Frenzy

A Story by Hamsa Priya

Until a person can say deeply and honestly "I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday," that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise."

Jane was in a perfect place of her life. She was independent, she had a job that kept food on the table, and she spared herself a heart break. She had all the elements needed for survival, indefinitely. One fine day as she was walking along the streets, listening to music, she saw a kitten trying to get past a fence. It was surely hurting itself, but it was intent on getting on the other side. That focus possessed her. A thought can be painfully powerful. The next week she quit her job, in hopes of exploring life to its fullest. Days passed by and not for long did her friends accompany in her pursuit of happiness.

On an evening when she was walking in a park, she saw a guy talking over phone. He seemed like he didn't care about his surroundings, using swear words and kicking over air, with hand in his pocket. She walked past him and he noticed her too. After half an hour she exited the park and headed towards the ice cream. The guy she saw swearing, was there too sitting. He smiled at her offering her a seat on the bench. He was cute and she sat by. "I am Zac," he said. "Jane," she said back. They had a casual conversation and out of blue he asked, "You like me, don't you?"

She stopped abruptly disregarding his overconfidence and asked back, "Is that a big deal?"

He loved her attitude but was confused by her reply. "Why?" he started, "It isn't?"

"Well yes, I like you and two months back I used to like one of the guy in my apartment.."

"Are you that kind of a person?" He was rude and she responded, "What kind of a person?"

He knew when to shut up and she used his pause to continue, "Tell me something Zac, are you in a relationship?"

"Nope" he said as she continued, "Who was the last girl you enjoyed speaking with?"

"Nina, from my office," he answered her truthfully, like she was his lawyer.

"Well I asked you who 'was' the last girl and you said someone. Does that mean you're past her?" He didn't know where she was going with that but he wanted to find out. "Yes" he said.

"You liked someone, now you're past her. Does that make you 'that' kind of a person?"

He felt like he was indeed talking to a lawyer. He couldn't but smile. "Okay you win."

"Are you like this to everyone?"

"Like what?" she asked and he thought, "Oh my God. She's going to make this awkward again." She laughed at him, reading his face. He was relieved that she didn't dwell on that and was actually enjoying her company. Few days passed by and Zac found excuses to keep bumping onto her. They were both aware of where that was heading. Few weeks passed by and one evening he was waiting for her at the park, waiting as usual. It was an hour past their usual time, still no sign of her. After a bad day at office, he wanted to see her so badly but she did not show up. The next day he asked her, "You didn't come yesterday.." she nodded. "I wanted to see you.." he began.

"What for?" she asked and her indifference made him angry.

"Do I need a reason to see you?"

She rolled her eyes not saying anything. "Are you really that naive or are you pretending to ignore what I mean?"

She looked at him saying, "I'm not ignoring anything!!"

He wanted to blast her, but at that moment he was dumbstruck. He managed to come up with a response. "Come again?" She asked him, "What do you want to hear?"

"I don't know.." he began when she interrupted, "Do you.." Honestly, he found her charming and brilliant but sometimes when she started to talk, all he wanted to do was to break something.

"Do you love me?"

She had no answer and she felt it wasn't fair of him to expect from her that. She was silent for moments too long as he started, "Because I do and if I'm wasting my time, please tell me.." Her expressions were blank and she was more than glad to tell him that she was not in love so that he would go away. But then he finished, "Please tell me so that I try some more!" She felt something different but went on saying, "No I do not love you." She was open, direct in her answer, and determined in her response.

Days passed by and she never showed up at the park after that. Her life had moved on after she got a job in Mumbai. He got transferred to his office in Mumbai with every intentions of finding the woman he loved. It had been two months and he saw her finally one morning in a crowded bus stop. He walked to her hesitantly, wondering what she might say when she- to his surprise happily greeted him, "How are you?" He felt like he was standing in rain. The sun was scorching Mumbai city. She was happy to see him and he knew that. They had a catch up talk when she told him how she was ambitious and how she wanted to excel in her career, after which there was a long awkward silence.

"You seem happy to see me" he said. "I am" she replied. He didn't know how to even go with her. He knew she liked him and she certainly enjoyed talking with him. But her indifference irritated him. "Are you incapable of love?" he bellowed at her arrogance. She turned angry with his dominance, "Where is this coming from?" He felt sorry immediately after he had spoke and he knew he offended her. She continued, "Do you think you're in love with me?"

"I don't think. I AM!"

"What were you doing for the past two months?"

He knew where she was headed with that argument. "You look straight into my eyes and tell me that you don't love me. How is that fair of you to expect me to not try to move on?"

"Exactly! You like someone. You THINK you are in love with them. When that doesn't go as you planned, you DO move on! That's natural. What happens after a year?"

He followed her words "I try to forget." She asked, "After another year?"

"Anybody would move on..Get rid of things that remind them of their love and get married. What else do you expect?" That's right. It was his turn to ask her back. "After five years?" she asked and he bellowed, "What? You expect them to die for someone?"

"Precisely my point!" she said. He was puzzled that he actually checked in his mind if he spoke right. "You move on in your life like it didn't happen!" Zac was exhausted and he sighed, "Where are you going with this, Jane?"

"Love is a fantasy! There is nothing called true love in this world. You marry a woman and eventually you're going to put yourself in a place where you have to like someone. What happens by then? You will be over me, right?" He had no answers for any of her questions. He thought she was crazy. He was nodding his head involuntarily. And she continued talking, "By default you're going to try to be happy with practically any woman you're gonna be with. So why put yourself into illusion that you're in love with me?" In a way she did make sense to him. He slowly started walking away from her. All the feelings he had for her was on hold. What if she was right? What if every person in the universe were lying to themselves that they were in love. He was thinking about all she said and everything else went mute around him. He was dragged back to reality when he heard a loud horn honking at him. It was then he realized that he was standing in the middle of the road and the truck was headed right towards him. He covered his face with both his hands, realizing he was at the moment of meeting with death, when the truck halted. The cars started clogging and soon enough there was traffic. He stood there, shocked and unable to move.

After a few seconds he turned to walk toward the platform when he saw Jane beside him. She seemed like she was in a state of shock too. He wriggled her by her shoulder but she was having a panic attack. He took her away from highways and to the pavement. She returned back to normal state after drinking some water. "What happened to you?" She swallowed and managed to say, "I followed you.." She didn't know why she followed him right into the highways, against all her beliefs. But something inside her kept telling midst all the arguments that she needed to go after him. He was ready to leave her in peace when she said that. It puzzled him. "But why?" She rolled her eyes not knowing what to say. It was cute and it drove him crazy.

"You are not incapable of love!" he said.

From that day on, they had a blissful experience. Both their families did not agree to their union and they decided to settle down in Mumbai having married each other. Five years passed by and they both struggled to keep up their work. No matter how long they worked everyday, they were paid so little. The money they made was not enough. But they were happy that they had each other midst their midlife crisis. One day she needed money for an emergency and so she dropped by Zac's office when she saw him talking to a woman. He seemed happy- not in a way that would sabotage their marriage but in a casual way. Back when he came home, she asked, "Are you happy with me?"

"Yes," he said simply.

"I'm not happy with this life!" she cried.

"Stop dreaming about how your life should have been and start dealing with it."

He did make sense. "I'm nowhere near going up in my career and I never did any of the things I wanted to do before getting married.." He sighed impatiently as she continued, "I feel like a loser."

He held her face in both his hands saying, "I'm having the time of my life because you are in it." But she continued, "I wish I was that cute guy who swears over phone who stole every women's heart." He was concerned for her. "I regret following you in the streets that day!"

And snap. Zac was flabbergasted as he slammed the door at her face. The following day, they met as usual for lunch. He tried to make conversation but she behaved like she was possessed. A thought can be painfully powerful! He ran over his colleague and conversed with her. Jane stood up and simply walked away from them. This time, he was so mad at her that he didn't bother to stop her. She had lost her mind and was obsessed with how a failure she had been in her life. That night Zac did not turn up. He was nowhere to be seen for lunch the next day. She did not feel the need to talk to him and wanted to be back like how independent she was before though couldn't turn to her parents for help. She decided to cook dinner for herself. She turned the timer on in the oven and started cutting vegetables. With music on radio, the song barely reached her mind. Nothing she did pulled her out of her misery. She felt like she had no purpose in her life. She cut herself. And then the timer went off.