Flytrap

Flytrap

A Story by Montilee Stormer
"

From time to time I partake in writers exercises. Every once in a while I come up with something I kinda like.

"

Will be appearing in Necrotic Tissue #10, April 2010

http://www.necrotictissue.com/


© 2010 Montilee Stormer



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"They'd been quiet for the last few weeks and her chest only looked as though she'd just had a bad reaction to some ill-gotten shellfish." Ill-gotten sounds stolen instead of allergic reaction.

"Her hands went to his mouth to shush and quiet AND QUIET IS REPETITIVE, but the fingers went to his nose and pinched it closed. Her palm went to his jaw and sealed his lips. She watched his cheeks puff out demanding air and getting nothing but swollen lips and broken capillaries in his nose-HIS CHEEKS PUFFED OUT AS HIS BODY DEMANDED AIR- I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE SWOLLEN LIPS AND BROKEN CAPILLARIES PART, IT DOESN'T SEEM TO FLOW. He tugged at his hands and the teeth held tight -HE TRIED TUGGING HIS HANDS AWAY BUT THE TEETH HELD TIGHT-
He went to his knees and after many long moments his eyes showed their whites and he went limp. His lips were swollen and bruised -HERE IS WHERE YOU COULD PUT THE BROKEN CAPILLARIES-, but his hands were the worst."

"Without thinking of anything, she pulled on a shirt, put him into his car and drove him somewhere not near her apartment and took a cab back, paying cash and keeping to herself." She didn't get cleaned up first? I would imagine a cabbie would notice a woman with a bloody shirt.

Those are the only parts I saw being even remotely problematic. The only other thing is the character's effortless transition from horrified bystander to willing participant. But then again, she's not THAT horrified considering she was the one who killed the guy, not her b***s, so I'm unsure. Maybe if she were a little more committed from the beginning. It kind of reminds me of a story I read in one of the "Book of the Dead" anthologies except it was a vagina instead of breasts, but yours is still satisfacorily unique.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

"They'd been quiet for the last few weeks and her chest only looked as though she'd just had a bad reaction to some ill-gotten shellfish." Ill-gotten sounds stolen instead of allergic reaction.

"Her hands went to his mouth to shush and quiet AND QUIET IS REPETITIVE, but the fingers went to his nose and pinched it closed. Her palm went to his jaw and sealed his lips. She watched his cheeks puff out demanding air and getting nothing but swollen lips and broken capillaries in his nose-HIS CHEEKS PUFFED OUT AS HIS BODY DEMANDED AIR- I DON'T THINK YOU NEED THE SWOLLEN LIPS AND BROKEN CAPILLARIES PART, IT DOESN'T SEEM TO FLOW. He tugged at his hands and the teeth held tight -HE TRIED TUGGING HIS HANDS AWAY BUT THE TEETH HELD TIGHT-
He went to his knees and after many long moments his eyes showed their whites and he went limp. His lips were swollen and bruised -HERE IS WHERE YOU COULD PUT THE BROKEN CAPILLARIES-, but his hands were the worst."

"Without thinking of anything, she pulled on a shirt, put him into his car and drove him somewhere not near her apartment and took a cab back, paying cash and keeping to herself." She didn't get cleaned up first? I would imagine a cabbie would notice a woman with a bloody shirt.

Those are the only parts I saw being even remotely problematic. The only other thing is the character's effortless transition from horrified bystander to willing participant. But then again, she's not THAT horrified considering she was the one who killed the guy, not her b***s, so I'm unsure. Maybe if she were a little more committed from the beginning. It kind of reminds me of a story I read in one of the "Book of the Dead" anthologies except it was a vagina instead of breasts, but yours is still satisfacorily unique.


This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

The perfect bait...

Seriously though, great story. Novel idea. Makes me cringe a little when I think too long about it.

There's not much I can recommend, just write another story for me to read.

Great Job.

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


0 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Montilee youre awesome:)

This review was written for a previous version of this writing

Posted 10 Years Ago


1 of 2 people found this review constructive.


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Added on April 25, 2008
Last Updated on August 11, 2010
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Author

Montilee Stormer
Montilee Stormer

Royal Oak, MI



About
Short Version: MontiLee Stormer is a troublemaker, writing acts of mayhem and despair for her own selfish pleasure. Her interests wander from abnormal psychology and serial killers, to lost loves and.. more..

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