Chapter 1

For Shellany

Chapter 1

 

Parry Thrustingsworth was a pirate but not just any pirate. He was a Pirate on the High Seas (meaning he presumably needed good balance or something). But not just any Pirate on the High Seas, Parry Thrustingsworth was a Viking pirate. Think about that for a moment. Think how bad-a*s that makes him. He didn’t just rob traders and British soldiers and Orlando Bloom. He actually fought with Vikings. He’d beat them in a navel battle and then board them and then beat them in a much more physical and kick-a*s and possibly slow motion sense. Yeah.

 

Anyway, Parry the bad-a*s Viking pirate had a deep longing in his heart, he had been torn apart from his one true love at the tender age of sixteen. She was the daughter of a prominent Noble-Duke and he was a ragamuffin Viking orphan child who worked in the kitchen of a fancy getaway resort. She was sheltered and well spoken (in that she had a roof and could speak good, that was fancy s**t back in the mud ages) and he slept in a stable with eighteen horses and nineteen sex offenders.

 

By day she would play water polo and drown horses, he would wear fitted trousers and serve impossibly small portions of food to rich folk in a restaurant that had chandeliers dangling from much bigger chandeliers and a dude in the bathroom whose sole job was to smile at you despite the fact that you probably just filled the air with the putrid, fetid stench of a thousand digested, impossibly small portions of food.

 

Anyway it turns out he could dance and they totally ended up doing it like a hundred times and he had a dong like a Pringles tube.

 

Her dad found out about Parry (and his massive dong) and got really angry and threatened him and I think someone was pregnant, but not the daughter, I’m not really sure I never saw the end, I think I fell asleep or I had to go visit someone and it was on TV so I couldn’t pause it. So she totally got taken away and put into a nunnery for nuns (sexy nuns) and had to spend her life wandering the empty stone halls of a secluded building, walking and dressing like a penguin for Gods amusement.

 

Parry meanwhile was fired from his jobs as a plate scraper and horse warmer as he had an ancient curse on his bloodline that would cause bees to appear every three days and make an attempt on his life.

 

We’ll skip ahead now to when he’s a pirate again like at the start. He sorted out the bee problem by giving a helping hand to a gypsy who was being harassed by soldiers outside a market town… and by ‘hand’ I mean ‘dong’ and by ‘helping’ I mean ‘massive’ and by ‘market’ I mean he slapped the s**t out of the soldiers with his ‘meaty dong’. He now only had one eye, his sexing eye, and one leg. He wore an eye patch and walked with one good leg and one specially trained dong.

 

Just kidding, he had legs and eyes and s**t, that would be freaky otherwise.

 

Back to the Story. Parry was sailing his ship, the Pénis Massif, into a port on a nameless island named Goodname Island. His thoughts, as ever were with Lilly (s**t, I mean to say that earlier, that girls name was Lilly, Oh well, I’ll say it now, there’s literally no way I can go back and change that).

 

Despite the fact that he totally was in, love with her forever, he wasted no time in finding the first passable, dwarven prostitute on the wharf and brought her to the nearest semi-romantic alleyway. There’s a sex scene coming up now so here is where the book gets all romantic and junk. I know you were kind of expecting sex up front on page one, so was I, but I really wanted to build up my characters (Parry and Lilith or whatever) and expand upon the setting and the likes so here we are on page three, only now getting to the sex. I wanted to show a back-story and set the scene and mention bee attacks which are always cool. Also I mentioned dongs a lot so that was kind of like foreshadowing yeah?

 

So there’s Parry, all sweaty. His breath heavy with lust and ale and scurvy. Sensually he unzipped his fly. He took his time and relished the ‘zzz’ sound, like the sizzling of lust. His paid companion looked on and smiled in a way that said ‘a few more like this and I’m gonna be able to get me some good opium tonight’

 

Just to cut in for a second, you’ll notice I’ve really gone to a big effort to learn the writing style of romantic authors. I’m totally getting into the details and making all the sexy stuff last feckin’ ages. Also metaphors, lots of metaphors. Watch as I dazzle you all by comparing a sexual organ to a piece of machinery or a stallion or something…

 

Parry stood there, his massive, unwieldy dong standing proud and erect like a piston on the stallion of a mustang. It throbbed and stood. The w***e’s breast heaved in a heaving sort of manner. She was vomiting to one side as she was coming down off of a hilariously large opium binge. The smell of bile and absinthe filled the air. The smell of love.

 

Then he totally did her with his dong waving around. He did her like she was in the way. Seriously he had a dong like a banister.