Faith Envy

I envy people who have faith in god, because I do not.

I prayed to god last night

Which is a hard thing for a girl like me to

                           Admit

I’m trying to be strong

                For you

                                Lover boy

                And for

                                Me

But I find even as I try

My body is bursting at the seams

                Of this reality

                                And the next

 

I envy the faithful

With their eyes turned lovingly to the sun

Without question

                               

                                Because we are all god’s children

                                And he loves us all

 

But for me

When I look at that

                Vast untamable expanse

I always find even if these sky colored eyes can

           Hope

 

                                Faith

I still have none

 

And now on top of uncertainty

I have nights fed with fear

                And restless tears

With skies unforgiving and red

Spitting fire storms and nightmares

                                All on top of train wrecks

And rattlesnake bites

 

And even though these palms of mine

Reach to the sky with wonderment

           And sometimes even

                           Hope

I am still tormented

 

My life may not be that train wreck

And my tears are not yours

           Lover

                To bare

But I find they are more the beauty

                Of believing so

           Purely

And the wholesome devils envy of

                                Faith

 

Someone once told me that I can find solace

                                In the light

But only by a god

I cannot rightfully follow

                Blindly

 

And if there is solace in light

Then why am I so much more

                                At peace

Under stars

 

I prayed to god last night

                Because my life is out of my

                                Control

And no matter the love I may feel

I am inevitably facing

                Heart

                                Break

                Again

 

And I asked him

                                Even though I am

           Faithless

Because for this I have no science to turn to

 

But god all mighty

What did I do

                To

                      Deserve

                                  This

Author's Note

everything in this poem is intentional.