My Success Story

Last night, I was once again trying to get in touch with someone I used to consider a very close friend.  When they didn’t respond yet again, I finally realized that they had stopped caring a long time ago, as have many people in my life.  After clearing my belongings and information in my phone of things that pertain to them, I got to thinking.  About how much I’ve changed recently, and how much I’ve grown out of and left behind.  In a conversation with a friend, these are some of the things I said:

I used to have such a high tolerance for others’ bullcrap, because I was so used to being walked over and mistreated by the ones that I thought I loved.  And in some twisted way, I was proud of that.  It took me a very long time to realize that it wasn’t necessarily a good thing.

When people know you can take a hit, it only makes them want to hit you harder.  And eventually, I had gotten worn down, and someone had finally hit me hard enough for me to feel hurt by it.

I remember thinking, “What’s happening to me?  I’ve become so weak.”  I didn’t realize that I was actually just learning to feel things properly and stand up for myself.

I used to actually want those toxic people in my life, as if being beat upon repeatedly was a way of proving to myself just how strong I thought I was.

Then I started feeling pain, and fighting back and expressing my feelings more, and people had noticed I changed. And they didn’t like it.  They wanted their old punching bag back.

It was hard to get used to this new me.  I didn’t like what was happening to me, because every time I got hurt, I would blame it on myself.  I’d always think, “Why am I hurting?  This shouldn’t hurt me.  Everything would be fine and everyone would love me again if I just stopped being hurt by stupid things.”  I was almost more toxic to myself than anything or anyone else.

Then I got my first job, and made new friends, and got out of my house more.  I learned a lot about who I was, and who I wanted to be, and what real friends were.  I was finally starting to see what was really going on in my life.

That was around the time that all my old relationships had begun to fall apart.  Eventually, they banded together and turned against me.  They cut me out of all the social groups and left me completely alone.  At first, I blamed myself for not being good enough.  I’m still coming to terms with the ridiculous guilt and regret that I feel.

But I’m still continuing to realize that they were wrong.  And I’m not weak now, I was before.  I needed those people out of my life, and I’ve just let go of the last person that was holding me back.  It hurt to do that, but I can already tell it’s getting easier to not look back.

Any time I think I miss my old “friends”, and who I was, and that I miss that delusion of happiness that I had, I just remember what they put me through, and what I put myself through.

I have real, amazing friends now.  I’m a lot closer to the person I want to be now than I was before, and I feel real happiness.  I can laugh and leave the house and not wonder what they’re doing, or what I’d be doing if I still had them.

I’m so happy with what I have now.