Where the Birds have Tourettes

Written whilst on holiday in the Maldives :)

 

 

Paddling out across 

turquoise Turkish delight lagoon

trailed by frothy white wash

to peer over the edge of the world

where the dark water spills down the earth’s curve

 

White shape shifting phantoms

litter the sky above

hang like living art

endlessly morphing fluffy plumes

graceful in their infinite choreography

 

Breezes catch the palm fingers

slapping them together,

a frantic applause ‘bravo’

or the comical sound of skin on skin

in the urgent rhythm of approaching climax

 

The sound of French being spoken

reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes

rrunniest, smelliest camembert

and a bottle of long legged claret

mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

 

The curse of the all-inclusive

inability to control calorific intake

join the procession of

people in ill-fitting bodies

ambling across the sand, buffet bound

 

Unrelenting, angry squawk

of the crows with tourettes

beaks spewing expletives into paradise

torturuous sound of murder being committed

simultaneously all over the island

 

The surreptitious movement of a shell

stop, start, stop. Precious cargo glances out

I pick it up and out looms

a hermit crab, claws swinging punches

antennae angrily waving

 

Serene scene so beautiful it seems

like I stepped into a postcard

dreamlike, accidental, surreal

as waking up in someone else’s dream

and the fish jump as they flee the unseen hunter

 

Reviews

[Vanessa Whiteley]

You paint a beautiful picture of a tropical paradise and have the sort of lines that make a reader jealous that they didn't think of them. Nonetheless, I think this beautiful poem would benefit from a little redrafting. Mainly, I am not sure the clipped language aids the subject. I would let the sentences flow more and yet cut back on the adjectives - a little. For example, I would include the article 'a' here.

Paddling out across
(a) turquoise Turkish delight lagoon
trailed by frothy white wash
to peer over the edge of the world
where the dark water spills down the earth's curve

However, I find the lines themselves difficult as the 'turquoise Turkish delight' is a bit of a tongue twister. Yet 'where the dark water spills down the earth's curve' is wonderful. I love the use of the senses in

'The sound of French being spoken
reminiscent of fresh baked baguettes
(and the) or (with the) runniest, smelliest camembert

Throughout I feel that I want the sentences to flow like water not be short and clipped like a telegraph or a text message home.

and a bottle of long legged claret
mouth waters, thoughts of lunch

I enjoy the twist you give the poem here with:

The curse of the all-inclusive
inability to control calorific intake
(should there be a first person pronoun here?) join the procession of
people in ill-fitting bodies
ambling across the sand, buffet bound


I think with a little revision the following would be a wonderful stanza.

The surreptitious movement of a shell
stop, start, stop, precious cargo glances out
pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
antennae angrily waving

I think I would be tempted to revise it to something like:

The surreptitious movement of a shell
Stop, start, stop. The precious cargo glances out.
I pick it up and out looms
a hermit crab, claws swinging punches
its antennae angrily waving

This is indeed a very lovely poem but with a little revision I think it could be stunning.

[Samuel Dickens]

You've really out-done yourself this time, April. Geez, I'm almost speechless. I don't know what energy or inspiration you harnessed to write this, but you hit it right out of the ballpark. Phenominal--fantastic.

[C.B.]

I love the imagery and description. You use so much, it feels like I'm a spectator. It made me ;augh in several places, and the tourrette-plagued crows is probably the most accurate way of describing their sounds. Nice style.

[Forest Green]

Gorgeous, from beginning to end; no letup in the gentle sweep of your words. Constant as the mood and scenes you describe. Wonderful.

I'm not supposed to like such things (;o)...but I fell into the depth of this poem immediately.

Keep writing...I'm begging you.

Forest

[Phil Sanders]

Wonderful, wonderful imagery .. what a delightful write .....

[JC Fox]

I felt like I was right there in this paradise, great visual imagery and I loved the flow of the poem as well.

[Nicholas Hallows]

Some beautiful language here. The word choice ensured I read it slowly which I think helped create the picture of serenity. Well done. NH

[None]

Such beautiful art with words. Your poem takes me to a lovely place and has me seeing a refreshing view with your eyes---"White shape shifting phantoms litter the sky above hanging like living art endlessly morphing fluffy plumes graceful in their infinite choreography"
Thank you for these visuals, I am there with your enchanting words.

[Brenda Sue]

I love the imagery. Beautifully penned. Great job.

[SweetPeachesAlways]

I was going to tell you how much I loved the first verse but then I read the second, which I just absolutely adored, so very visual, and then it was on to the third which made my breath catch in my throat and then, the fourth just simply conjured such wonderful images as well as led into the fifth, whereas the sixth was delightful on a whole other level and then the seventh was so visually stated that I could totally see the little crab, waving at me! And all of this leading me to the slaughter...that beautiful last verse...that climactic ending, that sudden rush, leaving me almost reeling...and totally filled with desire to devour more of your writing!

Serene scene so beautiful it seems
like I stepped into a postcard
dreamlike, accidental, surreal
as waking up in someone else's dream
and the fish jump as they flee the unseen hunter

EXCELLENT JOB! Wow! This is going into my very Favorites!