Elohim!

Elohim!

A Poem by Mary
"

A poem in my Ave Maria Book. Mary's son has been murdered, she is drained, exhausted and falls into a deep sleep.

"

Elohim!

(I)

 

trusted friend… betrays

healing hands… pierced

holy teacher… silenced

and nailed to a cross

“Jesus of Nazareth

King of the Jews”

*

my son

died today

 

 

Elohim!

(II)

 

Heed my voice crying in the wilderness!

Do not abandon me in my anguish

 But attend, and weep with me now!

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted

 

Shine your light of mercy on my soul!

I stumble through the bleak wasteland of grief,

blinded by infinite darkness!

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted

 

The righteous cry but does the Lord hear?

I call unto you as my son did cry

“Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?”

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted




Elohim!

(III)

 

Silently

 He watches the sleeping woman,

in the unquiet repose known only to a grieving mother

she moans, “blood rage…powerless.. my son”

“Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani!

Tears well in his eyes

 As his heart is once again pierced

 

Gently

his hand brushes her forehead

the touch causing her to stir slightly

and cast it away as though a fleck of dust

dare intrude on her personal nightmare.

Kissing her cheeks, her eyes,

He whispers “Mother!”


© 2016 Mary



Author's Note

Mary
thank you for taking the time to read this. Comments and critiques are so valuable to me.

My Review

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Featured Review

So incredibly moving. I love this line so much "cast it away as though a fleck of dust
dared intrude on her personal nightmare." it really takes you into that moment. "He whispers “Mother!”, is such a great relief after reading her suffering. Really wonderful, I love it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mary

1 Year Ago

thanks, Mary, much appreciated
Mary

1 Year Ago

Thanks, Mary for taking the time to read this poem. I know it's sad and heart wrenching in places, .. read more



Reviews

18 July,

a strong, visual, and emotion-full presentation. An olde world style and taste in places.
I would turn a page to "listen" to the next.

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mary

1 Year Ago

Thank you, Chris. I think a certain madness takes over when a parent loses a child(no matter the re.. read more
A very good poem that wants to be great. Some very good, strong imagery; and a wonderful translation of such a universal subject that it as at once an individual story, and also that of every woman who has faced the loss of her child. Some small suggestions for your consideration, that IMHO might strengthen your message. For example, the line "deep sorrow overwhelms my being." I blieve it is a stronger response to show than to tell- in this case, how does a woman overwhelmed to the soul with grief, act and respond? What does she specifically feel in her body? What does she do? What would an observer see? In your last stanza, "silently" feels out of place, even though I see why you use it. "Silently" infers an active verb, not a passive one. It might be stronger if you change th eadverb, or change "sees" to "watches" or "observes." and finally, with "such repose as only those who mourn can know;" are you looking to connect to general mourning, or to the special emptied-womb grief of the mother who has indeed lost her son? They are two relatable feelings, but have different connotations. Clarification may help your messae hit home a little more securely.

Overall, I found this to be a very powerfu piece, with many layers of menaing and connection. There is no "need" to change a single word. Take my suggestions as just that- suggestions. Nice job with a very difficult subject. You have my admiration.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


Mary

1 Year Ago

Thank you so much for this very helpful review! I had felt the same way in the places you mentioned.. read more
Raquelita

1 Year Ago

Mary, I reread this, and I like all the changes you made. The flow is improved, and the message is e.. read more
So incredibly moving. I love this line so much "cast it away as though a fleck of dust
dared intrude on her personal nightmare." it really takes you into that moment. "He whispers “Mother!”, is such a great relief after reading her suffering. Really wonderful, I love it.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 1 Year Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Mary

1 Year Ago

thanks, Mary, much appreciated
Mary

1 Year Ago

Thanks, Mary for taking the time to read this poem. I know it's sad and heart wrenching in places, .. read more

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Added on June 22, 2016
Last Updated on June 26, 2016
Tags: mary, death, mourning

Author

Mary
Mary

RI



About
I am total geek, optimist, hopeless romantic child of God. I love poetry! I was a high school science teacher for many years, but at the present time I work as a math tutor at a local community coll.. more..

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