All engulfed in flames

yea its a bit short but enjoy!

Even the greatest good can be blinded by the light.

 

The landscape covered in white. The brisk air chilling to the bones. Dressed in a red coat he dashed through the forest, trying to escape what couldn’t be seen. Whose eyes like its fangs could pierce through the heart in an instant. One of them quickly came up running beside him. It struck at the side of his face with its sharp claws. He tried to evade, but the claws dug into his skin. He continued to run when he then came upon a ledge. He turned around and with a snap of his fingers they were all set ablaze, but like rodents in a cellar more of them appeared out of nowhere. He turned towards the ledge and jumped. Suddenly a bird of everlasting youth swept him up. Standing on its back he raised his hand. A gigantic ball of flame began to form. He let down his hand like the way a judge would slam his mallet. The bird then let him down atop a different ledge.

 

He looked down at the forest in flames. "Its finally over," he said.... The expression on his face changed. What? He wasn’t looking at the forest anymore. Instead he was looking at a village. A village engulfed in flames. A tall man appeared suddenly behind him. You have done well kai. They will be much pleased. He was silent. What? Don’t you think so? He said with a smirk on his face. 

 

 Every one no matter how smart they think they are, can be fooled.

 

Reviews

[CecilA]

This could be done as a poem, if you don't intend to expand on the theme. I believe it would serve your purpose.

There are a few touch-ups needed; otherwise a wonderful piece filled with intrigue.

Perhaps 'slammed his hand down like a judge with a gavel' would add give it some punch.

How about; 'It's finally over', he gasped as he looked down at the flaming forest. Then his expression changed as he turned his gaze to the village.

If you just clear up who is saying what to whom in the last paragraph I believe you will have a great finish.

Okay enough from me.

[Steven Cash]

Not bad at all

[Ella]

Oh. My. Stars! Have you ever tried NOT being amazing? ;) I doubt that's even possible but another amazing write. I love it. You're such a talented writer, I envy you greatly :)
I love the last line too, it is so true, it's my life everyday, haha! :)

[Rika]

Your story lacks punctuation in several places and there are a few grammar issues. I can point them out if you want me to.
Otherwise, its pretty awesome! It really piqued my interest, but maybe it wouldn't hurt to elaborate a bit more? I know I would be interested in knowing more about what happened there! I also think this would look great as a manga.

[Rika]

i would be happy you tell me the errors i made and in my head i images it as a anime/manga.

Mkay. There should be a period after the first sentence.
There should be a comma before every 'but.' (all set ablaze, but like rodents).
Comma after "Dressed in a red coat."
There should be a period after "He wasn’t looking at the forest anymore" and start a new sentence with 'instead.'
Quotation marks when someone speaks ("Its finally over," he said...)
You should take out the word 'like' in the sentence "He let down his hand like the way a judge would slam his mallet."
And I think you have overused the word 'then.' It can be omitted in most cases. Instead of saying "Then suddenly" just say "Suddenly, a bird...."
Good luck! :)

[Rika]

thanks!!!!!!!

[The dark story]

a nice message.i like your story..it's great

[Rika]

Thanks!

[deepblue04]

This is really cool.

[Rika]

Glad you liked it.