Chapter One

Chapter One

A Chapter by Calibaster
"

work in progress.

"
         Coal looked around the corner, and seeing nothing, stole down the stairs. Years of experience had taught him where to place his feet for the ultimate silence, and prevented his hand from touching the worn railing, for he knew that it would give him away with a chorus of creaks. He peered down into the darkness of the orphanage, knowing by heart where everything was. 
        He had lived in this orphanage for as long as he could remember. He had seen his records, he had appeared on the doorstep one night, with a nametag that read "Coal". No one had adopted him, no one had even attempted to adopt him. Somehow, whenever someone came to adopt, the Matron found some reason for him not to be seen. All his friends got adopted on the other hand, except for his very first friend. Kish. Kish was his very very best friend,  and had been that since Coal was 3. Kish never got adopted either, even though he was the nicest, funniest person in the world! At least Coal thought that. He and Kish had singled each other out as the people who the Matron wouldn't let be adopted, and for who knew what reason.
      In fact, Kish was the reason he was here now. They had gotten tired of so little breakfast, because they were always last in the line in the morning. So Kish had proposed, in his mischievous way, that they get up in the middle of the night, and sneak downstairs, to see who is the sneakiest and the fastest. And they would be the first ones to breakfast! Not only would they get more food, it would be warmer too!
      Coal rounded the corner chuckling to himself that he had won, only to give a squeak of surprise at the sight of Kish, leaning against the rotting grey wall just outside the old front door to the orphanage! Kish laughed and said," Coal, you're late, and this is the second time we're doing this! Now I've beat you twice!" Kish was a little taller than Coal, and had tan skin with golden brown eyes, and golden hair.
"Well," Coal protested in a whisper," You always win when food is on the line!" Kish laughed quietly at that before saying," Let's get in line already, just in case the others decided to try this too." Coal nodded and followed Kish down the corridor and into the room where the lunch was served, they went over to the little window where you got your tray, already prepared, orphanage slop and all.
       They both stood there, forming a two person line, with Kish in front because he had won. There was a back door in the room, two little windows for trays on either side of the door into the lunchroom, one was for girls the other for boys. There were corridors on both sides, that led to the front room, which had stairs leading off both sides of it, leading up into the girls and boys dormitory's. They were always just about a half an hour before the other boys.
      The little window opened and the cook smiled to see them," The early bird gets the worm, the saying goes, you boys took that ta heart!" She was a grubby chubby woman with a plump pink face.
" We sure did!" Kish said," Besides, who could resist your cooking?"
" Yer too kind m'boy." The cook smiled.
" You're very welcome," Kish replied with a grin. The cook dolloped a big scoop of mush onto his tray before handing it to him, then did the same for Coal. They went and sat down, already eating as they did so. Kish finished just as there was a pounding sound coming from the stairway, within minutes there was a long line of boys on one side of the dormitory, and soon afterwards, a line of girls as well.
       They all wore drab grey clothes that matched the crumbling walls of the orphanage, they all looked older and more mature then they should have been. Their eyes told stories of hardship and work, as did their body language and cold, bony, angular faces. but their mouths still managed to smile as they all sat down to eat, one after another, chatting about happenings in the orphanage.
      The latest, and most exiting news was that an older boy named Rod had been adopted. This didn't happen very often, seeing as the orphanage was for an out of the way town, that didn't see travelers very often. Even less travelers that wanted to adopt children.
      The Matron limped into the room, silencing everyone with his cold stare, his frizzy white hair making him look bigger than he was. A young girl was behind him, her cream colored hair pulled into a tight bun, her skin was fair, and she had soft features. She was wearing a cream colored dress that lit up the grey room, and her big eyes seemed to shift colors, from a light blue to a light green to a light brown ect. Coal figured that it was just a trick of the light, and her eyes were just hazel.
     Then the Matron said," This is Breeze, you all must treat her well, her parents are away for the week," His gruff voice ended, leaving the room feeling empty. He gave them a sobering stare, then turned and limped out of the room slowly. The only sound was a scoff from the orphanage bully, Ben. The chatter never picked up after that. Everyone just stared at poor Breeze. She turned uncomfortably to the cook, who gave her a tray with steaming orphanage mush piled on it, then slowly turned back to the silenced children. She trudged sullenly towards a table filled with girls, one girl was sitting next to an empty seat, who, as Breeze shuffled towards it, promptly put her foot on it, leg straight. Breeze turned away, and walked towards another table, all the girls on it turned their backs quickly. Silence had engulfed the room, as Breeze finally sat down at the empty corner table, completely alone. " Well," Coal whispered to Kish," I get the feeling I wasn't the only one who saw that coming." Kish nodded sadly as he rose and turned in his empty tray before going outside, with Coal tailing closely behind. Coal came out to the center of the ruined courtyard, and Kish came up next to him saying," So what do you want to do today?"
" I dunno," he replied absently. He was still thinking about how Breeze had been shunned in there. It was because she had parents. No one else did. This was an orphanage after all! Then there were a few shouts as children trickled from the orphanage, trampling already crushed grass as they happily started games everywhere. A few girls were even doing the limbo! He and Kish had chosen to race.
Coal loved running. He always had, he was faster than Kish, and pretty much all of the other kids who chose to race. Running was the most free experience he'd had. And since he'd never left the orphanage grounds, freedom was what he craved.
      Just as he and Kish were starting their third race, Breeze stepped out, squinting in the sunshine filtering through the clouds. He watched in intrest and pity as she tried to join in several games, but was turned away by a wall of discrimination every time. Finally she retreated to a corner of the yard next to a half dead willow tree leaning over the moldy fence. Apparantly she could take a hint. Coal watched as the orphanage bully, Ben, trailed her. Coal didn't realize it at first, but he was slowly walking towards them. He watched as Ben caught up with her and began to talk. He began walking faster, ignoring Kish's warnings til' Kish grabbed his arm and said," Coal there's nothing you can do. Let her work it out herself." Just then, Ben began to guffaw very loudly, his bulky frame shaking from his hearty bellow. At the same time, Breeze began to cry. " That's it." Coal muttered angrily, and broke out of Kish's surprisingly firm grip, and sprinted towards the bully. Ben was still laughing when Coal socked him in the jaw. He hit the ground hard, and moaned. Coal walked over to Breeze and touched her shoulder," Are you all right?" He asked worriedly. She opened her mouth to answer,when suddenly Ben, who had gotten up discreetly, clobbered him. He was on the ground when Ben punched him. Hard. Again and again! He watched dazedly through tears as Ben raised his fist again, when Kish came in, and began wrestling with the bully. Coal got up while he did this, and watched in horror as Ben threw Kish off and stood," You are so dead." He huffed, and punched Coal hard, knocking him to the ground. Coal tried to dodge, but ended up getting kicked again and again. He looked up through a haze of pain and saw Kish with a bloody lip, being held back by Bens pals. He braced himself for the next kick, but when it came, instead of pain, he fell into darkness.


© 2014 Calibaster


Author's Note

Calibaster
I was trying to hurry when I neared the end. so it still needs a lot of work.

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Reviews

I can't wait to see what you come up with next and at the same time I'm trying to figure out why the man kidnapped the poor kid in the first place. Kudos to u, this story already has a good plot so when u go back and edit it will come out even better. Can't wait to see what u come up with next! :)

Posted 7 Years Ago


Calibaster

7 Years Ago

Ha, I'm glad you liked it! I really have changed a lot in the edit, and I might come back and post i.. read more
Sira YR

7 Years Ago

please do! :) and you're welcome
Calibaster

7 Years Ago

All right! :) I'm just glad someone likes it.
It's a great story so far. I'm looking forward to the rest. You're writing is very advanced for someone so young. The biggest issue you have however is that you tell rather than show. You should look up blogs that differentiate between telling and showing. Another issue you have is info-dumping. You do that quite a bit. It's natural, particularly at the beginning of a story. You don't need to give anything away about Coal. In fact, it's better writing if you reveal him in just increments. It draws people in much deeper into your writing. With a little polish, I think this will be a great story! :)

Posted 8 Years Ago


Calibaster

8 Years Ago

Thank you, this really means a lot. :)
great start. good characters and story.

Posted 8 Years Ago


Calibaster

8 Years Ago

Thank you!
Definitely a very good story! You are an excellent writer! This first chapter was terrific, and though I feel you are young based off your critiques and writing (I'm young too, a freshman in high school) this writing seems very advanced and I would imagine the author to be an experienced professional. I'm sure you have been writing a long time, and if you want to be an author I am right there with you! And based off what I've seen, there is very good chance for you to be successful in this field! I think you have developed two great characters and I can't wait to see where you go with this! Nice job, I will read chapter 2!

Posted 8 Years Ago


Calibaster

8 Years Ago

Thank you so much! I've actually been planning on rewriting it, but you're right. I'm still in high .. read more
Good job at showing Kish and Coal's personalities. I liked the story. It would be nice if you had a build to when Coal found out where he was from. I just think you told the readers too "frankly" about Coal's records. The description of the house and the playground scene were nice. Keep it up. :)

Posted 10 Years Ago


Calibaster

10 Years Ago

Thank you!
Calibaster

10 Years Ago

I thought it was a little to frank. ;)
This is a great beginning:)! I agree they have pretty cool names:) Good job:)!

Posted 10 Years Ago


Calibaster

10 Years Ago

Thank you! :) ;)
Oh I loved this! Coal and Kish sound like awesome characters; Love the names too! The story makes me wonder if the girl really does have parents or not. I also liked coals personality just jumping in to help her without thinking of the consequences. I personally enjoyed your writing style I love vivid descriptions like breezes eyes. Can’t wait to read more!

Posted 11 Years Ago


Calibaster

11 Years Ago

Thanks! I would tell you wether she does have parents or not ... but that would take out all the fun.. read more
This is really good I cant wait to read the rest of it. I'm kind of new to writing, but I'm going to try to make mine as good as this.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Calibaster

11 Years Ago

wow. thanks! I didn't think it was that good, and I'm sure you can top it! But seriously, thanks!
I think it's great, though why would Breeze be at an orphanage when her parents away?
Also when I got to the end, I was so expecting fire to suddenly come and what not. You so got "guffaw" from the Scarlet Pimpernel!
Oh well, I love the word too. I think also you could improve the writing if you used less narrative to explain what's going on, I think, personally, that you give us a bit too much information in the beginning, I think it would be a bit better if you had a little while to let us figure stuff out by the actions, and the character's interactions. Or even go a bit more back to give the character time before he meets Breeze if she's important. Just a thought. I hope you get what I mean.

Posted 11 Years Ago


Calibaster

11 Years Ago

you mean, weave the information in?
LunarSong

11 Years Ago

Yeah, pretty much.
work in progress, as in w i p, or just your its a work in progress?? :)
Coal is a cool name! Although I had to admit that at first I was imaginging a lump of black coal looking around the corner. That shows you how my mind acts. Haha.
where you very first meet breeze you put here parents are gone for the week. Not her parents are gone for the week. And Breeze's eyes' description was awesome! I wanna meet her now!
Also when your meeting breeze you said the matron had a gruff voice. I personally visualize gruff as the voice you might have after crying, and he's trying to hide it. I don't think thats what you were trying at. I would suggest using a word more like harsh. That gives me a better picture of this mean guy.
Poor Breeze! The girls are so mean to her! Why do they do that? Shoudlnt' they be welcoming? Or are they jealouse that she actually has parents? Never mind. You answered it for me.
guffaw is an awesome word!!
Now you have to write the next chapter! You have gotten me hooked! This is awesome Alverrann! You've got the questions going! Your story was great and I could really feel your voice in there, and it made me laugh. :) You are an awesome writer!!

Posted 11 Years Ago



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Added on July 25, 2012
Last Updated on February 9, 2014


Author

Calibaster
Calibaster

Springville, UT



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It's been a while since I've even touched this site, but it's such a big part of my childhood and growth in writing that I could never bring myself to delete anything I've posted. If I thought tha.. more..

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