks back, eyebrows raised-"take the bus 12 blocks, take a left and walk two more,"  tribal drums and thunder claps begin to sound in the distance just as he falls silent.  He then continues staring at the puddles as the drums fall silent, his loin cloth blowing in the wind.
 

Author's Note

Thanks for the suggestions Scott. Reviews are still welcome.

Reviews

[Scott Free]

Quite good--I can see how ideas come to you quickly and you just write them down. That is the best way of writing.
Perhaps something more than lightning...drums in the distance, too? Perhaps he does a dance first and then gives his answer?
Very nice, liked it.

~S