Suicidium

A spoken word poem about my description of my struggle with suicide.

People always ask me about my struggle with suicide and wonder what was going on in my head.
And I always tell them that the words to describe my feelings during that time are words that no poet will ever pen.

But if I had to start somewhere I would say the worst part of it was the voices.
No one cares.
Life doesn't want you.
You are better off dead.
And listening to them never led to me making good choices.

And it would seem that no matter how LOUD I screamed; all that people would hear is silence.
But when they do hear you is when it hurts the most, because their words cut you deeper than any knife ever could.

They all would say the same thing;
Killing yourself won't make things okay, it will only eliminate the possibility of them ever getting better.
But what they failed to realize is that I was ready to die and go up to face the judgment of my creator.

Every day I would lie in bed and wonder why the hell I was still here.
There has to be more to this life than what simply appears.

I tried, Oh Lord I tried to find happiness.
But it seemed that no matter what rock I looked under in my soul all that I could find was sadness.
And I planted that sadness like it was a seed and I let in grow inside of me.
And I watered it daily until in grew into hopelessness.

And soon after that I found that cutting myself was the only way I could relieve the pain.
It had attached itself to me and held me down like a ball and chain.

Then the cutting escalated to me taking a gun and putting it to my forehead.
"Where are you God!?" I screamed.
But then the voices answered me saying,"Your God is dead!"
And the sad part is for a moment; I think I believed them.

But there was one voice, one mighty voice that stood out more than the rest.
Loud like a lion it roared and caused me to tremble when it said,"Your God is NOT dead!"

And at that moment, for the first time in years, I felt joy again.
I put the gun down and thought of a thousand reasons of why not to commit this sin.

That is the best description I can give for what suicide was like for me.
And I pray that if you are feeling this way that you will not keep silent because suicide kills you for eternity.

There is still hope for you.
There is a God that cares and loves you.
And the thing he specializes most at in our lives is making repairs.

Reviews

[Angel Criner]

I agree with Tia... I definitely felt the power pouring out within the lines...
I'm glad the attempt was overcame with joy and a new found hope.
I'm wishing you the best.
I've began cutting again... after I thought for sure I was finally done and now I'm thinking will it ever go away?
I've been stopping over and over again for years... happy that I've quit but then I find myself doing it again after a year of stopping. Last night...
It just dawned on me all the things that come with slicing my skin that I despised.
The self loathing... the hiding... the fear.
And I forget every time until I've done it again... and I know that it only gets worse.
I've been there.
And your piece has given me a chastising slap in the face.
I think... I'll think upon this.
Thank you.

[Erik Daniel]

Wow. Thank you. I'm always here to talk if you need someone too!

[Tina Louise UK]

A powerful, honest read...I went through something like this when I was a teenager, so very well expressed :) x

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you!

[RichGee]

Yes sir...He came for the sick and the sinners...deep brother real deep...
I'm glad you overcame that with the grace of God cause just like you wrote "suicide kills you for eternity",
That's a fact.

[Erik Daniel]

Amen. Thank you!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

This is very good, I can relate to those feelings though I never got to the point of cutting or putting a gun to my head, but thoughts of hurting myself has passed through my mind before. Finding God is the only way to be strong enough to get away from those things and I am also grateful for His love in my life. It is good to share our stories and how God has helped us overcome things that seem impossible but with God anything is possible.

Great Job

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you!

[~*~Peace Keeper~*~]

You're welcome

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

This is very deep and written straight from your heart.
I sometimes have some of those feelings, just like why am in in this world? whats my purpose?
Although none of these thoughts, are bad enough so that i try to kill myself.
Life can be hard, and in this poem, it shows, how much we actually go through.
I enjoyed reading this, and if you ever want someone to talk to, im a message away.

[Erik Daniel]

Thanks! That means more than you know! And same to you!

[cimmy wuv xxxooo]

Your most welcome :)

[The Spirit Chaser]

Life is worth living and experiencing, as every day carries something new with it. There will be sadness, there will be joy, there will be misery, and there will be euphoria, but the key is not to give yourself away to those moments. Feel them, love them, acknowledge their existence, but don't live in them. They go away, and it is dangerous to stay trapped inside of them once they're gone. Love life. Universe is beautiful.

[Erik Daniel]

I agree! Thanks for the review Kat!

[Tarella]

This was really beautiful and a wonderful testimony of God's work in your life and an inspiration to so many people out there who are going through this....thank you

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you. I hope I can help people by sharing my past struggles and let them know there is hope.

[❤ Maggie ❤..]

Wow. This was such a powerful piece. So many people are struggling with things, that you would never even guess. That's why it's so important to love other people, even if they don't, or can't, love you back. Excellent job with this.

[Erik Daniel]

Thank you! It means a lot! I just want people to know that they aren't alone in these situations like I thought I was. That God IS there and he DOES care.

[❤ Maggie ❤]

He most certainly does! That's so awesome, I love hearing people share what they've been through. I have a blog called Purpose, (the link is on my profile) and it's basically letting people know that they're not alone and trying to help people get through stuff. Because nobody should ever feel alone in what they're going through.

[Erik Daniel]

Awesome! I'll have to check it out! I love writing about my past and my hope I've found in Christ! You should check out the rest of my stuff!

[❤ Maggie ❤]

Oh I do, too. I'll definitely do that! :)