Elohim!

A poem in my Ave Maria Book. Mary's son has been murdered, she is drained, exhausted and falls into a deep sleep.

Elohim!

(I)

 

trusted friend… betrays

healing hands… pierced

holy teacher… silenced

and nailed to a cross

“Jesus of Nazareth

King of the Jews”

*

my son

died today

 

 

Elohim!

(II)

 

Heed my voice crying in the wilderness!

Do not abandon me in my anguish

 But attend, and weep with me now!

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted

 

Shine your light of mercy on my soul!

I stumble through the bleak wasteland of grief,

blinded by infinite darkness!

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted

 

The righteous cry but does the Lord hear?

I call unto you as my son did cry

“Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?”

for blood rage would not be subdued!

“His blood be on us!” they cried”

“And on our children!” they shouted

Elohim!

(III)

 

Silently

 He watches the sleeping woman,

in the unquiet repose known only to a grieving mother

she moans, “blood rage…powerless.. my son”

“Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani!”

Tears well in his eyes

 As his heart is once again pierced

 

Gently

his hand brushes her forehead

the touch causing her to stir slightly

and cast it away as though a fleck of dust

dare intrude on her personal nightmare.

Kissing her cheeks, her eyes,

He whispers “Mother!”

Author's Note

thank you for taking the time to read this. Comments and critiques are so valuable to me.

Reviews

[MaryBee]

So incredibly moving. I love this line so much "cast it away as though a fleck of dust
dared intrude on her personal nightmare." it really takes you into that moment. "He whispers “Mother!”, is such a great relief after reading her suffering. Really wonderful, I love it.

[Mary]

thanks, Mary, much appreciated

[Mary]

Thanks, Mary for taking the time to read this poem. I know it's sad and heart wrenching in places, but I really appreciate your input.

[‘Thoughts In Time..]

On of the most high praises, never to be able to be replaced the beauty and holiness never to be experienced by another, truly beautiful 🌹

[Mary]

thank you for your kind review. this was hands down the most difficult poem to write. 17 were murdered a week ago, each mother (and father)grieves.

[‘Thoughts In Time’🌹]

So terribly sad and touching, may Gods will be done, Thankyou for your time🌹

[steppenwolf]

I really am unable to express how I feel about this poem. Sometimes--when something good happens--there are no words. This is where my heart lives and it's kind of like a fountain of joy. Please do not think I'm not the right person to be involved with!!! But I received Mary into my heart in the spring of 1993 and she's been there, growing, with no signs of fading away. But it was lonely. There isn't any place of worship that addresses our beliefs. So thank you-thank you-thank you... As for concrete criticism, sorry. It's just isn't there; that's how beautiful it is.

[Chris]

18 July,

a strong, visual, and emotion-full presentation. An olde world style and taste in places.
I would turn a page to "listen" to the next.

[Mary]

Thank you, Chris. I think a certain madness takes over when a parent loses a child(no matter the reason or age of the child), and I believe Mary was no exception.

[Marie Anzalone]

A very good poem that wants to be great. Some very good, strong imagery; and a wonderful translation of such a universal subject that it as at once an individual story, and also that of every woman who has faced the loss of her child. Some small suggestions for your consideration, that IMHO might strengthen your message. For example, the line "deep sorrow overwhelms my being." I blieve it is a stronger response to show than to tell- in this case, how does a woman overwhelmed to the soul with grief, act and respond? What does she specifically feel in her body? What does she do? What would an observer see? In your last stanza, "silently" feels out of place, even though I see why you use it. "Silently" infers an active verb, not a passive one. It might be stronger if you change th eadverb, or change "sees" to "watches" or "observes." and finally, with "such repose as only those who mourn can know;" are you looking to connect to general mourning, or to the special emptied-womb grief of the mother who has indeed lost her son? They are two relatable feelings, but have different connotations. Clarification may help your messae hit home a little more securely.

Overall, I found this to be a very powerfu piece, with many layers of menaing and connection. There is no "need" to change a single word. Take my suggestions as just that- suggestions. Nice job with a very difficult subject. You have my admiration.

[Mary]

Thank you so much for this very helpful review! I had felt the same way in the places you mentioned, especially the overwhelms my being place. The small changes will indeed make a very large difference. I can't thank you enough, other than to read your writings!

[Raquelita]

Mary, I reread this, and I like all the changes you made. The flow is improved, and the message is even more powerful than before. This is a wonderful piece of artwork. Very well done.