My kingdom for a spanner!

When you break down on a desert road, you'd better have your tool box with you.

He was mentally kicking himself for leaving the tool box in his garage. “You’re an idiot”, he berated himself. “How can you be so careless?”  He was stranded in the middle of nowhere with a car that refused to budge. That was not the first time his car played this trick on him. Always when he was in a hurry. It was as if his car had a mind of its own. He could almost hear it snickering. He opened the hood and dejectedly looked at the engine. He knew what the problem was and he could fix it in a matter of seconds, if only he had a spanner. Of course he had a spanner, but it was sitting in a box, snug, with all the wrenches and screwdrivers back in his garage.

He turned full circle, scanning the area. Nothing. Trees, bushes and a long stretch of road. Then he remembered passing a small cottage a couple of miles back. Hope flared in him. Maybe all was not lost after all. “God, let them have a spanner”, he said under his breath. It was a long trek but what choice did he have? He locked his car. Not that anyone would try to steal it. Let them try. Besides there was not a soul for miles. He viciously kicked a stone and started off.

To detract himself from thinking about the long treck, he held this monologue in his head:

“I hope he’s not one of those mean guys who don’t like to lend their possessions. Well, I’ll ask nicely, with a smile. Surely, I don’t look threatening or anything. I’ll simply tell him my car broke down and all I need is a spanner. I’ll tell him I’ll bring it back. Hell, I’ll tell him that I’ll pay him for the trouble. But then he might tell me that it was my fault and I should be more careful. He might even tell me that it will teach me a lesson. Whatever he says, I’ll keep my cool. I’ll make him see my predicament. I’ll even beg him. What if he tells me to get lost? Suppose he threatens to call the cops. Well I’ll grovel if I have to. My appointment is too important for me to be sensitive or indignant. And then, it’s not like I’m borrowing his car, right? It’s a bloody spanner, for God’s sake. Well, some people can be touchy about their possessions. I can think of a few I’ve known along the years. But I‘ll tell him.. I’ll tell him that Jesus taught us to help our brothers in distress. Or is it brethren? I’ll appeal to his soft heart. God, I hope he won’t point a shotgun at my head and blow me to kingdom come.

At that point he raised his head and found himself in front of the cottage. He rang the bell. He heard shuffling feet then the door was opened. An elderly man stood there, holding a pipe and looking at him inquiringly. And before he could utter the universal: “Can I help you?”, the man flew in his face:

“F… YOU, OLD FART! YOU CAN SHOVE YOUR SPANNER UP YOUR …. I DON’T NEED YOUR BLOODY SPANNER, YOU PIECE OF SH..”

And he stomped back the way he came, leaving the old man standing there, goggle eyed and mouth agape.      

Reviews

[roarke]

heh, now that's what I call a character driven... piece. I see Engluva that you enjoy and savor the moments life is stitched together with. I liked the manic flavor of your stranded motorist. I like the punchy, twisty ending. The sentence "maybe all was not lost after all" is a bit awkward, just say maybe all was not lost. I admire those that can communicate in more than one language. I can barely speak/write my own language and it atrophies every day.... Keep your english relaxed. Tell the story as you hear it. Enjoy the process and you'll always have an entertaining and rewarding piece. Nice work here.

[Woody]

thank you very much for your review and kind words, Roarke. if you'll allow me to point out that, as luck would have it, you picked a story that rates way down in my chart. (a sneaky way to ask you to take a peek at another one). joking, I promise.

[Samuel Dickens]

Oh, my. I think this fellow forgot something far more important than a spanner--his medications! In fact, he probably shouldn't be driving!

[Woody]

you must be right Sam. a guy who flies off the handle without the least provocation needs to have his head examined.
thank you Sam but where in God's name have you been hiding? been checking on you.

[Samuel Dickens]

I guess old age is getting me down.

[wordman]

he was so frustrated and convinced him self the man wouldn't help so he just told him off
hell that sounds like me

[Woody]

haha a weird guy for sure. sounds like you, huh? don't come borrowing anything from me!

[Tom]

Dwell too long on a problem and in the mind's eye it becomes insurmountable !

A psychological piece of prose, profound, prudent, philosophical and good craic too, well batted Woody !

[Woody]

I believe that's what comes from talking to oneself. never a good sign :)
good craic, eh? that's Irish, isn't it?
thanks a lot Tom. your support is much appreciated.

[Tom]

It is indeed Woody..more Northern Irish which is where I'm from ! Just like ' it's a cracker ' and this one, like most of your tales most certainly are !!

[Gee]

Ha,as I tell any young lady that will lend me her ear,"the old ones are the best"lol.Being from the silly womb you might enjoy "a birthday treat(sex and biscuits)" Take care

[Woody]

the old ones are the best? that's what my wife keeps telling me. I hope she's not just humouring me.
this is an oldie but not so goodie, if I'm honest. I hope my stories have improved since.
ta vey much, Gee. love your pic by the way.

[Gee]

Thanks Woody

[Valentine]

An oldie but I am happy it was not me he was yelling at.....Valentine

[Woody]

it is an oldie. I wrote this one way back. I remembered the punchline and played around with the rest of the joke. not a terrific one I know :(
thanks for reading Kathie.

[Valentine]

Now if it was a registered cocker spaniel I might think different . Kathie

[Woody]

sorry. didn't get that?? that's a dog, right? or a scrambled egg??

[Valentine]

Where I live it is a dog. {Spaniel---Spanner}

[Woody]

gotcha! didn't make the connection. silly!

[Valentine]

You are very silly, that is why so many of us idiots read your comical writes. Kathie

[Woody]

haha it takes one to know one or something like that.

[Valentine]

I would admit to it if pressured.

[Woody]

nah you're far from idiot. it only goes to prove that you're a woman of taste with a good sense of humour :)

[Valentine]

Laughter is good medicine. Have you ever tasted it?

[Woody]

I breath laughter. laughter's my raison d'etre.

[Will Neill]

Great joke, but an old one.
Will

[Woody]

true. but told my own way. thanks for reading, Will.

[Marie]

It's a good story, but I saw the end coming. Because I've read this joke before.

[Woody]

oh well, you can't win them all :) it's the monologue and I should've done a better job of it.

[Marie]

You did an excellent job. It's just that I read this in the Reader's Digest many years ago.