In The Shadows

This story is not what it seems.

In The Shadows

                 I stood there and looked at the old, abandoned house. All withered away. Everyone said that it was haunted but I knew better. The truth was that the only ghosts lurking in those shadows were the memories of my dark past.

          I struggled to walk up the fragile steps. My body was not as strong as it was thirty years before. Indeed, the beauty and strength of my old home had died away with my youth. As soon as I entered into the house, I felt a shiver run through by body like a flash of cold lightning and everything in the house began to return to the way it was so long ago. 

          The light-bulbs blazed with energy. The fire danced with passion. The blanket of dust was gone. The tarnished place had been revitalized to the place I sought shelter.  However, I was not fooled. I knew that it was all just a façade of reality and another one of the many tricks my mind conjured up to torment me.

          As I wandered through the pages of my past, I could not help but take notice of how wonderful my life was. But I had lost it all. It was my fault. I was a coward. Incapable of protecting all I held dear. I walked up the stairs with ease as my body had transformed with the house. It only made sense that we would be revitalized together in my mind after withering together.

          I got up to the bedroom and opened the door. As I walked in I heard whispers. Whispers from a voice I immediately recognized. Tears trickled down my cheeks like a fountain of memories pouring out of my eyes. I stood in front of the mirror to admire my new, but familiar reflection. Then I saw her standing behind me. She was wearing that black dress that I had loved to see her in because of the way it wrapped around her hips like a serpent around its prey. Oh how I wished I had stolen those moments. Wished I had kissed her enough while her lips were still red, before they turned pale.

           She came from behind and slipped her hands under my arms to caress my chest with her palms as she rested her head on my back. I was sure that she could hear my heart beating. Even the dead could have heard something that loud.

          Finally, I heard the gunshot. A sound that has haunted my soul since I could remember. I turned around and she was gone. Why couldn’t I have stolen that moment until the end of time? Just like before, she had stolen my heart and taken it to the other side with her.

          I ran out of the house like a bat out of hell. When I got outside of the house I fell to the floor as my body had returned to its former ancient self along with the house.

          I thought that that was the end, my destiny coming to pass. I thought that I was going to meet my love but I was wrong because I survived and am still alive. In silence I wait to hear her call my name so I will know that death is on the horizon. Until then, I will not forget you my queen.

          

Author's Note

This piece is a chance for me to show that I'm not a one-trick-pony. I am capable of many different types of writing. I'm doing a lot of self-exploration and experimentation. Trying many new thing in hopes of besting myself with my reinvention.

Reviews

[Vanesa Markovic]

For whatever reason, I started reading this in a woman's voice, and continued to even after the revelation of the deceased wife. I think it might have a different feel if I was to read it again, as I assume it was intended, but I enjoyed the picture that was painted in my head originally.
A love lost is nothing more than memories, and when faced with something, like this old house, that trigger them oh so intensely, it can feel like those memories are real...if only for a moment anyway.
I could really relate to the widow in this piece, very realistic of a mourning heart.
Lovely read.

[Bear]

Critique: (As soon as I entered into the house) the preposition "into" is unnecessary you might consider removing as "entered and into" mean the same thing.
(I felt a shiver run through by body) through my
(When I got outside of the house I fell to the floor) did you mean to fall to the ground as you are now outside?

Review: Great story line and your phraseology is engaging and intelligently conceived. The imagery you have constructed offers an emotional, even eerie feel that lingers long after finishing your story. Well done, I give it five out of five Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

Thank you very much for your thoughts as well as the constructive criticism. I will do well to look out for such errors in the future.

[Bear]

It was a good read I enjoyed your story immensely, never stop learning that is the key. I am retired now and only write for fun but still pick new insights and tricks I didn't know when I wrote for a living :~)

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

I guess learning is and and thanks a lot for sharing your wisdom. I too only write for fun but I'm only 19 and have found a passion for writing that's unfathomable even to myself. And I've decided not to pursue a career in writing because I don't want to lose my love for it.

[Jess C]

I thought this piece was beautifully written. Good job!

[Sean]

Interesting concept. I like the way you chose to portray his emotions. I can see why you appreciated my piece.

[Jennifer Shaw]

My eyes simply overflowed. Beautiful.

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

Thanks. I'm glad I could touch you

[Amelia Lunar]

This literally gave me chills. The tone it takes is moving. "Tears trickled down my cheeks like a fountain of memories pouring out of my eyes," was a touching expression. Amazing.

[Kristan A. Mohammed]

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it.

[Dipanjan Dutta]

This is an amazing story. Sad and emotional but the flow is good. I love the connectin between the living and the dead. The love between life and after life and the wait to hear her voice again is a real good capture of emotion for a deceased loved one...I am glad I had a chance to read it...Thanks for sharing mate

[AprilRN1210]

You are definitely not a "one-trick-pony" my friend.. this is a gripping, vivid, heart-wrenching tale that whisked me away and left me wanting more. You tugged on my heart strings and had me anticipating where you were taking me. Awesome flow and imagery.. The character felt real, relate-able, and interesting... Mistakes and memories of the past can torment a grieving heart.. I loved the way his years transformed with the house... your descriptions were skillfully done as well.. I thoroughly enjoyed this..

[Damien Thibodeaux]

This is a very good write. You've captured a haunted moment full of emotion and guilt. I got chills when I read this. Good job!

[destiny soto]

I love it, its so haunting and beautiful at the same time! I love how the ghost is the past still with him, haunting his waking moments.